You Can Check Out Anytime You Like

Here is another blue state/red state diatribe that made its way around the web, supposedly from an unknown author in California. Always enjoyable.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

The San Francisco Treat

In my review of potential Republican presidential candidates, I neglected to include Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Wow, it boggles the mind when thinking about how brilliant, gifted, and talented she used to be, and to see what has happened since. Like Bill Frist, she threw away all of her gifts in the name of ideology, and it’s really sad because there was incredible hope for her.

If she were elected, she would take care of three ‘first’ categories for presidents all in one shot. She would become the first woman president; she would become the first African-American president; and she would become the first lesbian president.

Earlier and Oftener

Now it’s time for OTP’s review of possible Democratic presidential candidates.

Hillary (New York or Arkansas or Illinois): Not many politicians can reach the status of being known by just one name, but she has managed to do it because she’s such a polarizing figure. Not sure why white men get all lathered up about her. So what is it, Hungary Man? She’s definitely tougher than a bunch of the fake-tough Republican pussies in the Senate.

Speaking of one-named women, if Beyonce were to run, I would jump all over her candidacy. I also literally would jump all over Beyonce.

Sen. John Kerry (Massachusetts): Been there, done that. What a wretched candidate. Just go away already.

John Edwards (North Carolina): He moves his mouth too much when he speaks. What’s up with that? It’s like he’s trying really hard to fake that southern accent. If you call him at 3am and wake him up, he would sound just like everyone else.

Sen. Joe Biden (Delaware): A very eloquent speaker. As long as he sticks to his own speeches, he might have a shot.

Sen. Evan Bayh (Indiana): (Pronounced BY). I’ve decided that this guy really is annoying. I think he loves to hear himself talk. I know most politicians are like that, but Bayh seems to take it to another level. He’s John Edwards without the intelligence or charm. He’s the Democratic version of the Shrub, which means, say hello to our next president. I ain’t BAYHing it.

Sen. Russ Feingold (Wisconsin): Makes Al Gore look animated and exciting. He needs to remove whatever has been shoved up his ass in order to make any kind of impact.

Gov. Bill Richardson (New Mexico): A very intriguing candidate, I must say. He is bright and has an extensive background on domestic and foreign policy issues. If he turns out to be an excellent candidate, I’m sure the Democrats will find a way to fuck it up.

Gov. Mark Warner (Virginia): Any time a Democrat wins a governors race in the South, he or she automatically vaults on to presidential candidate lists. He actually appears to be a worthy candidate, so far. Warner also reminds me a little of Bill Clinton in that he seems to want to be more liberal than being in a shit-hole of a state allows him to be. How would he hold up under the intense glare of a national race?

Gov. Tom Vilsack (Iowa): Who? Exactly. Of course, the same was said about Jimmy Carter.

Early and Often

It’s not too early to start thinking about, and handicapping, the 2008 presidential campaign. Here is an early OTP look at some of the rumored candidates. I will start with Republicans.

The Shrub: The dumshit didn’t really win the 2000 election, so he could make a case that the constitutional term limit for president does not apply to him.

Sen. John McCain (Arizona): Every Democrat’s favorite Republican. I have to admit that he’s a favorite of mine as well, even though I probably disagree with him on a lot of issues. He is someone who hasn’t allowed ideology and empty rhetoric interfere with his intellect (like me). The same could be said for …

Sen. Chuck Hagel (Nebraska): Stop the presses boys and girls, this is a Republican that DC-Giant actually could vote for, depending on the Democratic nominee. You should read this guy’s bio, he’s pretty fucking cool and brilliant. I’m sure he looks at his Senate Republican colleagues once-in-a-while, and thinks, “What a bunch of morons.” Unfortunately, he’s not Nazi enough to survive the dumbshit wacko Republican primary voters.

Sen. George Allen (Virginia): Makes the Shrub look like a god damn Mensa-member.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (Tennessee): Perhaps one of the biggest Senate disappointments in history. He was a brilliant heart surgeon who had the potential of being a McCain or Hagel, but he got so punch-drunk in love with running for president that he allowed his brilliance to dissipate. Lost what little respect I had left for him when he attempted to make a diagnosis on Terry Schiavo by video tape, then claimed that he really wasn’t trying to do that. So, not only did he lose his brain, he lost his spine too.

