For The Rest of Us
During Mrs. Giant’s office holiday party, she couldn’t help but notice the number of senior executives who had one too many drinks and would proceed to air their grievances about the company, which included the hurling of a few expletives.
Nothing measures office morale more than seeing managers lamenting about their jobs while slightly (or even more than slightly) inebriated.
The SEC should consider requiring companies to list the percentage of senior executives who get drunk during the annual holiday party in their annual reports. It should be featured prominently along with the major assets and liabilities and be called the Festivus Index. The formula could be tweaked to factor in those who got drunk just for the sake of it and not to use it as a means to lament. I would dump the stock of any company with a Festivus Index of 50 percent or above.
Nothing measures office morale more than seeing managers lamenting about their jobs while slightly (or even more than slightly) inebriated.
The SEC should consider requiring companies to list the percentage of senior executives who get drunk during the annual holiday party in their annual reports. It should be featured prominently along with the major assets and liabilities and be called the Festivus Index. The formula could be tweaked to factor in those who got drunk just for the sake of it and not to use it as a means to lament. I would dump the stock of any company with a Festivus Index of 50 percent or above.
posted by DC-Giant at 2:56 PM
1 Comments:
I would like to add some additional data fields to the Festivus Index based on personal experience in unsuccessfully mixing business with pleasure:
1) Crossdressing Coefficient - add the number of senior male executives that end up in women's clothing by the end of the night
2) Chlorine Corrolary - divide by the dollar value of bespoke tailored clothing bleached and shredded by jumping into overchlorinated resort and hotel swimming pools
3) Law of the Office Hookup - multiply by the risk factor of engaging in drunken canoodling
4) Ass under Glass theorem - Direct subtraction of the number of Xeroxed heinies that end up printed out and posted to bulletin boards throughout the office
5) The Shrimp and Cocktail clause - direct proportional relationship between number of rubbery cocktail shrimp consumed and the number of extrastrong cocktails consumed
All previous laws are suspended if a bitch slapping fight ensues or any member of the party ends up in a strip club by the end of the night.
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