Alexis Itznot

The trend toward more fuel-efficient vehicles is getting a little out of hand. The other day, a person of mixed-race insisted on being called a hybrid-American.

It’s too bad that viruses came along before cars because they took up a lot of the good names. Otherwise, we could be driving a Subaru Influenza today. Perhaps the Chevy Ebola. The Ford Hanta could have been the Central American version of the Focus.

You might recall that I was scoping out potential mid-life crisis cars. I wanted to avoid looking like a complete schmo by getting a chick car, or something that would make people laugh at me, like a red Corvette. I think I’ve decided on one – a white Volkswagen Cabriolet.

What?

Here is a joke that was e-mailed to me recently.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

" Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything"

Plan A Wasn't Too Happy About It Either

FDA Commissioner Lester Crawford has resigned after just two months on the job.

I don't see why. Let's see, he fucked up the handling of the Vioxx controversy (By golly, Vioxx is killing people, maybe we should think about taking it off the market), and the Plan B emergency contraceptive, or the so-called 'morning-after pill.'

Studies have shown that the Plan B pill was successful in terminating FDA Commissioners.

Can We Give Texas Back to Mexico After Rita?

Below (beginning with the bold title) is a news story that has been circulating from the highly enjoyable web site bsnews.org.

The post-Katrina fuel surcharges that many service companies have added to their bills this summer is getting a little out of hand. First the pizza delivery people, which does make some sense.

Now, my pest control guy tacked on a fuel surcharge during his latest regular visit. I should just cancel the service. It’s not like his stuff is working because I still see Republicans.

I finally had enough when a peanut vendor at RFK stadium imposed a fuel surcharge at the Nats game yesterday.

After New Orleans is rebuilt, you can bet that the first time a thunderstorm is forecasted for that city, the government response is going to be akin to the next Berlin airlift.

Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French

BATON ROUGE, LA. – The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

“This is a bold step forward for America,” said Bush. “And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Shiraq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash.”

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

“Jack understands full well that this one’s a ‘fixer upper,’” said Bush. “He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they’ve got a lot of work to do. But Jack’s assured me, if it’s not right, they’re going to fix it.”

The move has been met with incredulity from the already beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

“Shuba-pie!” said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. “Frafer-perly yom kom drabby sham!”

However, President Bush’s decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

“This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. “Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we’ve just made 25 million dollars in pure profit.”

“This is indeed a smart move,” commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. “Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we’ve made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again.”

The money gained from 'The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped back into the rebuilding of Iraq.

Root Root Root For The Beer Vendor

Mixed emotions about going to the Giants-Nats game yesterday. I grew up a Giants fan, but I’ve adopted the scrappy and over-achieving Nats. Plus, it’s nice to have a baseball team in Washington, DC.

Perhaps the most significant euphoric moment at yesterday’s game was when a beer vendor asked for my ID. I was a little stunned and kind of fumbled for my license because the woman’s tone was kind of stern.

I joked that she was attempting to flatter me. She laughed, but not until after she saw my birth date; I didn’t think that was necessary.

My hat must have hid the gray hair, but I’m not sure what might have been hiding my wrinkles. Maybe she had sight issues.

Church of the Poison Mind

The shine and buzz from all the excitement of the Washington Nationals’ inaugural season has subsided a bit, and sadly it has nothing to do with the team falling out of the wild card race. Rookie outfielder Ryan Church made comments over the weekend suggesting that Jews are headed for eternal damnation.

In a Post article about religion in the Nats clubhouse, Church said he asked a volunteer chaplain for advice about his former girlfriend, who is Jewish.

“I said, like, Jewish people, they don’t believe in Jesus. Does that mean they’re doomed? [The chaplain] nodded, like, that’s what it meant. My ex-girlfriend! I was like, man, if they only knew. Other religions don’t know any better. It’s up to us to spread the word,” Church said.

Um, like, you’re an ignorant dumbass, man. When did the Nats change the color of their shirts to brown? It must be difficult to play baseball wearing a white hood.

If you any comments to this, please send them to the following address:

1-2 Therza Drive
Deep to Left, Gone

Shoot, I Had the 49ers and 38 Points

While at a sports apparel store over the weekend, I came across a couple nice Giants and 49ers t-shirts that were marked way down. The only good thing about the times when your teams suck is that you can find their apparel on the clearance rack.

Despite being 14 years removed from the Bay Area, I held my allegiances to the Giants and the 49ers. I was disappointed to find out recently that a high school friend of mine switched from the Giants to the Padres since living in San Diego.

There’s this other guy I know who can’t decide on favorite teams – Falcons, Bears, Carolina Panthers, UVA, Dukies, Tar Heels. Jeez, make up your mind, already. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts screaming about the Eagles soon.

Call The Cops, It's Already Out There

It’s funny seeing actor and former Senator Fred Thompson (R-TN) caddying John Roberts around Capitol Hill during his confirmation process.

Thompson is such a buffoon. All he did when he was a Senator was date blondes that were half his age.

Wait. Did I just imply that there's something wrong with that?

Oh Dear What Could The Matter Be?

Let's get an update from OTP's correspondent in New Orleans on the Shrub Administration's response to Hurricane Katrina.





Some in Washington have begun to express concern that R. David Paulison does not possess enough experience judging horse shows to be the new acting FEMA director.

In other news, when asked about the recent discussions about Roe v. Wade, the Shrub replied that it didn't matter to him how people got out of New Orleans.

Osama Would Be Proud

Over the weekend, the Pentagon sponsored a march and concert to remember the September 11, 2001 attacks.

Extraordinary measures were taken to control participation. It was closed to anyone who did not register, and the route was blocked off with four-foot high snow fencing in order to keep it “sterile,” said a Pentagon official.