Gov. George Pataki (New York): Sorry, George, when people think about a Republican for New York, they always long for …

Rudy Giuliani: Tough on crime and liberal on social issues – what’s not to like about that? He too wouldn’t survive the Nazi Republican primary voters.

Soon, I will examine the Democratic field. Because Democrats are unorganized, it might take me some time.

Come Again When You Can't Stay So Long

The Travel section in last Sunday’s Post featured houseguest horror stories, or Guestzillas. The timing of this feature was particularly appropriate, considering that we hosted two families on consecutive weekends this month.

One was Hungary Man, an old friend who has become a serial commenter to this blog, which pisses me off because he’s infinitely funnier than me. He visited along with his wife and three kids.

The other was a friend from my Bay Area days, who we will call Emporium Jewelry Girl. She visited with her husband and their four-year old girl.

I’m happy to report that neither of their stays would come close to qualifying for the Travel section article, in fact, the opposite would be the case.

EJ Girl’s family made dinner, sprung for a nice lunch, and bought a nice toy for my now 16-month old son. One night EJ Girl’s husband cleaned my kitchen, made a little repair to the dishwasher, and later, poured me a glass of scotch. I proposed right then and there. Fucking anti-gay marriage laws.

Hungary Man generously bought us dinner the two nights they stayed and were great guests despite the stress surrounding their visit. They were in transition, uprooting and moving from the South to the North. Try doing that with three kids, including a 19-month old.

Lollygaggers

I regret to inform you that my baseball team lost its championship game yesterday 13-8 in 10 innings, the second straight season in which we lost the final game. We came back from two runs down in the bottom of the 9th to tie it at 6-6, and actually had a chance to win it with a runner on third with two outs, but couldn’t convert. I was one of the batters at the plate with a chance to win it, but I was hit by a pitch; of all times to have that happen.

I pitched very well, only giving up two runs (one earned) in five innings, but the guy who followed me just got tired. He also pitches in a league in the middle of the week, so he just ran out of gas and gave up 7 runs in the 10th inning. I don’t know how he is able to pitch in both leagues because it is very stressful on the arm.

Like the rest of the team, I didn’t have a good day at the plate. I went 2-for-5, but didn’t hit the ball hard. We reverted back to our old habits in that we weren’t patient against very hittable pitching.

Despite the loss, it was a good season having advanced in the playoffs and thus playing the maximum number of games. The team takes the summer season off and resumes in the fall when we'll be tanned, rested, and ready.

The Savoy Special

A glorious weekend of baseball as the team won two games to advance to the division championship game with 18-5 and 6-3 victories. No standings, or statistics, are kept in the Ponce de Leon League, so all teams are eligible for the single-elimination playoffs at the end of the season.

Considering how we played this season, I didn’t give us much of a shot of winning a playoff game, let alone making it all the way to the final, but we finally managed to put everything together this weekend. Winning means being able to play more games, and after all the rainouts we had this season, I was quite pleased by the team advancing.

I finally put everything together too, pitching and hitting very well. I gave up 2 runs in 4 innings on Saturday, and 2 runs in 3 innings on Sunday. Having thrown 7 innings this weekend, it will be interesting to see how much is left in my arm next week.

At the plate, I crushed the ball going 4-for-5 with two doubles in the gap on Saturday, and 3-for-4 on Sunday. The tuning fork in my loins went off when I hit those two doubles on Saturday. It’s like crushing a 300-yard drive straight down the middle. Not sure why I compared it to that since I don’t know what that feels like.

It’s gotta be the ‘roids, but I’m not here to talk about the past.

So, You Were Going To Be a Gymnast?

Please note the caption.



Let this be a lesson to all you reporters out there - don't forget to sleep with your producers every once-in-a-while to prevent something like this from happening to you.

Where da White Women At?

I am incensed over DNC Chairman Howard Dean’s recent remarks about Republicans, particularly when he stated, “It’s pretty much a white, christian party.”

It’s a completely inaccurate characterization because Republicans actually are pretty much a white, christian, wacko, Nazi party. I wish Dean would have gotten it right. If he is going to be one of the leaders of the Democratic party, the least he could do is described Republicans more accurately. Jeez.

