Friday, March 17, 2006

Can't The Vegetables Just Get Along?

I suddenly became a big fan of Jessica Simpson this week for her snub of the Shrub. She didn't want to politicize the charity that she is promoting by appearing at a Nazi fundraiser, even though she's probably a fucking Republican.

The Shrub expressed deep disappointment in not being able to meet with her because he said it would have been one of the very few times where he could have been smarter than the other person in the room.

Simpson's favorite charity is the National Association for the Advancement of Dumbshits (NAADs). She was scheduled to appear at the fundraiser to hand out t-shirts that said 'Go NAADS.'

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Matrix is Everywhere

It’s annoying when retail stores ask for my phone number or zip code at the register when I’m making a purchase. I know they are trying to gather information about where their shoppers live to determine what products they should carry and where they could locate new stores, but I just want to buy my stuff; leave me alone.

When this information is presented to the retailer, the analysis often contains a margin of error figure for the data. That’s for people like me because I give out the phone number or zip code for the White House when someone bothers me for this information just to fuck with the research. It’s my way of sticking it to the man. (But you are the man.)

I do play favorites though. If it’s a store I like and would like to see one open closer to my house, I might be compelled to provide an accurate zip code, although I still wouldn’t provide a phone number. A store like Wal-Mart would get a zip code in Frostburg, MD, far away from me. A store like Borders actually would get a correct zip code. If the Cheesecake Factory ever asked me for this kind of information, I would give them my social security number, my mom’s maiden name, and the GPS coordinates to my house.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Stronger Faster Version

We interrupt your regularly scheduled post to bring you comments from v2.0.

Boy did I have a busy weekend. On Saturday morning Mum-mum and Da-da took me to the zoo. I really liked the apes and the sea lion. After we were done at the zoo, we went to Woodley Park for lunch. I had lots of fun reading my books and laughing with Mum-mum. We got into the car at 12:51 and at 12:55 I was asleep. When we got home Mum-mum took me up to my crib and I slept until 4:30! When I got up Mum-mum and I took a bike ride. Then Da-da took me for a ride on my 4-wheeler. I'm getting pretty good at driving it now.

Sunday was pretty laid back during the day. When I got up from my nap, Mum-mum and Da-da took me to a hockey game. I was pretty scared at first and even cried a little, but by the end of the second period I was yelling with the crowd and clapping and chanting, "O-lie! O-lie!" I had lots of fun.

It was nice to get back to day care today. I had a busy day making shamrocks and playing at the playground. I can say all my teacher's names now -- Ora, Arie (Marie), Anine (Denine), and Ba Ba (Barbara). Mum-mum keeps trying to give me quizzes. She'll point to Da-da and say, "Who's this?" I usually don't answer. (I don't like to do tricks!) But sometimes she'll point to herself and say, "Who am I?" I'll point to myself and say "Who am I?" I think that's the wrong answer, but it makes Mum-mum laugh.

My new favorite game is ring-around-the-rosy. I like to sing it. "Addy, addy, ba ball ball down!" (Ashes, ashes we all fall down.) That makes Mum-mum and Da-da laugh too. It's weird, they laugh at me a lot. I think I'm getting a complex.

Well, I'm pretty tired, so I should go to bed. Besides, if Mum-mum finds out I'm using her computer she'll kill me! (With big kisses of course!)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Coming Soon: Hunting Accident Unit

This week, George Washington Unversity Hospital announced that Dick and Lynne Cheney were donating $2.7 million to fund a new cardiovascular unit.

That wasn't a donation; that was his account balance for the heart-related treatments he received over the past 10 years. They decided to announce it as a donation, so that Dick could save face.

He still owes for the medical bills of his hunting friends.

Friday, March 10, 2006

That Won't Do Anything But Help

I heard a news blurb on the radio this morning about the release of another study that shows that caffeine may be addictive. As proof, the study noted that when regular coffee drinkers aren't able to get their fix, they get a headache and become tired.

Um, isn't that the main reason why one starts drinking coffee in the first place?

