Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Then Why is the Sky . . .

I was very glad to see the Puke Blue Devils lose in the NCAA tournament last weekend. One, because I hate Duke, and two, I’ve always liked Tom Izzo; he’s a great coach and is not afraid to put together a tough schedule.

Although, it’s surprising when Duke loses any game considering they have eight men on the floor each time (five players, three refs). I’ve always said that rooting for them is like rooting for Microsoft.

Duke basketball is like Notre Dame football in that it likes to pretend that it’s above other programs. However, if you scratch the surface a little, you will find that they indeed are like everyone else. Notre Dame already has demonstrated that they are frauds, so hopefully Duke won’t be far behind.

Contrary to popular opinion, Duke does not have a high academic admission standard for their basketball players as say a Stanford, or an Ivy League school. Duke may graduate a high percentage of their players, but it was discovered a few years ago that over 90 percent of those players majored in sociology. That says to me that the head of the sociology department is a ‘friend of the program.’ Of course other schools do things that are much worse, but that’s not the point.

The media buys the bullshit completely, which results in the over-hyping of players such as J.J. Reddick. He often is described as the best three-point shooter in college and yet he shot 40 percent from beyond the arc. Salim Stoudamire from Arizona shot OVER 50 percent from the three-point line, but we never hear about him.

White players from Duke get feted by the media like nobody’s business, and look what happens to them. Danny Ferry, Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley; they all became major duds compared to what was expected from them.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Gimme a Second While I Whip This Out

Angelina Jolie recent was rated the sexiest woman in the world by the readers of FHM magazine. The editor claimed that Jolie "embodies everything that our readers find incredibly sexy. Not only is she stunning, she is intelligent, outspoken and passionate in her beliefs and well-respected the world over for her tireless efforts on behalf of the world's refugee children."

I can imagine the readers sitting on their couch thinking, "You know, that Angelina Jolie is quite the intellectual, I think I'll vote for her."

Uh, no. This is how they rated the women - "She is so fucking hot! Mark it down!"

Further damaging the editor's argument is that the readers rated Paris Hilton third. Intelligent, passionate in her beliefs and well-respected the world over aren't phrases that often are associated with Paris Hilton.

Although, if you have seen her infamous Internet sex video, you would conclude that she is a nice piece of intellect.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Start Conceiving Now

My son helped me win two round-trip first class airline tickets to the Caribbean.

You will recall that I was selling candy as a fundraiser for his daycare center. One of my best customers was a colleague who recently was selling raffle tickets as a fundraiser for a worthwhile charity. I bought one to return the favor and ended up winning one of the prizes.

Have a child and you could go to the Caribbean.

Monday, March 21, 2005

You Wanna Piece of My Heart

Fuckin' Syracuse. I had them going all they way to the Championship game.

Fuckin' UConn. I had them in the Final Four.

If Terry Schiavo were black, there is no way her case would have received so much attention from the Shrub and Congress. I guess it shouldn't be surprising that they would focus on her. Someone in a persistent vegetative state is just the kind of voter Republicans like.

Daryn Kagan on CNN appears to be going for the anorexic/heroin chic look. Since she's still dating Rush Limbaugh, maybe she picked up his drug habit.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Iona Chevy

Continuing the NCAA tournament theme, here are teams that are being assigned new nicknames.

Penn And Tellers
Pacific Ocean
George Washington Carvers
Creighton Barrel
Wake Forest It’s Time for Breakfast
Chattanooga Choo Choo
Champaign Villanova in the Sky
Old Dominion Lager (It’s a local thing)

I had the good fortune of attending a couple ACC tournament games when it was in Washington last week. I saw the Wake Forest-NC State game followed by Duke-Virginia.

All I can say is that there must be a lot of hemophiliacs among Duke fans.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

I'm Picking By Best Mascot

In his Washington Post column, Tony Kornheiser used to put together fun Final Fours. Since he is busy being a multi-media giant, I’ve decided to pick up the slack. Mind you, the brackets don’t line up for these teams to actually meet in the Final Four. Work with me, here.

Donovan McNabb Final Four
Boston College Eagles
Winthrop Eagles
Niagra Purple Eagles

NFC Final Four
Charlotte 49ers
Oklahoma St. Cowboys
SE Louisiana Lions
Pittsburgh Panthers

Metro Rail Final Four
Texas Tech Red Raiders
Duke Blue Devils
Syracuse Orangemen
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

We can throw in the Niagra Purple Eagles, if we want to include proposed Metro lines. The starts of these games will be delayed by 20 minutes.

Google It Final Four
Southern Illinois Salukis
St. Mary’s Gaels
Vermont Catamounts
Chattanooga Mocs

Saucers of Milk Final Four
Arizona Wildcats
Kentucky Wildcats
Cincinnati Bearcats
Ohio Bobcats

Compass Final Four
Northern Iowa
Southern Illinois
Eastern Kentucky
West Virginia
Central Florida in the play-in game.

