The Slow and The Slightly Annoyed

DC-Giant v2.0 spit up milk and Cheerios in the car recently and the scent had permeated the car. We tried lots of things to try to get rid of the smell, but nothing worked. Well, we found a way or, should I say, a way was found for us.

I was driving out of a Metro parking lot last weekend with v2.0 in the back when another car broad-sided us. I had the right-of-way because I was on the main road that leads in and out of the parking lot. The woman driving the other car was coming out of one of the aisles, wasn't paying attention and crashed into us. The force of the collision tipped our car onto the side.

Mrs. Giant, who was in another car, heard the impact and looked up just in time to see the car tip over. She ran over to the car screaming, sure that she lost us both. Through the miracle of seat-belt use, a child car seat, the side-impact rating of our car, and the actions of a bystander and Montgomery County first responders, we were able to walk away from the accident with just a couple scratches.

As the car was tipping over, all I could think about was my boy in the back. He understandably started to cry. I was fine, so I made reassuring comments to him to help calm him down. Mrs. Giant was screaming outside, so I kept shouting "We're okay, we're okay!" An African-American boy aged 12-14 ran over when he heard the screams. He climbed into the car, unstrapped my boy and handed him over to Mrs. Giant. Seeing my boy in his mother's arms did more for my well-being than anything else.

Once it was determined that there were no leaks, I wanted to climb out, but was urged strongly not to do it. The firefighters on the scene asserted that they were required not to allow it. One firefighter climbed into the car to feel me up to check for broken bones. Too bad I'm not gay, otherwise I would've have gotten at least something out of the ordeal. He then threw some tarp over me, so no debris would hit me while they sawed off the roof of my car.

While a bit unnerving, I was calm throughout the sawing process because I knew my son was fine, and I was not hurt at all, save for some cuts on my hand. Finally, the roof came off, they unhooked my seat belt, I crawled out, and walked away. I initially declined medical treatment until I saw the look on Mrs. Giant's face when she heard me say that.

I'm sure you can guess the moral of the story, given that we were able to walk away from such an accident. It's been stated millions of times. The moral is don't fill up your car with gas, and renew its registration right before you get into an accident that totals the car. You're just wasting your money.

If You Don't Get It, You Don't Get It

Wow, 81 points. Looks like Kobe has found himself a new white woman to force himself upon.

For other news, let's go to OTP's Beltway Briefs correspondent.

· The Shrub often argues that he is attempting to spread democracy around the world by fighting terrorism. He is torturing prisoners and spying on his own citizens. There already are a lot of “democracies” like that around the world, so no need to continue with that effort. In fact, didn’t he just topple that kind of “democracy” in Iraq a few years ago.

· Sadly, my 49ers are not in the Super Bowl this year. I was hoping that they would get an at-large bid into the tournament based on their strength of schedule, but apparently the selection committee didn’t think their RPI was high enough.

· Not sure how to approach a job search. Do I need market myself as an expert on certain issues, or sell myself as a generalist and jump at anything at moves, which was sort of like my approach to dating. If you saw Mrs. Giant, you would know that I really lucked out on that front. But, could lightning strike twice?

Friends of Bill

We’re back from a quick trip to the in-laws to celebrate a birthday. It’s a long drive to the ends of the earth, but it’s always an enjoyable time and it doesn’t hurt to score some points with the family.

I don’t want to say that it’s in the middle of nowhere, but when you activate a GPS device in the area, it either reads ‘Does not compute’ or ‘You have our sympathies.’

I’m not allowed to venture out alone without being accompanied by a local, particularly in the town where my sister-in-law lives. If I’m ever captured by locals, I’ve been instructed to invoke the name of my brother-in-law who is well connected in the area. It would be helpful if he issued ID cards, so that I could just flash it if I sense trouble coming.

You're An Eight

Men are very good at telling the same jokes repeatedly. Ask Mrs. Giant. This is no different during trips to the urinal at my office where we always seem compelled to utter some silly statement in order to lessen the awkwardness of standing next to someone while we both shake the dew off our lilies.

One department head in my company always says, “All roads lead to Rome, huh?”

Another person is known for always commenting, “So, this is where all the dicks hang out.”

Finally, there always is this classic:
First guy at urinal: “Water’s cold.”
Second guy: “And deep.”

Paging James Westphal and Dr. Kenneth Nosewater

As if figuring out the keys to a successful marriage isn’t confusing enough, the Health section in today’s Post merely obfuscates things further.

First, one article mentions that one way to have cuts heal more quickly is to reduce marital hostility; the article also promotes exercise as another method. It makes complete sense that physical and mental well-being helps wounds heal more quickly.

However, the article adjacent to it tells the story of happily married couples who sleep in separate beds, or even separate room. The article claims that these couples still love each other, still do the no-pants dance, but maintain separate sleeping areas for a variety of reasons – different schedules, snoring, kicking, etc.

Just when I thought I had it all figured out. Speaking of reducing marital discord, I gotta run and put gas in the car.

We'll Pass Thanks

If the attendance figures for Friday night’s Caps game vs. Philadelphia seem a little inflated it’s because there always are a lot of Flyers fans that go to the game. Plus, the Caps minor league team, the Hershey Bears, ran a promotion for their season-ticket holders that included a bus ride plus tickets to the game.

After the game, Hershey fans commented that there was no discernable difference between the talent in Hershey and Washington. Some burned their jerseys and immediately petitioned that the Hershey franchise terminate their affiliation with the Caps and see if they could go back to being affiliated with the Colorado Avalanche.

We took DC-Giant v2.0 to yesterday’s game vs. Florida and he was great. He managed to get the attention of a group of young women who were acting as cheerleaders during the game. It was unclear whether they were acting in an official capacity, although you’re probably thinking ‘Who cares?’ The guys in our section were intrigued by the cheerleaders until one noticed that they were sponsored by the Washington Free Clinic.

Alas, No Kate Kelly

There’s a nifty little web site that dishes on gossip and rumors about the media outlets in the Washington-Baltimore area, reporting on such things as radio format changes, and the hiring/firing of news anchors.

At the end of the year, the site asks readers to submit the best/worst shows and/or developments during the past year. While I did not offer my opinions, here is what I would have submitted.

Best
· Tony Kornheiser radio show on WTEM-980AM. It’s so very funny, providing everything you want from a radio talk show – sports, current events, pop culture.
· PTI on ESPN.
· Most things involving the news on Channel 4 since it is the only local news I watch. Although, I could do without Barbara Harrison (vacuous and completely unwatchable) and sports anchor George Michael (pronounce a fucking name correctly for once, dumbass). I can't decide if Lindsay Czarniak is hot and knows sports, or is just a good reader.
· Traffic on the 8’s on WTOP-1500AM. It has saved me several times.
· NPR Morning Edition.
· Junkies moving to drive time on WJFK-106.7 FM, except for the Nazi one (EB?). He isn’t smart enough to debate politics so he just screams, thinking that it will come across as informed. When this doesn’t work, he starts waving the flag. Most Republicans are like this.
· RCN Cable. I actually like my cable company, particularly after they became the first cable company in the DC-area to carry Nats games.

Worst
· Elliot Segal on DC-101. So incredibly annoying. Could his listeners really be that stupid?
· John Thompson on WTEM. God, he is so awful. Can’t change the station quickly enough when I hear him.
· WTEM-980 in general, except for Kornheiser and maybe the Sports Reporters at 5pm. Just a horrible excuse for a sports radio station.