Good Strategery

"I can remember watching Ronald Reagan ... I was mesmerized by his speaking. I recognized that I was watching what he was saying, not hearing what he was saying, because he was so good -- I don't think that's a danger we're going to have Wednesday night."

-- Senate Minority Leader Reid, on what he expects from President Bush's State of the Union address.

Turn Your Head and Be More Productive

Because I’m still trying to shake a lingering flu-related cough, I went to the drug store in search of a strong cough suppressant. In reading the various labels in search of some strong stuff, I came across one that explained that, in addition to being a cough suppressant, it also contained a drug that would help loosen phlegm and make coughs more productive.

Which is it?! Is it going to stop my cough, or is it going to make it more “productive?” If measured by duration, I would say my cough has been pretty god damn productive. I could end recessions with all this production.

Well, this production line is ready to be shut down.

Who Needs the Cowboys?

The latest crap that Dan Snyder has thrust upon Washington Redskins fans is that season-ticket holders will be forced to use a specific credit card if they want to charge their tickets. I hate the Redskins, but it’s hard not to sympathize with their fans given what they’ve been forced to tolerate under Danny’s regime.

They still will be able to pay by cash or check, of course, but if they wish to use a credit card, they must use a specially branded Redskins MasterCard issued by a particular credit card company. Clearly, the team is going to enjoy some profits from this arrangement and that’s fine, but they attempt to insult ticket holders by claiming that it would streamline the ticket distribution process. Yeah, right.

This event itself wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for Danny’s history of fan indifference, including:
-- Installing some obstructed view seats and forcing season-ticket holders to purchase them before allowing them to check it out first.
-- Charging people $25 to park their cars in lots one mile or more away from the stadium and have them wait in line for a shuttle bus to take them to the stadium. Many found these buses inconvenient and the waits for them ridiculous.
-- Closing off all the public sidewalks that lead to the stadium to prevent people from parking free nearby and walking to the stadium. Danny wanted to protect parking revenue, but was forced to open up the sidewalks after fans successfully sued the team. The team claimed that it was a safety issue, but funny how the sidewalks always would be open after the games when safety issues actually were more critical.

Danny has been able to get away with all of these things because he benefits from a loyal fan base (the season-ticket waiting list reportedly exceeds 105,000), so customer service doesn’t have to be a priority at all. However, one would think that, at some point, the fans will push back.

Redskins fans’ biggest enemy isn’t the Dallas Cowboys, it’s The Danny.

Available in Fine Bidets Everywhere

Here is a recent humor e-mail that made its way to me. Hope it’s not too old. It’s presented as a mock AP wire story. Highly enjoyable.

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest &Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white
meat(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

I'm Not as Fast as Jason Sehorn

Celebrity sex dream alert! Last night, I dreamt I had sex with Angie Harmon.

Normally, celebrity sex dreams are cool, but I’m not as taken by Harmon as others. Plus, she has turned into this right-wing nut job. (God, what is with me and Republican women?! If I ever dream about Ann Coulter and/or Laura Ingraham, just shoot me.) Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t kick Angie out of bed in the dream, I just was thinking of other women the whole time.

If this was supposed to be a Law & Order-influenced dream, why couldn’t it have involved former cast member Carey Lowell. The dream could have borrowed from Law & Order SVU and taken Stephanie March, who departed from the show last season. OTP would have been represented by two separate, yet equally attractive women.

While we’re on the topic of celebrity sex, an OTP guilty pleasure has been booted off TV for now. Paige Davis, host of Trading Spaces, was fired from the show recently. I know that she could be a little too chirpy sometimes, but I found her quite yummy to watch.

Part of the reason she was dumped from the show was reports of Internet sex tapes, which proved to be false (no, I didn’t research to confirm), and unprofessional behavior. At one recent event, she reportedly allowed men to attach dollar bills to a thong she was wearing.

That’s just categorically untrue. I was using 20s.

Way!

With a 26-15 record, the Washington Wizards have surpassed its win total from ALL of last season when they went 25-57. They have the second-best record in the Eastern Conference, have won 11 of their last 13 games, and are 11 games over .500 for the first time in 26 years!

