Friday, December 30, 2005

What Happens Here Stays Here

I was able to procure an advanced copy of January’s toddler room activities for DC-Giant v. 2.0.

· Roundtable Discussion: Sniffing glue: How an innocent childhood activity became a worldwide phenomenon.

· Executive Committee Meeting: The complexities of running with scissors while looking one-way before crossing the street.

· Classroom Debate: Male sounding last names as girl’s first names.
Pro: Morgan, Spencer
Con: Anna and Maggie

· Classroom Debate: 12-year old single-malt scotch should be removed from the lunch menu.
No: Tanner
Hell No: T.J.

· Texas Hold 'em tournament: 100 goldfish cracker buy-in.

Next month, we hope to host a wine tasting and Casino Night.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Rain Rain Go Away

I recently agreed to participate in an extensive market research survey that sought to find out what I read (crap), watch (crap), and buy (crap). The process involved a lengthy phone session, followed by a lengthy written questionnaire. Finally, I had to fill out a TV diary that chronicled all the shows I watched during a 7 day period.

Filling in the TV diary was easy as I generally watch the same types of program every day. When I wake up, I watch the news (cartoons). I have a TV in my office to monitor current events, so during the day I watch C-SPAN in addition to the news (soaps and Oprah). At night, I wind down the day by watching documentaries on PBS and the History Channel (sports and Skinemax).

For a show to be eligible for entry into the diary, I was supposed to have watched it for at least five minutes. They can’t be serious. Conceivably, I could watch TV all night and not have any show qualify for the diary. As the Seinfeld joke goes, I'm not interested in what's on TV, I'm interested in what ELSE is on TV. Shoot, five minutes is even plenty of time to (never mind).

I’m not sure how I got chosen for this. Perhaps they wanted to find out more about a member of the east coast intelligentsia (dumbass).

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

O Holy Kung Pao Chicken

Sometimes you just feel so beholden to tradition, that it just feels weird to stray from it. Turkey for Thanksgiving and ham for Christmas, that’s the way it always was at my house growing up, so that’s the way I thought it always would be.

I also never considered venturing out on Christmas day an option. I thought all families were under house arrest until the following day, except for kids who wanted to play with outside toys. My rude awakening came one Christmas when I wanted to go see a new Superman movie at the theaters. No one is going to be there and I should get in no problem, I thought. The line snaked around for a couple blocks, so no Christmas movie for me that day.

I blindly bought a ham before Christmas this year thinking that it would be our dinner for that night (turkey for Thanksgiving, ham for Christmas dammit). But then we thought, Chinese food sounds really good. Mrs. Giant and I did that one year, so it’s not like there wasn’t precedence. So away we went.

“Jewish, heathen, or lazy Christian?” said the host.

How incredibly rude, I thought. It turns out she just wanted to find out in what section we should be seated in the busy restaurant.

"Do you serve General Tso’s ham?"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

For The Rest of Us

During Mrs. Giant’s office holiday party, she couldn’t help but notice the number of senior executives who had one too many drinks and would proceed to air their grievances about the company, which included the hurling of a few expletives.

Nothing measures office morale more than seeing managers lamenting about their jobs while slightly (or even more than slightly) inebriated.

The SEC should consider requiring companies to list the percentage of senior executives who get drunk during the annual holiday party in their annual reports. It should be featured prominently along with the major assets and liabilities and be called the Festivus Index. The formula could be tweaked to factor in those who got drunk just for the sake of it and not to use it as a means to lament. I would dump the stock of any company with a Festivus Index of 50 percent or above.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Why Are They So Close to the Microphone?

Fortunately, OTP is not bound by any journalistic standards like the other major media outlets, so I can report things without having to confirming sources and all that kind of appropriate, ethical shit. It’s such a major inconvenience.

Rumors are abuzz in Washington that there is a gay angle in the bribery case against former Congressman Randy ‘Duke’ Cunningham (R-CA). Not only did he accept bribes from his sugar-daddy, but he also had him arrange gay liaisons for him. What’s a wacko conservative former fighter pilot to do?

Wait, there’s more.

There reportedly also is a gay angle to the Abramoff scandal involving Congressman Bob Ney (R-OH). In addition to funneling a boatload of funds into Ney’s campaign, Abramoff also arranged for gay liaisons for the Congressman.