Time Machine Final Four
George Washington Colonials
Fairleigh Dickinson Knights
Charlotte 49ers
West Virginia Mountaineers

Dress Code Final Four
UAB Blazers
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
Chattanooga Mocs
Eastern Kentucky Colonels

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Four Tickets to 'Asses of Fire' Please

Volkswagen is recalling approximately 50,000 cars in Canada because of defective seat heaters that have toasted some people’s buns.

According to the wire reports, most of the burns have been in the “severe sunburn range,” and occupants have said that they notice an electrical melting smell (probably underwear) and see small amounts of smoke. Tastes like chicken.

Are you burnin’ me bum? You bum burner.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Next, Matt Hale to Darfur

The Shrub Administration has appointed former presidential adviser Karen Hughes to a State Department diplomatic position that is designed to improve relations with the Muslim world.

Because, you know who better to improve relations with Muslims than a fat, Southern, white woman.

Barry Just Works Out A Lot

Pardon the long pause in between posts. It takes a lot of hard work and deep thought to produce such mediocre material on a consistent basis.

The story about former and current baseball players being called to testify under oath before Congress on steroids is a crock of shit and just one big publicity stunt by the leadership of the committee involved. The situation became more ridiculous when subpoenas became involved.

The panel that is convening this hearing, the House Government Reform Committee, is one of the most irrelevant committees in Congress despite its officious sounding name. It is not considered a plum assignment by Members of Congress, so both parties tend to name their newly-elected dumb-shits on the committee. If you get an opportunity to watch the hearing, you will be alarmed that these people were elected to Congress and are considered leaders.

The chairman of this committee, Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA), actually is a sensible guy (for a Republican), so it surprised me that he would pull a stunt like this. However, with Virginia Gov. Mark Warner (D) term limited, and Sen. George Allen (R-VA) considering a run for president, perhaps Davis is attempting to raise his profile to set himself up for a run for one of those seats.

By-the-by, George Allen as president is a very frightening concept. He would make the Shrub look like a Mensa member.

Everybody knows that these players took steroids. Let’s move on. Congress doesn’t need to get involved; these drugs already are illegal, so no new laws are necessary.

Also, am I the only one that thinks it’s the height of hypocrisy that it is against the law to lie to Congress?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Eschew Obfuscation

One of the easiest sports jobs around that is made more difficult than it has to be is the color analyst or commentator. These broadcasters, often former players, provide a so-called ‘behind-the-scenes’ perspective on the action, as well as an explanation of what a team has to do to win a game.

My favorite comments during a baseball game are when the analyst says, “It’s important to get the number 8 hitter out.” Uh, it’s important to get every hitter out.

If I were an analyst, this is how I would approach this particular aspect of the job.

“Now for DC-Giant’s keys to the game. In order for the Washington Wizards to win the game, they have to score more points than the other team.”

Here is a preview of a post-game analysis.

“Why did the Washington Nationals lose the game? They didn’t score as many runs as the other team.”

This type of analysis could apply to other jobs as well. I would make an excellent budget analyst for the government. "I think we our revenue should match or exceed our expenses." You are hired!

So complex, yet ...

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Abstinence and the City

With his head way up his ass, a leading Senate Republican announced yesterday that he wants to extend the indecency rules that govern over-the-air radio and television broadcasts to cable shows like ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘South Park.’

What the fuck?! We already are an embarrassment to the world because of our phony puritanical standards, and now Republicans want to make it even worse.

Can you imagine what a cleaned up ‘Sex and the City’ would be like? Oh wait, you don’t have to because that version already is being aired on TBS. Also, A&E soon will air repeats of ‘The Sopranos.’ Sanitized syndication, if you will; completely unwatchable.

Half the fun of ‘Sex and the City’ was watching what kind of ridiculous sexual predicament that would befall Samantha. Under so-called indecency rules, she would not be able to wax poetic about the best back massager to buy. Instead, there would be staid conversation about how they really work for actual back massages.

That just doesn’t vibrate, I mean resonate, with me.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

A Sports Radio Station with Sports Please

The primary sports radio station (WTEM-980) in the Washington area sucks. They do not carry games of any of the pro teams in Washington – no Redskins, no Wizards, and, worst of all now, no Nationals. You would think that being a sports station would mean they would carry a shit-load of games to supplement the sports talk component of the programming.

I don’t give a shit about the Redskins, I hate them, so I’m glad they don’t carry them. WTEM used to carry the resurging Wizards, but they bounced them to a 10-watt sister station up the dial. They were the favorite to carry the Nationals, but they somehow fucked that up and so now the Nats are going to be heard on a 20-watt FM station that plays top-40 crap.

The only games they air on a regular basis are Georgetown basketball, winners of the MEAC title for 25 years straight. Puhleez.

In fairness, they would have carried the Caps had there been a hockey season, but don’t get me started on that. The title of this blog is a double entendre, one of which reflects my appreciation for hockey.

Even the sports talk is not that great, except for the immensely enjoyable Tony Kornheiser. There’s a new show 7-9pm featuring a guy with a high-pitched shrill that is not conducive to radio. He’s a local guy that started at the station as an intern, so it’s a nice story, but he clearly sounds like he is trying way too hard.

Is it too much to ask for sports from a sports radio station?