Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Memoirs of a Heisha

My goodness, where have I been? I've been accepting bribes and leaving drug paraphernalia in my car. Throw in a solicitation charge and you can see that I've been a very busy guy. Like my dad used to say, someday you will meet a woman so gorgeous, so stunning, that you won't even haggle over price.

With all of this talk about how some recent controversies may impact some player's chances of getting into the Hall of Fame, it's time to review the credentials of several Hall of Fame candidates.

Meg Ryan. Was considered an automatic first-ballot Hall of Famer, but her dalliance with cliche bad boy Russell Crowe and her divorce from Dennis Quaid may have turned off some voters. Now comes word that she recently got a face-lift, which would cause another decline in her numbers.
Prognosis: Still gets in on the first ballot, but without the unanimous vote that most people anticipated.

Angelina Jolie: Conventional wisdom is that Jolie is even more stunning in person. A gay male colleague of Mrs. Giant said he would go straight for Jolie. That alone is worth entry into the Hall of Fame. Her numbers stumbled during her silly Billy Bob period and her estrangement from her father, Jon Voigt. However, she has recovered nicely with her humanitarian efforts, which appear not to be superficial based on the consistency and depth. Also, Jolie appears to have been absolved of any blame for the Brad-Jen breakup. Perhaps it's because the only woman any guy would leave Jennifer Aniston for is Angelina Jolie.
Prognosis: First ballot.

Halle Berry: The scene in Swordfish is just the kind of big play Hall of Fame voters look for when deciding who to put on their ballot.
Prognosis: Maybe a Veterans' Committee selection.

Julia Roberts: Her career is similar to Joe Namath in that there was one unexpected big game (Pretty Woman), and a lot of flash. However, if you took a close look at the numbers, you wonder what the fuss is about.
Prognosis: Automatic first ballot selection based on reputation alone.

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