Granted, they benefit from being in the very weak Eastern Conference, and they probably couldn’t get past the Heat or the Pistons in the playoffs, but progress is progress considering their woeful history of being the Clippers East.

In addition to their improved record, it sounds as if they are a decent group of guys who are fun to watch. No more “announced” crowds of 12,000, there actually may be more fans watching the games. Players like Antawn Jamison, Gilbert Arenas, Samaki Walker, Anthony Peeler, and Michael Ruffin get to the gym early every day, work their butts off and play hard every game.

Not only that, if someone were to throw a drink on them, they would go into the stands and attack the actual person who threw the cup.

Starring Judy Woodruff as Queen Levitra

CNN has begun promoting itself as delivering ‘Hard News’ in order to distinguish themselves from Fox News Channel’s Talk TV format. It’s even begun incorporating the term into its programs, as in, “Up next, hard news with Wolf Blitzer.”

Um, no thank you. Maybe if it was with Paula Zahn, I would consider it.

Naturally, they could have Hard News segments sponsored by Viagra. Or:

“Up next, hard weather, brought to you by Levitra.”
“Up next, hard sports, brought to you by Cialis.”
“Up next, hard entertainment …” – Oh wait, that probably sounds kind of porn-ish, never mind.

Maybe using the term ‘up next’ isn’t a good idea either.

I Thought This Was Skinemax

At one point this weekend when my wife and I were in bed together, our bodies were getting tense. After the pressure kept building and building, we finally got to the moment when the tension would be released.

Then it happened – we achieved a state of a simultaneous coughing fit.

You see, everyone in the DC-Giant home was sick with the flu this weekend, including our 11-month old son. Unfortunately for my wife, she was the least sick, so she was the one stuck with most of the chores, and with taking care of our son. I was completely useless, or as my wife would say, a typical weekend.

That's Hedley!

The Shrub had his coronation yesterday and pledged to spread freedom and end tyranny in the world. Road-side bombs for everyone!

As a first step, he resigned in order to free oppressed citizens in his own country.

The festivities were delayed slightly when Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who administered the oath-of-office, was forced to recite it word-for-word instead of by passage in order to match the Shrub’s lack of attention span, and brains. I think the Shrub even said ‘your name’ when it got to that part.

Shrub faced a potentially embarrassing situation when, instead of giving the ‘hook-em-Horns’ salute when the University of Texas marching band passed by the parade stand, he gave the ‘Legacy-admission-Ivy-League-thumb-your-nose-at-the-poor’ gesture. Fortunately, Karl Rove was able to pull the right strings in time to prevent further catastrophe.

You know, I probably shouldn’t write such polarizing material. One day, my readership is going to skyrocket to 5 people and I should prepare to sell out and be more conciliatory

The fact is, I have a deep, deep, dark secret – A long time ago, I used to be a Republican. I didn’t have the most stable of childhoods (I know, who does?), and so I bought into the style and the imagery of the ‘Morning in America’ crap that was thrust upon us by the Reagan Administration.

However, as I became more edumucated, I began to scratch the surface a bit and realized what a fraud it all was; I didn’t know Mike Deaver was feeding Reagan all his lines, just as Rove feeds the Shrub.

How was I to know that, instead of a farcical character, William J. LePetomane would turn out to be a precursor of things to come, two times over?

Eating Yellow Snow Is Another Cause

Today, the Washington area experienced its first noteworthy snowfall of the winter season with 1-2 inches. Of course, the whole town went ape shit with early school closing and the mad dashes to the grocery store. People from areas with heavy snow must just look at us and laugh.

One problem that arises with snowfall is that, after months of inactivity, many people end up over-extending themselves trying to shovel sidewalks. This sometimes can result in a heart attaccccccccccccccccccccccc cccccccccccccccccccccccc cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

Good Thing It Wasn’t A Venereal Disease

One of the fun things about a player or coach leaving a team is the release of the ‘now-it-can-be-told’ stories and anecdotes that the beat reporters have accumulated during that player or coach’s tenure.