That's precisely why I started to take heroin. Oh shit, did I type that out loud?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

We'll Work Up a Number 6 on 'Em

You may have seen the headline on ‘Lesbian Beats 3 Guys for Homecoming King Crown’

This happened at a small liberal arts school (like there is another kind) in western Maryland. No one should be surprised that this happened and it should put to rest any doubts that people might have that lesbians are tough to beat. This story also will help perpetuate the stereotype that guys who go to liberal arts schools are wuses.

Oh wait, she won by majority vote? Never mind then.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Thank God It Wasn't a Handbag

Great news! This past weekend, v2.0 had a minor melt down at a store. It’s great news because it happened at a sporting goods store and he was upset that we wouldn’t buy a baseball bat for him.

He saw me checking out baseball bats and wanted to swing one too, so we gave him a tee-ball bat to carry around while I was picking one to buy. As I was making my way to the register, I heard a boy start to have a meltdown, and my first thought was ‘poor guy and those poor parents.’ Then I thought, ‘hmmm, that voice sounds familiar.’ Yes, it was mine. Mrs. Giant was attempting to take the bat from him and put it back so we could leave. He didn’t take too kindly to that and reacted accordingly.

Of course, being the great parents we are, our reaction wasn’t exactly sympathetic. Mrs. Giant laughed because she said v2.0 looked so cute scampering toward the back of the store with the bat, and also looked very cute when he was crying on the floor after she took the bat from him. I was of no use either because I was so elated that he was expressing an interest in baseball, and not some expensive sport, like hah-kee.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Several Hundred Big Pieces

Here is another example of how screwed up race relations are in this country. James Frey writes a so-called memoir that details a number of criminal activities and his path toward redemption. It turns out that his stories are mostly false. So, although he wanted desperately to be incarcerated, Frey couldn’t get arrested to save his life.

Meanwhile, Colton Simpson, an original member of the Crips gang based in L.A., wrote a critically-acclaimed book that chronicles his life inside the gang and his path toward redemption. Now the book is being used as evidence in his trial on charges that he participated in a robbery of an $800 diamond earring from a jewelry store. As you might infer, Simpson is African-America.

Why wasn’t there this much fortitude in pursuing Frey’s claims? Smoking Gun accidentally happened upon it, but no one else. I bet if law enforcement officials had investigated Frey, he would have come clean about his exaggerations long before Smoking Gum came knocking on his door. Even then, he should have been arrested just for being a buffoon.

If I’m Simpson, I would use the James Frey defense. He should say he exaggerated details in his book for dramatic effect. Heck, he should say that he’s really white.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I Will Collect You and Capture You

Hillary Clinton last week quipped that Karl Rove is obsessed about her because all he does is talk about how she is going to be the 2008 Democratic presidential nominee. I’m sure lots of people snickered at the remark, thinking it was along the lines of her statement about there being a ‘vast right-wing conspiracy theory.’

While it may seem non-sensical initially, it makes sense strategically for Rove to be obsessed with Hillary. The Republicans are floundering right now with all of the corruption scandals and are experiencing some very low poll numbers. Hillary is a very polarizing figure, particularly among men, who hate her, and what better way to distract from the scandals by continually invoking Hillary? It allows Rove to offer up red meat to the party loyalists and scare the male swing voters into the Republican camp.

I have to laugh at men who are scared of Hillary. What a bunch of fucking pussies. Get some balls, fer crissakes. They'll at least match the ones Hillary has.

There also in an underlying motive for Rove in doing this. I think he desperately wants Hillary to be his fag hag.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks

I recently got a moleskine notebook, the legendary journal that was used by the likes of Hemingway, Van Gogh, and Matisse to jot down ideas or drawings before they were transformed into renowned works of art. Because of its historic status, I felt compelled to begin it with something poetic and timeless. Somehow, a ‘to-do’ list just didn’t resonate.

Research for provision in the pension reform bills that would provide a waiver for defined contribution plans.

Darn, I guess my notebook is for the likes of Julio Hemingway, Frank Van Gogh, and Jean Matisse.