Where is the Jenna Jameson See-N-Say?

OTP was on hiatus for a few days as the wife was ill, so I had primary parental duty for our one year old son. I don't know how single parents do it.

One of the things my son likes to do lately is open his closet door and go in. Great, I hope he is not gay, not because of personal objections, but because society, especially Republicans, can be harsh and cruel.

Oh well, if he is heading for life in the closet, I guess that would mean he could be a priest, in the military, the Republican governor of TX, a Republican congressman from FL, a Supreme Court Justice, or an all-star catcher.

Ultimately, I would hope he wouldn't be in the closet. If he were to come out, I would congratulate him and ask him to decorate our house and help me with my wardrobe.

Not sure why some people object so strenuously to homosexuality. Girl-on-girl porn jump started me into puberty. Also, girl-on-girl porn is good for the economy; look what it has done for Kleenex.

Did They Shoot Roebuck?

I stepped into a Sears for the first time since I was a kid and the layout of the store was exactly the same as when I last saw it. Our dishwasher conked out and we saw a Sears advertisement for an appliance sale, so we decided to throw caution to the wind and give it a shot.

One of the things I remember about shopping at Sears was that, every time I was there, I always seemed to witness families arguing with each other and playing out their drama for everyone to see. Granted, sometimes my family contributed to some of these dramatic performances, but that’s for another therapy session.

I guess it always made for an interesting shopping experience, although I'm not sure how Sears could have put that in a slogan. ‘Watch a family air its dirty laundry while you buy a washing machine’ doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

Much to my surprise, we actually ended up buying the dishwasher at Sears. Too bad a Wal-Mart isn’t close by because the same dishwasher would have cost $3 there.

DC-Giant Episode II

My son turned one this weekend. The past year went incredibly fast.

If he ever joins the mob, I've decided that his nickname should be 'The Germ.' He has brought home every ailment that has made its way around his day care center. I've been sick more times in the past year than I've been in the past 10. I wouldn't have it any other way though.

The biggest epiphany I've had in the past year in being a father is that 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star...' and the 'ABC' song is the same tune.

Joey, Have You Ever Been in a Turkish Prison?

With all the recent discussions about the possibility that Abraham Lincoln may have been gay, children’s books on the 16th president’s life have been revised to reflect his new status:

Gay-braham Lincoln was born February 12, Gay-teen oh-nine in a small, but tastefully furnished log cabin, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

By the time he was 17, he knew that he wanted to be a lawyer, and a part-time interior decorator. He would walk miles to town to watch lawyers work, and to buy some kick-ass fabric.

When he was a surveyor, he tried always to be accurate with everyone’s, ahem, measurements.

He was elected to the Illinois Legislature where he became very friendly with all the pages. He tired of the pages in Illinois, so he ran for the U.S. Senate, but lost.

He became president in 1861, freed the slaves, and won the Civil War.

He was shot and killed by his raging, jealous lover, who was an actor, in 1865.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, there is something wrong with getting shot and killed, but there’s nothing wrong with having a raging, jealous lover. Okay, there is something wrong if the lover is raging and jealous.

After Achieving Andrew Ridgley Status

George Michael announced recently that he is quitting pop music. Huh? Because, you know, he is tired from promoting all of those hit records he made in the past few years. Who knew he still was in the business?

You will recall that his career took a turn of sorts when he got caught playing with his trumpet in band.

When asked what he would do next, Michael replied that he would tour all of the bathrooms in Southern California.

Trade Bait

Today, the Washington Cold released DC-Giant from his contract to allow him to sign with the Washington Feeling Normal Again.

However, his stay with the Feeling Normal Again is expected to be brief. The salary cap will force the Feeling Normal Again to trade DC-Giant to the Washington Allergies in late March or early April.

Sports Transactions

Washington Cold/Flu - Signed DC-Giant to a second 10-day contract.

I Love My Job

The Post had a front page article Friday about bloggers who have been fired after they were critical of their places of employment, even if they never name the company or their colleagues.

The article warned that people often think that their blogs are anonymous, but that companies always seem to find out sooner or later, particularly through search engines.

The moral of the story is be very caref

Please Berate Me, It's an Emergency

Perhaps you heard the recent story about the 911 operator in Cincinnati who took a call about an attack on a girl by a pitbull.

After she was told the dog was a pitbull, the operator muttered under her breath, "Stupid people."

Funny thing is that I don't think people questioned the veracity of the statement, just the timing of it. Next time, maybe it would be best to hang up before speaking the truth.

Next On a Very Special OTP

Not to do a Seinfeld (Did you ever notice...), but when doing the suburbia thing shopping at Target this weekend, I noticed that the set up of their health section doubles as a public service announcement.

In the next aisle over from the condoms are the baby products. It's as if Target is saying, 'If you don't pick up these, you'll be spending a ton of money over here.'

Speaking of Target, I'd like to know who is in charge of breaking the left front wheel of every fucking shopping cart in the store. That guy should be fired.

Every single god damn time. Maybe it's a vast right-wheel conspiracy.

Iraq 2: Electric Boogaloo

If the Shrub uses the same criteria he did to justify the war with Iraq, I suspect that we then should be invading North Korea any time now.

Although one wonders if the Iraq war would have been as highly acclaimed as it was, had it been published under it’s original title, “Oil, What is it Good For?”

Not only do they have nuclear weapons, which is the biggest, fucking, most obvious WMD of all, but North Korea is advertising it to everyone who will listen. No need to wait for a report by the weapons inspectors; no need to manufacture evidence; no need for Condi to display a vial of nuclear waste in front of the U.N. This is as open and shut as it gets.

So let’s go Shrub.