Things such as: ‘That guy hit on another player’s wife,’ or ‘So-and-so beat his kids,’ or even ‘That guy was doing blow while getting blown in the locker room during games.’ Things of that sort.

Catcher A.J. Pierzynski experienced a stormy season with the San Francisco Giants last year that was highlighted by questions about his work ethic and whispers that he was an immature asshole. He has a decent bat, but questionable defensive skills and he apparently can’t call a game to save his life. Pitchers complained that he never would meet with them before a game to go over the lineup for that day and determine how each batter would be pitched, an essential duty for a catcher. He reportedly also bad-mouthed Giants pitchers to the opposing team.

According to San Francisco Chronicle columnist Bruce Jenkins, during an exhibition game last spring, Pierzynski took a shot to his private parts. Giants trainer Stan Conte rushed to the scene, placed his hands on Pierzynski's shoulders in a reassuring way, and asked how it felt.

“Like this,” said Pierzynski, who viciously proceeded to knee Conte in the groin. Obviously, Conte was enraged and vowed to ignore Pierzynski for the rest of the season. He relented after he realized how that it would be unprofessional.

The Chronicle’s Jenkins indicated that the incident went unreported because all of the beat writers happened to be doing in-game interviews in the clubhouse, but it was corroborated by a half-dozen eyewitnesses who could hardly believe their eyes. Jenkins said that one very reliable source asserted, “There is absolutely no doubt that it happened.”

Pierzynski now plays for the Chicago White Sox. Someone warn their trainer.

Better Dead Than Red

A feature in this Sunday’s Washington Post Magazine indicated that some people (mostly Democrats) are “settled on the belief that Bush supporters were stupid and selfish and sanctimonious, when they weren't downright religious fanatics and bigots.”

That’s perhaps the most factual sentence I’ve ever read in a newspaper.

I think the article attempted to find evidence to the contrary, but I’m not sure (who wants to read an article about red states fer crissakes?). I’m guessing that the author was as successful as the Bush Administration was in finding evidence of WMDs in Iraq.

I love it when the term ‘faulty intelligence’ can be used as a double entendre.

I’m vacating Washington this week to protest the inaugural. Okay, we’re really heading out of town for a family event, but it sounds so much better to say we are leaving in disgust. The irony is that we are going to be deep, deep, deep in red state territory. Oh the humanity!

It’s unfortunate that we won’t be in town for some of the inaugural balls. Everyone is aware of the Black Tie and Boots Gala sponsored by the Texas State Society. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) promised that this party would be “rowdy and outrageous.” Featured performers include Lyle Lovett and Lee Greenwood.

Wow. Hold me back! Did you ever think Lyle Lovett and Lee Greenwood would be associated with rowdy and outrageous? Okay, maybe as in ‘outrageously bad.’

Three other balls that are taking place this week include the Dumbshits and Morons Ball, the Stepford Wives Gala, and the Sexual Harassment Hoe-Down.

Kyan and Carson Would Be Mortified

I wear baseball caps a lot on the weekends to hide what I like to call my funky weekend hair. I figure, it’s the weekend, so why expend time and energy on styling my hair when I simply could just throw on a cap and go enjoy time with the family.

It’s funny how one’s sense of fashion evolves when you become older, and become a parent. While I never could be confused with being a fashionista, I used to pay some attention to what I wore when I was younger.

As I got older, I took on more of a ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude and just made sure the clothes matched and that I looked somewhat presentable.

That evolved into, ‘At least it’s clean.’

Which evolved into the current situation: ‘It’s within arm’s reach.’

Followed By Spooning Saturday

Today is what I like to call an Orgasmic Friday.

It’s Friday, it’s TV night, it’s a Friday before a holiday weekend, and it’s payday!

Dismal Tuesday usually awaits us at the end of such a weekend, however.

Donde Esta Green Day

The main radio station I listened to in the Washington area (WHFS) suddenly changed formats yesterday from progressive/ alternative rock to Spanish-language pop, which has become all the rage in radio these days.

While I did not listen to the station as much as I used to (which probably explains part of the problem the station was experiencing), it still was sad to hear of the station’s demise.

The remaining station in the area that comes close to matching the format is DC-101, which is okay as long as you don’t listen to the incredibly annoying Eliot in the Morning.

