Friday, June 24, 2005

Earlier and Oftener

Now it’s time for OTP’s review of possible Democratic presidential candidates.

Hillary (New York or Arkansas or Illinois): Not many politicians can reach the status of being known by just one name, but she has managed to do it because she’s such a polarizing figure. Not sure why white men get all lathered up about her. So what is it, Hungary Man? She’s definitely tougher than a bunch of the fake-tough Republican pussies in the Senate.

Speaking of one-named women, if Beyonce were to run, I would jump all over her candidacy. I also literally would jump all over Beyonce.

Sen. John Kerry (Massachusetts): Been there, done that. What a wretched candidate. Just go away already.

John Edwards (North Carolina): He moves his mouth too much when he speaks. What’s up with that? It’s like he’s trying really hard to fake that southern accent. If you call him at 3am and wake him up, he would sound just like everyone else.

Sen. Joe Biden (Delaware): A very eloquent speaker. As long as he sticks to his own speeches, he might have a shot.

Sen. Evan Bayh (Indiana): (Pronounced BY). I’ve decided that this guy really is annoying. I think he loves to hear himself talk. I know most politicians are like that, but Bayh seems to take it to another level. He’s John Edwards without the intelligence or charm. He’s the Democratic version of the Shrub, which means, say hello to our next president. I ain’t BAYHing it.

Sen. Russ Feingold (Wisconsin): Makes Al Gore look animated and exciting. He needs to remove whatever has been shoved up his ass in order to make any kind of impact.

Gov. Bill Richardson (New Mexico): A very intriguing candidate, I must say. He is bright and has an extensive background on domestic and foreign policy issues. If he turns out to be an excellent candidate, I’m sure the Democrats will find a way to fuck it up.

Gov. Mark Warner (Virginia): Any time a Democrat wins a governors race in the South, he or she automatically vaults on to presidential candidate lists. He actually appears to be a worthy candidate, so far. Warner also reminds me a little of Bill Clinton in that he seems to want to be more liberal than being in a shit-hole of a state allows him to be. How would he hold up under the intense glare of a national race?

Gov. Tom Vilsack (Iowa): Who? Exactly. Of course, the same was said about Jimmy Carter.


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