Thursday, July 28, 2005

I Remember Hating You For Loving Me

One of the reasons I enjoy riding the Metro trains in Washington is the comedic performances you often get from the dispatchers over the public address system.

Some of their best bits include statements such as:

“Passengers on the Red Line, be advised that we are experiencing a minor delay. A train will be serving your platform shortly.” An hour later, I’m in stitches because that statement obviously is a send up of the old ‘distortion of the space-time continuum' bit.

The comedy usually then extends to the train operators, who utter such hilarities as:

“Don’t overcrowd this train, there is another train directly behind this one.”

Another hour later, I’m in stitches again because there obviously was some coordination between the dispatcher and the train operator on the space-time continuum joke.

"We thank you for your continued patience."

You're killing me!

Shrub to the Boy Scouts: Fuck Off

Yesterday, approximately 300 Boy Scouts were treated for heat-related conditions after waiting for hours in extreme heat for the Shrub to show up, who cancelled at the last minute because it was too hot.

To make matters worse, one of the reasons so many succumbed to the heat was the Shrub only allowed people to bring in one or two bottles of water into the event because of security concerns.

It’s been a tough week for the Boy Scouts, who are holding a jamboree in the D.C. area. Earlier in the week, four scout leaders were electrocuted when the tent pole they were trying to put up made contact with a power line. The Shrub was to talk about the accident in his speech to the Boy Scouts, but decided to tell the relatives of the deceased to fuck off as well.

I know what you're thinking. The Boy Scouts discriminate anyway, so let them fry.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Was Judge Wapner Not Available?

In order to ensure confirmation of his Supreme Court nominee, the Shrub picked a Nazi with a smile, which is something he always had aspired to become, except he couldn’t smile without looking like a dumbass, and he thought Nazi was a dice game.

I’m not sure why I was overlooked for an appointment. I have impeccable credentials. I once thought of going to law school, I’ve been inside the Supreme Court building, I’ve read a number of Grisham books, and my dad forced me to watch ‘The People’s Court’ when I was a kid. I’m sure I would have received a high-rating from the ABA.

I would make a great Supreme Court justice. I could play poker with Rehnquist and Scalia. I could porn swap with Clarence Thomas, and I would have a gay friend again in David Souter.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Only Their Jerseys Were Black

A group of us who are Washington Capitals season ticket holders got together over the weekend to renew acquaintances and celebrate the end of the NHL lockout.

It’s a racially diverse group. Oh wait, it’s virtually all white. Never mind.

It’s an economically diverse group. Wait, we’re all around the same income level. Never mind.

We’re all from different parts … Wait, we live in the same metropolitan area.

Jeez, fuck that. I try to write about a kumbaya moment, and look what happens.

A group of mouth-breathing puck-heads who all look alike got together this weekend. Is that better?

Monday, July 18, 2005

Boob Tube II

My soon-to-be 17 month old son is not the least bit interested in watching TV – no sports, no cartoons, no Skinemax, nothing.

Where did I go wrong?

Friday, July 15, 2005

Robert Parish for Jo Jo White

I know some get bored when I talk about sports, but sometimes I can’t help it.

When the Wizards lost Larry Hughes, I thought, here we go again, the same ol’ Wizards. They promised that re-signing him was their number one priority in the off-season and they still lose him.

While I’m not thrilled that they lost Hughes, at least they made a somewhat decent deal in trading problem-child Kwame Brown for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

The same old Wizards, the ones who got traded away Chris Webber, Rasheed Wallace, Richard Hamilton, Ben Wallace (should I go on?), would have traded Kwame Brown for someone who was older and smaller with a bloated contract, like say Sam Cassell. Then Kwame would have won multiple championships, while Cassell would have been pulled over with pot and guns in his car.

There still is time for Kwame to win multiple championships with the Lakers, and for Butler and Atkins to blow out their knees. Stay tuned.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Boob Tube

The other night I did not watch TV at all, which is sort of unprecedented. I did quickly check the score of the Nats game, and the Travel Channel to see if the poker tournament was a repeat (it was). The point is, I did not sit on the couch with my mouth agape for a 2 to3 hour period with the remote in my hand.

Summer TV, except for sports, is a bit of a wasteland anyway. The only thing that’s been worth watching lately is ‘Entourage’ and ‘The Comeback’ on HBO.

‘Entourage’ is excellent and funny. If a show can be judged by the number cringe-inducing moments in each episode, then ‘The Comeback’ is it.

In ‘The Comeback,’ Lisa Kudrow proves that she was the most talented person on ‘Friends,’ in terms of acting. If you are judging by breasts, the race between Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox is neck-and-neck (or chest-and-chest). An honorable mention goes to Matthew Perry, particularly during that period when he tried to eat his way through his addiction to painkillers.

Monday, July 04, 2005

I'll Have What She's Having

The two greatest words in the culinary dictionary are 'smoked' and 'bacon.' Combine the two and well, you have a little slice of heaven.

Lately, I've been ordering meals that contain something called applewood smoked bacon. I really don't have the slightest clue what constitutes the applewood smoking process. This is how I see the menu:

applewood SMOKED BACON

Friday, July 01, 2005

I Missed That Class

Want to know why most people don’t give a shit about politics and Congress?

Yesterday, the House of Representatives essentially voted to adopt a rule that would allow them to suspend the rules, so they could suspend the rules and pass a series of bills.

What in the Wide Wide World of Sports in going on here?