I'm going to protest the new station by not listening to it and by not purchasing any of the products advertised on the station.

So there.

Shhh, The Hunt For WMD Ended Last Month

The top CIA officials who were part of the group that hunted for the weapons of mass destruction came home last month because of the lack of new information. An interim report that was released four months ago that concluded that there were no biological, chemical or nuclear weapons in Iraq will stand as the final conclusions.

Let’s take a look back.

“[Iraq] possesses and produces chemical and biological weapons. It is seeking nuclear weapons.” … “Iraq possesses ballistic missiles with a likely range of hundreds of miles -- far enough to strike Saudi Arabia, Israel, Turkey, and other nations -- in a region where more than 135,000 American civilians and service members live and work. We've also discovered through intelligence that Iraq has a growing fleet of manned and unmanned aerial vehicles that could be used to disperse chemical or biological weapons across broad areas.”
-- Shrub (October 7, 2002)

“The gravity of this moment is matched by the gravity of the threat that Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction pose to the world." … “My colleagues, every statement I make today is backed up by sources, solid sources. These are not assertions. What we are giving you are facts and conclusions based on solid intelligence." … “Our conservative estimate is that Iraq today has a stockpile of between 100 and 500 tons of chemical-weapons agent.”
-- Secretary of State Colin Powell, U.N. Security Council (February 5, 2003)

“There is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction. There is no doubt he is amassing them to use against our friends, against our allies, and against us.”
-- Vice President Defibrillator (August 26, 2002)

“Iraq's behavior could not offer a starker contrast. Instead of a commitment to disarm, Iraq has a high-level political commitment to maintain and conceal its weapons. … And instead of full cooperation and transparency, Iraq has filed a false declaration to the United Nations that amounts to a 12,200-page lie. For example, the declaration fails to account for or explain Iraq's efforts to get uranium from abroad, its manufacture of specific fuel for ballistic missiles it claims not to have, and the gaps previously identified by the United Nations in Iraq's accounting for more than two tons of the raw materials needed to produce thousands of gallons of anthrax and other biological weapons.”
-- Condi Rice (January 26, 2003)

“It's not as if anybody believes that Saddam Hussein was without weapons of mass destruction.”
-- Condi again (March 18, 2004)

OOOPS.

Mississippi Ain't Burning After All

The Jackson-George Regional Library System in Mississippi is whole again after the board of trustees lifted its ban on Jon Stewart’s “America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction.” The trustees had decided to ban the book because of its satirical nude depictions of the U.S. Supreme Court Justices.

The board of trustees acknowledged that they reversed their decision to ban the book after coming under intense scrutiny by the community. They also noted that most of the messages criticizing the move came from out of state.

“We got some absolutely nasty e-mails and telephone calls that you would not believe,” said Robert Willits, the library system director. “We were communists and fascists at the same time.” For the record, OTP did not call or send an e-mail to protest the ban.

According to Willits, approximately 12 to 15 people who attended the board of trustees meeting defended the book. and the board merely responded to the community input.

However, one audience member remarked, “Shee-ut, ah di’nt know we had libaries.”

One board member, David Ogborn, opposed lifting the ban, asserting, “Our libraries are not a trash bin for pornographic materials. My apartment is.”

Cats In The Cradle

I actually had a fairly decent phone conversation with my father this past weekend. By fairly decent I mean that it actually featured genuine laughter and not the usual awkward silences.

Like many father-son discussions, it focused mainly on sports, weather, and grandkids. I also injected some self-deprecating jokes, which he always appreciates because it reassures him that living in Washington hasn't transformed me into an obnoxious, self-absorbed prick.

Rest assured, he has nothing to worry about. I'm pretty low-key and humble, even though I have become one of the greatest writers of all time.

They're Going To Burn The Other One

Mississippi libraries reduced their book collection by half when they decided to ban Jon Stewart's (Comedy Central's The Daily Show) book because of its satirical nude depictions of the U.S. Supreme Court Justices.

"We're not an adult bookstore," said Robert Willits, director of the Jackson-George Regional Library System of eight libraries in Jackson and George counties. "Our entire collection is open to the public."