Membership in the Closeted Gay Republican Caucus is growing. The chairman of this caucus is David Dreier (CA), who was denied becoming acting majority leader earlier this year by wacko conservative Republicans who know his secret. There is Rep. Mark Foley (FL), and now Bob Ney.

There are all kinds of closet cases in the Administration as well - Karl Rove; Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman; Scooter Libby; and White House spokesperson Scott McClellan.

It might as well be called the Big Time Hypocrisy Caucus.

Friday, December 16, 2005

There's an Opening in Visalia

Baseball's winter meetings passed without me receiving any offers from any team, so the writing might be on the wall. As a friend pointed out, it may be time to hang up the ol' cleats, and the back brace, sports rub, wrist wrap, medicine bag, etc.

I couldn't even get a minor league deal with the lowly Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I told them that I would take my 50 mph fastball and my breaking ball that looks like its falling off a piece of paper back to the Pretty Damn Lame baseball league.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Fixedfront Valley

The federal agency operating the air marshals program announced today that they would extend it and also place marshals on trains, buses, and ferries.

Reaction from gay rights groups was swift.

“It will really depend on which marshals are involved before we object to them being on us,” said one official who requested anonymity.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


With baseball’s winter meetings having just concluded in Dallas last week, Off The Post continues its examination into potential Hall of Fame inductees.

Elizabeth Hurley. Another Jose Canseco, in that a promising start was followed by a descent into tawdry behavior. Her supporting role in ‘The Hooker Who Went Up the Street and Came Down an Englishman’ could have helped, but it represented the beginning of the end.

Elisabeth Shue. The high-wattage smile was introduced to us in Karate Kid. She has had a very nice career, but it’s unclear at this point whether it’s Hall of Fame worthy. Plenty of time to put up good numbers to elevate her status.

Jennifer Aniston. Of all the ‘Friends,’ she has made the wisest career choices. Instead of cashing in by taking roles in bombs, she took quality roles in independent films and acclaimed supporting roles in big budget movies. If she continues making smart choices, she's well on her way to the Hall of Fame.

Jennifer Love-Hewitt. The fantastic breasts cannot be ignored. However, it’s too early to tell whether she’s HOF material. So far, probably not.

Mrs. Giant. Automatic first-ballot HOFer if there ever was one. She had a MILF moment recently when she was hit-on at a holiday party. The guy stopped speaking to her once she pointed to me getting drinks for us. I was so proud.

Would be the male equivalent of MILF be Fathers I’d Like to Take Home (FILTH)?

Monday, December 12, 2005

It's Made With Figs, and Bacon

I may have written before about how having a child impacts everyday activities – i.e., it’s difficult to watch TV programs that feature children in peril. I now buy this particular bottle of wine simply because it’s from a vineyard that includes my son’s name.

I’m no connoisseur of wine. In fact, I’m an amateur consumer of alcohol in general. I reached a point in my life where I’m not scared of becoming an alcoholic anymore, so I’m finally allowing my liver to stretch its legs a little bit.

My amateur status prevents me from telling you that this wine is great. The French probably use it in their bidets. True wine connoisseurs probably could smell and taste the difference as soon as they unscrewed the cap.

But, hey, it doesn’t matter to me. I feel like I’m toasting my son every time I imbibe and that’s good enough for me.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Two Tickets to the Gun Show

The holiday season is a special time of year with many joyous occasions, whether it's decorating a tree, hanging out with friends, and determining who would participate in a ménage-a-trois with you and your wife.

I can think of four women who MIGHT be game. Getting one of them to do it would involve a nominal fee, so her participation is automatic and fortunately - because of where she lives - legal. If the others aren't the least bit interested, well then many awkward moments lie ahead.

Of course, I talk a good game, but let's face it, if that opportunity ever presented itself, there's probably no way I'm rising up to the occasion because I would be way too busy wigging out. I would need a popsicle stick, some scotch tape and a shoehorn for anything to happen. All the Viagra in the world wouldn’t be able to help prop me up.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Up Here Sir, Right This Way

We finally tried out this Tex-Mex restaurant in our town that has received very positive reviews from local publications It did not disappoint.

First, we were greeted by some sweet, sticky, young thang with nice breasts who was wearing a revealing low-cut top. Talk about having me at hello. (To Mrs. Giant - I really didn't notice a thing, sweetie. I'm just writing this for entertainment value.)

Anyway, you all should try it sometime.