Re-Upping with the Catholics

My wife recently experienced a crisis of faith after her parish wouldn’t allow us to name god parents who aren’t Catholic. Some other issues were bothering her prior to this particular event, but this represented the proverbial last straw, so she decided to become a free agent.

Just like any free agent, she was looking for certain things when she visited other religions: a large signing bonus; a limited no-trade clause; luxury box seating for services; a percentage of the Sunday collection plate; a luxury hotel suite on the road; and a daily meal stipend.

The Methodists made a very strong offer, but my wife ultimately decided to re-sign with the Catholics after talking with the pastor at her church, who suggested we take advantage of some loopholes.

Today (Ash Wednesday) will be her first game since re-signing. If she had thought about it, she would have waited until after lent to re-sign, so that she wouldn't have to sacrifice anything. However, no one likes drawn-out contract negotiations.

Too bad we aren’t the Kennedy’s, otherwise we could have just donated a shit-load of money and solved the problem that way. Us philistines require a little more creativity.

Big Slick

Ever since my poker game went to a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament style, I have finished in the money in every tournament except for two.

The first time it happened I called an all-in bet with Big Slick (Ace-King) and the other person had King-Jack. That person caught a Jack on the river and I got screwed. Still, with Big Slick, it was the correct play, so I can’t complain too much. As is often said at the table – that’s poker.

The second time occurred this past weekend in a pre-Super Bowl game when I finished fourth in the first tournament. I recovered and won the second tournament, so ended up ahead for the day.

I watch way too much poker on TV, but I think it has had the benefit of making me a better player. Obviously, luck plays a key role as well. There have been plenty of times when I have gone all-in with a weak hand only to get a fluke, lucky card on the river. Respect that luck, stay humble, and play on.

I have been urged to play in a higher-stakes game ($200-$500 buy-ins), but have refrained. An addictive gene runs in my family, so I have a healthy respect for anything that might activate that gene.

Poker ended around kick-off, which is too bad. I would have preferred to play more poker than watch the Super Bowl, and that was confirmed after the game. It seems everything about the Super Bowl this year was blah – the location (Jacksonville), the commercials, and the game itself.

Despite the close score, there was very little sense of excitement.

I guess I was supposed to be moved about the commercial with people in the airport applauding troops walking through the terminal and the message ‘Thank You’ coming up on the screen. The message should have read ‘We feel bad for you’ because you are fighting in a war in which you shouldn’t be fighting and dying unnecessarily.

Gas prices have risen 7 cents in the last two weeks. Couldn't even get that part right.

Oh We’re Giving Them the Finger Alright

One of the hokiest and dumbest displays during the State of the Union address was Members of Congress holding up an index finger dipped in purple ink to honor those who voted in Iraq’s first democratic election.

What a load of shit.

That’s not the reason the Shrub went into Iraq. People should have dipped their heads into a barrel of crude oil. That’s what Iraq really is about. Better yet, the Shrub should have stuck is you-know-what up Saddam’s ass because that’s what the war REALLY is about.

No Third Wheel

My wife and I went out to dinner to celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary. At one point, I gazed into her eyes and said, “Can you pass me the burp cloth?”

We easily could have hired a babysitter for the evening, but decided to celebrate with our son because illness and weather had prevented us from having normal, decent weekends throughout January. So, it was nice to have the three of us spending time together and having fun.

One thing my wife and I noticed about shopping for anniversary cards is that it is tough to find ones that strike the right balance between ‘Oh honey, I love you so much’ (The Lifetime Channel collection), and ‘Fuck off and die’ (The OJ Simpson and Robert Blake collection). We need something that is a little sarcastic and funny without being too acerbic.

So our anniversary celebration consisted of a romantic dinner at Red, Hot & Blue, with us wiping our fingers of barbecue sauce and our son’s mouth of drool.

The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today…

The First of Many, Next is Wrapping Paper

If you need a chocolate fix, please consider buying a See's chocolate bar from me. Proceeds from the sale go toward my son's day care center for purchasing supplies. They are $1.50 each and come in the four varieties:

* Milk chocolate
* Milk chocolate with almonds
* Milk chocolate with toffee nuggets
* Dark chocolate with almonds

Consider buying an entire box ($36) which has 24 bars, 6 of each flavor. Come by my office or, if you are too busy, or wish not to come near our scary-looking section, I do offer free delivery up to an eight-floor radius.

Although It Would Make a Great Workout

The Shrub is known for giving short speeches. It helps when you have a very limited vocabulary.

It’s now February, so it’s time to make a new year’s resolution. I resolve not to go on a multi-red-state killing spree.

Shock and Awe

Yet another article in the Post today about how real estate prices in Washington are skyrocketing, and how that has impacted property taxes and affordability.

Just to give you an idea how distorted the market is, my wife and I used to live in a one-bedroom apartment in the Cleveland Park neighborhood of DC. An identical one-bedroom unit one floor up from our old apartment recently sold for over $330,000. That’s just sick. It went for that much because the neighborhood is very desirable and the building is very close to Metro.

It’s funny to hear stories about people who desperately want to live in certain neighborhoods bid up crappy houses to ridiculous amounts just to get a certain zip code. It’s amusing because people do this not because of good schools or services or anything like that, but to be able to tell people they live in Cleveland Park, Chevy Chase, Bethesda, or McLean. Granted, if I had unlimited means, I certainly would look at houses in the decent areas in DC, but would refrain from overbidding for a dump.

There are certain areas in the Maryland suburbs that insist on being called Potomac or North Bethesda even though they are located in Rockville, a charm-less, strip mall haven. People want so badly to be uppity that they end up looking ridiculous and it’s fun to tweak them by telling them they are in Rockville. Hey, there is a cool REM song about Rockville, how bad could it be?

Meanwhile, I continue to enjoy living in our quaint little colonial in East Bethesda.