He added, "Besides, I know adult bookstores, adult bookstores have become very good friends of mine, and these are no adult bookstores."

The fate of the Mississippi library system hangs in the balance because the remaining book in their collection, which actually is a Highlights magazine, has been checked out for the last four years and has not yet been returned. According to records, a G.W. Bush in Washington has yet to learn how to read it.

Unless It Was With Paula Zahn

Democratic strategist James Carville is one of the more entertaining people in Washington. Yes, he's loud and obnoxious, but he has a good sense of humor about himself, and about politics and the work he does.

One of his favorite jokes to tell on the speaking circuit explains the derivation of the word politics - poli is Latin for many, and tics are blood sucking creatures.

As reported in Sunday's Washington Post Style section, the most recent issue of Men's Journal has a feature called, "How to Win at Everything." In it, Carville outlines how to win an argument in your own house, namely with your wife. As you know, his wife is Republican adviser Mary Matalin.

I like to joke that my wife and I are the poor man's version of James Carville and Mary Matalin. Although, thankfully my wife is not as conservative as Matalin

Carville notes that, "Winning an argument with your wife is like winning the war with Iraq. Once you win, you're in even more trouble."

He also suggests:

• "Don't point out that she is wrong; emphasize that you're right. Negative campaigning is for Swift Boat veterans;" and
• "No yelling. If you want to yell and argue, get a job on 'Crossfire.' The only difference is on 'Crossfire' we never have make-up sex."

Will Her Makeup Get Through Customs?

In order to ensure that there are free and fair elections in Iraq, the Bush Administration is sending Katherine Harris to Baghdad to oversee the process.

As a backup plan, the Administration intends to send Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia if it comes to that.

Calls to Clarence Thomas at the video store went unreturned.

I Can Relate to Judge Reinhold

Kevin Kline is one of my favorite comedic actors, with films like A Fish Called Wanda, Dave, In & Out, and French Kiss among his movie credits.

However, I often can't get beyond the fact that he's Mr. Phoebe Cates.

I'll Go Up Another Floor, This is Duran Duran

I generally do not forward e-mail jokes unless they are very funny and entertaining. All of us get flooded with crap in our inboxes, so why contribute to the mess.

A friend of mine sent me the following top 25 list that I found to be very funny, and sad too.

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those%&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

Could I Play Basketball at the Guantanamo Detention Camp?

The cover of this week's National Journal, a weekly trade publication on politics and government, asks a very suggestive question:

"What If ... Republicans were able to enact some of their most controversial proposals? A look at what might happen to abortion, Social Security, taxation, energy development, the legal system, and education."

If I were the publisher of National Journal, I would have used the following on the cover to pose such a question.



It's not a difficult question to ask, so I don't know why they have to waste an entire issue on it. If Republicans were able to enact some of their most controversial proposals, the country would bear a slight resemblance to this:



It reminds me of a joke that the part-time standup comic friend of mine used when Pat Buchanan was running for president: If Pat Buchanan became president, Mexico would build a wall along the border to prevent Americans from going over.

Is This For After Watching The Poseidon Adventure?

Last May, the Third Reich and their friends at the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) rejected the initial application of the emergency contraceptive Plan B pill, also called the Morning-After pill, because they claimed that easier access to such a pill would promote more risky sexual behavior.

However, a new study contradicts that argument, finding that women who were provided a supply of the Morning-After pill were more than 1 ½ times as likely to use the drug after unprotected sex as those who had to get it in prescription form. The study also found that women do not change their sexual behavior when the drug is easily available.

The study’s authors concluded that easier access to Plan B could reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies while posing no apparent risk to women.

How sexist and patronizing is it for these morons at the FDA to think that such a pill would promote risky sex among women? My goodness, did Viagra promote more risky sex among men? Oh wait, it probably did. Never mind, disregard that argument.

Maybe rejecting the initial application was a secret way to promote more lesbian sex.

I Hate It When They Panic and Kill a Hooker

Yesterday, a partner at my firm sent around an e-mail that read that a very good (deep pocket) client is looking for an attorney in a certain jurisdiction who could assist him with a traffic citation problem.

