Thursday, May 26, 2005

I'll Always Have a Burger

Wacko christian groups have their panties in a bunch over the new Carl's Jr. commercial featuring Paris Hilton in a slinky outfit suggestively washing a car, complaining that it's soft core porn.

First of all, it's interesting that they are able to identify soft core porn. Also, shouldn't everything be considered hard core porn to them?

Second, having seen the commercial, I'm not sure how they were able to make such a distinction. She's not naked and nothing is being inserted into any orifice, and there's no insertion being simulated. And, if you've seen how sex is simulated on Skinemax, there's no guy screwing her belly button.

I know soft core porn, soft core porn is a good friend of mine, and this isn't soft core porn.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

C’mon Meat, Throw Me That Weak Ass Shit

Finally had my best all-around game this weekend as I pitched well and had a good day at the plate going 3-for-5 with two RBI and two runs scored. I gave up 3 runs, all unearned, in the maximum-allowed five innings pitched.

The team finally won a game too. We were down one going into the bottom of the 9th and we scored two to take the win.

The final score was 9 pulled muscles for us, 8 for them. On the winning play, one of our guys grabbed his hamstring while trying to run out a ground ball to short. Elation ensued, as we all hobbled on to the field to celebrate.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Makes You Want To See Sausages Being Made

You will recall from the Schoolhouse Rock lecture every Saturday morning that a bill usually goes through committee before being voted on in the House or Senate. This committee ‘markup’ process makes for great theater.

Opening statements are akin to Spring Training where everyone is hopeful and optimistic that everything will proceed smoothly and people will work together.

You often hear statements such as:

--“I want to commend the chairman/chairwoman for all of his/her hard work on this bill…”
--“I want to thank the chairman for working with us and incorporating some of our ideas...”

The comity usual transforms into a comedy and degenerates into statements like:

--“Get your head out of your ass!”
--“Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”
--“You wouldn’t know a good idea if it fell from the sky, sat on your face, and started to wiggle.”

All this for just a bill, only a bill, sittin’ there on Capitol Hill.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Was It Her Deodorant?

I kid you not, a front page headline in today’s Washington Post said the following:

Rice Makes a Surprise Trip to Iraq
Bodies of 34 Iraqis Found at Three Sites

A Glass of Whine With That

I’m happy to report that there now is a store-brand version of the fat-free cheese slices that I buy. Before, I was forced to buy the much more expensive Kraft brand because it was the only one that offered a fat-free version.

Yes, I know, I would prefer to buy those cute little fresh-sliced cheeses at the cute little deli counter and the cute little Whole Foods store, but have you seen the fat content in them? Eat that enough times and I would turn into the aforementioned Fat Bastard.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

It's Headed Right At Us!

The wayward plane that entered restricted air space yesterday in Washington reminded me of that scene in ‘Austin Powers’ when the security guard stays frozen in the path of a very slow-moving steamroller even though it’s 10 yards away. Comically unnecessary, over-the-top drama.

It would have been quite a feat if a single-engine Cessna plane wiped out the Capitol building AND the White House simultaneously. One of the security guards probably could have swatted it out of the way if it was about to crash into the building.

Of course I say this, and the next time I smirk at an alert warning, it will involve a fleet of those large military transport planes piloted by brothers Al and George Qaeda.

One more note about our Caribbean holiday, the resort we stayed at might as well have been located just off of I-95 because we came across many people from New York, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, DC.

In observing these people, it’s no wonder Americans are not well regarded abroad – the obnoxious behavior, the inappropriate remarks, the tasteless outfits. And that was just me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Red, It's the New Black

The new Secretary of Homeland Security is considering changing, or eliminating, the color-coded terror alert system. Some have complained that it’s too vague.

Former Secretary Tom Ridge quipped, “It could be colors, it could be numbers, it could be animals. I don't care what you use to designate the trigger. But it's what kind of information do you share when you raise the threat level that I think is more important to the public. ...They want more information.”

I think they need to incorporate every day colloquial phrases into the terror alert system, so everyone would understand the true threat level. Here are some suggestions:

-- Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Low)
-- Wonder What That’s About? (Guarded)
-- Somebody Should Look Into That (Elevated)
-- What the Fuck?! (High)
-- Holy Shit! (Severe)
-- Here are your copies, President bin Laden (We’re fucked)

Dammit, I thought I activated the grenade.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

You Can Take the Man Out of Coach

I’m back from participating in the melanoma acceleration program in Turks & Caicos and let me tell you, it blows big chunks to be back. I’ll spare the details and just say that it was real and spectacular.

You will recall that this trip was courtesy of the first-class round-trip airline tickets that I won earlier this year.

Flying first- or business-class does not have the cache it once had, but it’s still not a bad way to travel; you can’t beat the bigger seats and the extra leg room. I thought the roasted spotted owl that was served for lunch was a bit excessive, but what can you do?

The safety announcement in the first-class cabin is a bit different than what I usually hear in coach. For instance, the flight attendant explained that, in the case of an emergency, the first-class cabin immediately would become encapsulated, the captain then would push an ‘eject’ button allowing the cabin to parachute safely to the ground. People in the industry call it the FC (Fuck Coach) button.

I’ll spare you all the details of the vacation, but I will say that it was real and spectacular. We stayed at an all-inclusive resort and man, there definitely is truth-in-advertising with this one. I found the rum-punch IV drips particularly enjoyable and convenient.