Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Memoirs of a Heisha

My goodness, where have I been? I've been accepting bribes and leaving drug paraphernalia in my car. Throw in a solicitation charge and you can see that I've been a very busy guy. Like my dad used to say, someday you will meet a woman so gorgeous, so stunning, that you won't even haggle over price.

With all of this talk about how some recent controversies may impact some player's chances of getting into the Hall of Fame, it's time to review the credentials of several Hall of Fame candidates.

Meg Ryan. Was considered an automatic first-ballot Hall of Famer, but her dalliance with cliche bad boy Russell Crowe and her divorce from Dennis Quaid may have turned off some voters. Now comes word that she recently got a face-lift, which would cause another decline in her numbers.
Prognosis: Still gets in on the first ballot, but without the unanimous vote that most people anticipated.

Angelina Jolie: Conventional wisdom is that Jolie is even more stunning in person. A gay male colleague of Mrs. Giant said he would go straight for Jolie. That alone is worth entry into the Hall of Fame. Her numbers stumbled during her silly Billy Bob period and her estrangement from her father, Jon Voigt. However, she has recovered nicely with her humanitarian efforts, which appear not to be superficial based on the consistency and depth. Also, Jolie appears to have been absolved of any blame for the Brad-Jen breakup. Perhaps it's because the only woman any guy would leave Jennifer Aniston for is Angelina Jolie.
Prognosis: First ballot.

Halle Berry: The scene in Swordfish is just the kind of big play Hall of Fame voters look for when deciding who to put on their ballot.
Prognosis: Maybe a Veterans' Committee selection.

Julia Roberts: Her career is similar to Joe Namath in that there was one unexpected big game (Pretty Woman), and a lot of flash. However, if you took a close look at the numbers, you wonder what the fuss is about.
Prognosis: Automatic first ballot selection based on reputation alone.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Are There or Aren't There Artesians?

This is Budweiser, Budweiser, this is Budweiser

This is beer:

Sounds Like You Have Mental Problems, Man

Hi, a friend of mine may have alerted you to my call. I was wondering if you had time to meet with me to discuss job searching strategies.

I’m not sure what my friend may have said, but you should know that I was never convicted.


Tuesday, November 08, 2005

If Your Election Lasts Longer Than One Day...

Today is election day in some locales, so it's time to hand out some OTP endorsements on the key issues that are facing voters.

Avian Bird Flu. I’ve decided that I’m opposed to it. How sick is it to name a flu after a bottle of water? Vote No.

Riots in France. It’s about time that the French’s claim of being such an open-minded society be exposed as fraudulent. Vote Yes.

Suspension of Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens (Bird Flu Two). What a big loser. Was very happy when the 49ers got rid of him. Vote Yes.

Prewar Intelligence. Apparently there was very little, on many levels. One also could argue that the lack of intelligence in the Shrub Administration has continued. Vote No.

Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders. Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders allegedly got into a bar fight after having sex with each other in a bathroom. Vote Yes! Emphatically! Vote multiple times if it's physically possible.

As they say to the strippers at Camelot on M St. – Get to the poles.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Do You Believe in Unlikelihoods?

The in-laws were in town this weekend to visit DC-Giant v. 2.0. The official reason for the visit was so my father-in-law could power wash our deck, but we all know that that was an excuse to see the grandchild. Don’t get us wrong, we were very grateful because the deck looks amazing, almost brand new.

My father-in-law is very good at home repair/handyman type work and I certainly can appreciate that because I’m the antithesis of that. I’m the unhandyman who finds ways to wreck or dirty the house, not repair it.

Of course, any house-related activity must include a trip to Home Depot, which I love do because I can look like I know what I’m doing while I’m there. While the father-in-law is looking for a spare part to repair the flux-capacitor that helps operate the power washer, I’m there to pick up air filters for the furnace.

No one has to know that I’m a total poser.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

No More No Comment

I've decided that I'm not talking to the press for the rest of the season.