I can imagine the thought process of this client. He gets caught going 80 mph in a 25 mph zone racing home from his mistress' house and is shitting bricks. 'I'll get the high-priced law firm my company uses to help me out with this.'

It's amazing there haven't been similar e-mails sent around seeking assistance for various things. Here is a preview of some potential solicitations.

A very good client is looking for a bookie who will take some heavy action on this weekend's NFL playoff games. Please reply to sender only.

A very good client is looking for an upscale, disease-free escort service to use for a visit to town this weekend. Escort must be familiar with positions referenced in Dan Savage columns. Please reply to sender only.

Does This Mean We Can’t Start Bouncing Checks Again?

House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) and Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) sought to change House ethics rules, but were forced to abandon the plan after growing dissension among rank-and-file Republicans. They were concerned about the message the rule changes would send to constituents. Wow, there are sensible Republicans. Who knew?

The rule changes proposed by Hastert and DeLay would have made it more difficult for House members to discipline their colleagues, and also would have eased the restrictions on relatives of Representatives and Senators accepting trips from lobbying groups. Why bribe just the Members of Congress, when you also can bribe their families too?!

But alas, they backed off from implementing the rules, ruining OTP’s fun. Shoot, they even reversed their decision on a rule that I ranted about recently that would have allowed DeLay to continue as majority leader if he was indicted.

What’s with the sudden sense and sensibility? Apparently, many constituents explained to them that it would be a dumbass idea to become more corrupt.

However, before you go thinking that Republicans have seen the light, they did pass a rule that would curtail the number of inquiries by the ethics committee by requiring a majority vote for an investigation to proceed. Under current rules, if the evenly-divided ethics panel is deadlocked, the investigation is turned over to a subcommittee after 45 days.

Also, Hastert is seeking to replace House ethics committee Chairman Joel Hefley (R-CO) because he is annoyed by his independence. He had the gall to vote to rebuke DeLay for various ethical violations.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) wants to replace Hefley with Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX), who no doubt will be objective, considering he has contributed to DeLay’s defense fund.

Feather Core Porn

Although I am far behind in the magazines I subscribe to, I could not resist picking up a copy of the most recent issue of Maxim. In case you are unfamiliar with this publication, Maxim is a men’s magazine that features suggestive photos of women, but does not cross the line to the point where it requires a paper bag to be placed over the cover.

The cover of the January 2005 issue features the brutally hot Eva Longoria from the ABC show Desperate Housewives, and the equally delicious Poppy Montgomery from CBS’ Without a Trace.

I should note that my wife noticed me oggling the magazine and actually bought it for me, further demonstrating her coolness.

In her in-depth profile, Longoria claims, "I love sports! It's so sexy when a man rattles off statistics."

Oh, please. Don't patronize us! Does she think we are that stupid? (Don't answer that)

As everyone knows, Desperate Housewives is the hottest new show on TV this season. The show first was considered by many to be a so-called ‘chick show,’ but it should be noted that Desperate Housewives is the number one show in the 18-49 MALE demographic. The aforementioned Longoria probably is a good reason for that, as well as the yummy Teri Hatcher.
Since we’re on the topic of TV shows and, since it’s popular to do end of the year top 10 lists, here is the list of OTP’s top 10 shows for 2004, in no particular order.

1. The Sopranos – I’m actually not sure that an original episode aired in 2004, but even repeats are better than original episodes of a lot of shows.
2. Desperate Housewives – See above.
3. Scrubs – A worthy successor to Seinfeld as the best comedy on TV.
4. Law & Order – Consensus is that it’s losing a bit of steam, but still is immensely enjoyable.
5. Law & Order SVU – If only to hear the narrator at the beginning say, “especially heinous.”
6. CSI – Spray something on it and solve a crime.
7. Without a Trace – Poppy’s plunging neckline supplies the eye candy, Bruckheimer supplies the snappy plots.
8. Cold Case – Kathryn Morris slight resemblance to Meg Ryan lured me in, and the quality made me stay.

Okay, so it’s OTP’s top 8. Who has time to watch more?