Joey, Have You Ever Been in a Turkish Prison?

With all the recent discussions about the possibility that Abraham Lincoln may have been gay, children’s books on the 16th president’s life have been revised to reflect his new status:

Gay-braham Lincoln was born February 12, Gay-teen oh-nine in a small, but tastefully furnished log cabin, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

By the time he was 17, he knew that he wanted to be a lawyer, and a part-time interior decorator. He would walk miles to town to watch lawyers work, and to buy some kick-ass fabric.

When he was a surveyor, he tried always to be accurate with everyone’s, ahem, measurements.

He was elected to the Illinois Legislature where he became very friendly with all the pages. He tired of the pages in Illinois, so he ran for the U.S. Senate, but lost.

He became president in 1861, freed the slaves, and won the Civil War.

He was shot and killed by his raging, jealous lover, who was an actor, in 1865.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, there is something wrong with getting shot and killed, but there’s nothing wrong with having a raging, jealous lover. Okay, there is something wrong if the lover is raging and jealous.