Look at all these other Democratic wusses who have reacted nervously to Dean’s rhetoric. They can fuck off. Get a fucking backbone and join the fight. The solution isn’t going to be to start acting like Republicans. Besides, there is nobody left to oppress because Republicans has everyone covered already.

Lieberman said the comment was “way over the top.” Of course Lieberman would think that because he might as well be a fucking Republican.

Hillary just shrugged when she was asked, but that’s because she’s probably running for President, so she can’t be incendiary yet. However, I think she agrees with Dean, so I’ll give her a pass for now.

Former vice-presidential candidate John Edwards said he didn’t agree with the statement. He’s such a god damn blow-dried phony. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror John and make yourself useful.

Grass on the Infield

Last Friday, the day care center for DC-Giant 2.0 was closed so I stayed home with him and did what any father would do - took him somewhere to use as a prop to get hot women to talk to us.

Unfortunately, school was out, so all we saw was a bunch of chirpy high school girls. An innocent little adulterous outing was transformed into a potential statutory rape charge. No one needs that on their permanent record.

Speaking of baseball, my game on Sunday was cancelled because of inclement field, so I'll spare you from tales of my on-field miscues.

How about them Nats?! They probably won't be able to sustain this nice little run they are having, but it's a nice little story and we should enjoy it while we can.

Hmmm, look at this – vacations to Aruba suddenly became cheap.

IRBW Weather

Air-conditioner season has arrived in Washington. Fortunately, they are stationary, so they’re easy to find.

Turning on the air conditioner at the beginning of the season in the Giant house always is a source of trepidation because it’s an old system that needs to be replaced soon. I fear that after firing it up, there would be a loud bang followed by silence, resutling in us sweating like:

--a whore in church
--Tom DeLay at an ethics seminar
--the Shrub at a reading is fundamental class
--the Shrub during an IQ test
--Michael Jackson at a cub scout convention

Eating Crackers

Anna Kournikova is hot, I agree. I also agree with the widely held view that the likes of Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Angelina Jolie, Heather Graham, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Eva Longoria are hot.

However, there are other celebrity women that many consider hot, that I just don’t see. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Very attractive, sure, but I don’t feel it, so-to-speak. Kate Hudson? Nothing. Charlize Theron? Doesn’t register. Catherine Zeta-Jones? No thanks. I want to think Jennifer Garner is hot, but she’s got this horse-mouth thing going. I want so badly to feel that Cameron Diaz is brutally hot, but sadly, I’m not feeling it.

I think Ellen Pompeo (Grey’s Anatomy, Old School) is hot, but a female colleague of mine described her as being very average looking. However, this female colleague also said that Patrick Dempsey is hot, but he’s not nearly as dreamy as Tobey Maguire. Ooops, did that slip out?

That brings us to Paris Hilton. I agree with Auntie M that she’s not that attractive. However, I think she won some admirers when that infamous sex video was leaked over the Internet. You have to give her some credit because she has presented this image of being a celebrity sex pot and this video provided solid evidence to support it. She proved that she is no phony when it comes to being a sex kitten and men appreciate that.

So, the message to all you girls out there is don’t be a tease, be a real slut.

Take That to the Ernie Banks

I had the pleasure of playing a double-header this weekend. The team had a lot of rainouts this spring season, so the league scheduled a DH to make up some games. We split the games, taking the first and losing the second. Everyone was exhausted during the second game, but it’s the kind of exhaustion that’s accompanied by the exhilaration of playing baseball.

I had a great day at the plate, going 3-for-4 in the first game, and 4-for-5 in the second game. I’m finally feeling comfortable at the plate and, of course, the last game of the season is next week.

My exhausted teammates were not able to provide much run support or defense when I pitched the second game, and I didn’t help matters by not locating my pitches very well. Still, I only gave up three earned runs in five innings, which ain’t too shabby for this rec league.

Bless my wife for not protesting the DH as it meant she was in charge of our 15-month old for six plus hours. One of the many reasons why she is the best is that she fully supports by baseball habit because, according to her, I glow with happiness after I’ve played a game.

As the great philosopher Annie Savoy from ‘Bull Durham’ said:

“I believe in the church of baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones … And, the only church that feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the church of baseball.”