The U.S. Park Police had its entire Washington force of several hundred on duty along the route, on foot, horseback and motorcycles and monitoring from above by helicopter. The Park Police chief said that officers were prepared to arrest anyone who joined the march or concert without a credential and refused to leave.

The media was restricted to three enclosed areas along the route and was not allowed to walk alongside the march participants.

The event was billed as the Freedom Walk.

The Literal Meaning

I never got around to flying a kite when I was a kid. I tried once when I was eight, but was unsuccessful, so I gave up in frustration and never tried again.

Fast-forward thirty years and a kite already in the air is handed over to me by my father-in-law. I'm captivated instantly by the serenity of it, wondering why I allowed it to pass me by. The bright Carolina blue sky and the waves crashing onto the beach I'm standing on complete the portrait.

I'm suddenly eight again. This time the kite is in the air as the sun splashes my face.

The day could have lasted forever.

We're a Little Bit of Rock-and-Roll

If you are wondering why the two previous posts were well-written and funnier than the usual OTP entries, it’s because Hungary Man was guest writer while I was away on holiday.

He was instructed to maintain the spirit of Off The Post, which meant that he was not allowed to be intellectual or profound. Some would argue that the OTP spirit also means not being funny.

The vacation in Hatteras could be summed up thusly: We could have stayed in the beach house until Sunday; we left open the option of leaving on Saturday if we didn’t think we were having the best time; we were ready to leave the day we got there.

The biggest breasts among all the people staying in the beach house belonged to a 400 pound guy who refused to wear a t-shirt the entire week.

Now, there are elements of the red-neck culture that I appreciate. For instance, all the guys were given these things called Bubba Kegs, which are huge insulated mugs that can hold a little over four bottles of beer. Suh-weet!

The adventurous spirit of the red-necked gentleman of leisure is embodied in the following oft-told joke: What are the last two words a red-neck says just before he dies? “Watch this!”

On the opposite side are the man-boobs and the lovers-lament country songs (like there are other kinds) cranked to high volumes at all times. I don’t like any music cranked to high volumes all the time, let alone the maudlin twangy country crap.

To exacerbate matters, I ate way too much while on vacation. Perhaps I was inspired by the man-boobs. You would have thought I was an evacuee from New Orleans. Hopefully I can work it off before I have to be fitted for a mansierre.

Stoned Out of My Mind

It is extremely troubling when two things that taste great separately do NOT taste great together. Such was the case with last night's NFL Kickoff on ABC. As I settled into my favorite leather armchair and fired up the HDTV, libations at the ready, I was distressed (and grossed out) by a hi-def close up of Ron Wood and Keith Richards in all their pockmarked, washed-out, sallow-faced stupor. I was expecting Nicollette Sheridan/TO Chapter 2, you can imagine my disappointment.

Don't get me wrong, the Stones still occupy a place of honor in the pantheon of popular music. And, surprisingly, they still rock. AND, I recognize that Mick Jagger has always been a very savvy promoter and marketer of the Stones and their image. AND I know that Paul McCartney played the Super Bowl last year, so there is a precendent for geriatric rock star tie-ins with Pro Football. AND I am sure the ratings for this program were helped by a glimpse of Mick and the boys shaking their skinny (extremely skinny) butts all over the TV screen. But, it just didn't seem right.

As I found my feet unconsciously tapping to the music, I think I figured out why I was upset. I am getting old. I responded to a calculated celebrity endorsement of my favorite sport, targeted to the 35 and over demographic. Guys like me, sitting alone in their basements watching a TV screen so large it can only fit in one place in the room. Drinking a good glass of syrah and eating cave aged gruyere instead of a cheap canned beer and pretzels.

I disgust me.

I am a shameful disgrace to my generation. I, who would most likely have changed the channel had Green Day or Maroon 5 been the featured band, instead I found myself glued to the screen, being nostalgic for my college days 20 years ago, when the Stones were already past their prime.

Shame on you ABC for forcing me to watch this crap. And shame on me for loving every minute of it. Don't get me started with the Loverboy post.....

When All Else Fails, Put On Side Two of Led Zeppelin IV

Apparently, in the early days of the Shrub 43 Presidency, when the now praised and lamented CJ Rehnquist was being vilified for throwing the tiebreaking vote in the 2000 elections, the Dubster was warned to prepare for the three greatest potential catastrophes to strike the US: 1) a terrorist attack on NY, 2) a hurricane hitting New Orleans, and 3) an earthquake leveling San Francisco.

What are the odds, statistically, of even one of these occurences happening in our lifetime? How about two? If you weren't religious before, its enough to make you invoke the deity of your choice to seek an explanation that makes sense.

With gas prices feeling like Europe, FEMA misdirecting planes full of refugees headed for Charleston, SC to Charleston, WV, and Miami, Virginia Tech, and Boston College diluting the ranks of the ACC, who can be blamed for feeling that the world as we know it is coming to an end? At least the Atlanta Braves are headed for Division title number 14, and the Falcons look well positioned to knock off the Eagles in their home opener.

So sit back, crank up "When the Levee Breaks" on the 8 track, and remember the words of Mike Damone, "I'll have the linguine with clam sauce and a Coke, no ice, and she'll have the same".

Lynne is a Boys Name Too

Sometimes life mixes up its pitches and changes speeds in order to keep us humble. Mrs. Giant faced this pitching this week.

The bad news is that her grandfather passed away. It wasn't entirely unexpected, as he was advanced in age, and seemed to send signals that he was ready for the whistle to blow to call him home.

The great news for Mrs. Giant this week was that she was promoted to Vice President in her company.

She was immediately whisked away to a secret location, and also outfitted with a pacemaker. She also immediately became corrupt and arranged for her company to receive no-bid government contracts. At least I get to benefit personally from all of this.