And That Bitch Anne Murray Too

Whenever someone disagrees with the outcome of a presidential election, the initial knee-jerk reaction is to move out of the country. Canada always is the first choice because of its convenience and the lack of a language barrier, save for Quebec.

An American in Canada wrote Sunday in the Washington Post that, while it may sound good in theory, the reality for her has been an “almost daily confrontation with a powerful anti-Americanism that pervades many aspects of life.” She added that bigotry and xenophobia toward Americans is acceptable and claims that many Canadians are naïve about Americans. For instance, she argued that the ‘Blame Canada’ song from the movie ‘South Park’ represents Americans' real attitudes toward Canada.

Gee, she would prefer to return to America in order to escape bigotry and xenophobia? What the fuck does she think is going on here? Bigotry and xenophobia here is not just reserved for one group, however, it’s directed toward many. We don’t discriminate against discriminating.

The election provided a perfect example of this when voters claimed that moral issues were the most important factor in their decision. The situation in Iraq is worsening, the economy is going into the tank, jobs are being sent overseas, and the budget deficit is exploding, but never mind that shit, we can’t allow gays to marry.

Basically, this author has discovered that it sucks being stereotyped and discriminated against. Well, welcome to the age of enlightenment!

Next Week, It's Barbra Streisand

A school district in a small Texas town was forced to cancel a cross-dressing day, which was a homecoming tradition, after a parent complained about the event's homosexual overtones. The event was convened annually to provide boys and girls a chance to reverse social roles and let older girls invite boys on dates, open doors, and pay for sodas. Who would have thought something so open-minded like this went on somewhere in Texas other than Austin?

Instead, the school district decided to hold a 'camouflage day,' in which everyone would wear black boots and Army gear if they wanted.

Hmmm, so in order to address concerns about homosexual overtones, they decide to substitute cross-dressing for military uniforms. Perhaps the following week, they could encourage people to dress as a priest. I don't mean to suggest that all military personnel or priests are gay, but if you want to stay in the closet, the military and the priesthood provide the best beards.

Maybe they should dress up as the Governors of New Jersey and Texas.

Not As I Do

In 1993, House Republicans passed a conference rule that requires members of their leadership to resign if ever indicted for a felony that carries a prison sentence of at least two years. They passed the measure to demonstrate that they would not tolerate the ethical lapses that they claimed was rampant among the House Democratic leadership.

Well whaddya know, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (Nazi-TX) is about to be indicted for various financial improprieties, so his resignation is imminent.

Wrong. Last week, House Republicans changed the rule so that DeLay would be allowed to retain his leadership post even if he is indicted. It's typical of these sad, hypocritical Republicans.

It is interesting to note that there are more Republican draft dodgers in Congress than Democrats, in number and percentage. So much for being tough and pro-military.

How is this for family values? More Congressional Republicans are divorced than their Democratic counterparts. And they worry about the instability of gay marriages and families. Shoot, the two House Republicans who are gay, Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-AZ) and Rep. Mark Dayton (R-FL), probably are in more stable relationships than their straight colleagues. Oops, Dayton isn't out of the closet. My bad.

The governor of the reddest state of all is gay. Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas), who followed the dumbshit in the White House, was caught in bed (by his wife!) with Texas Secretary of State Geoffrey Connor (it's always the secretary). Divorce papers have been served.

Wow, divorced and gay - they're going to shoot him.

Desperate, But Not Serious

I'm sick of all this backlash about the opening segment for Monday Night Football that featured Nicollette Sheridan dropping her towel, exposing herself to Terrell Owens, and asking him to skip the game for her.

First of all, what's the big deal? Let's all quit being so puritanical. If you watch the show 'Desperate Housewives,' you would have found the skit clever, particularly the quip by Teri Hatcher (yum!) at the end. If you don't like something, change the channel.

Of course, idiotic FCC Chairman Michael Powell had to weigh in on the matter, stating, "I wonder if Walt Disney would be proud?" I wonder if Colin would be proud that his son is such a dumbass?

The only crimes that were committed here was Terrell Owens' ongoing campaign to become as over-exposed as possible, and Nicollette Sheridan's desperate attempt to become relevant.

They Have Pitchforks, What Do We Do?

One father declined to attend a meeting of infant room parents because he joked that he did not want to be near a room full of pissed-off Moms. Who can blame him? As my wife said - Hell hath no fury like a mother-of-a-child scorned.

There is a crisis brewing at my son's day care facility and it's directly related to the actions of the new director. Her communication style with parents and teachers is abrasive and unprofessional. She belittles teachers in front of other teachers and parents, plus she fired a very popular teacher and did not bother to tell any of the parents about the incident that preceded it. Staff morale has plummeted and we are afraid that it might impact our children indirectly.

The infant room parents met this week as a result of this crisis and decided to draft a letter to the center's board of directors outlining our concerns. All parents are attending tomorrow's board of directors meeting to present the letter, which calls for enhanced disclosures and the reinstatement of the teacher that was dismissed. Board meetings usually are staid, pro forma affairs, so it will be interesting to see what transpires. Stay tuned.

No Justice, No Peace!

Seriously

Jerry Falwell (Dumbshit-VA) recently opined, "We've got the hatemongers who literally hate this president, and that is so wrong ... The people who hate George Bush hate him because he's a follower of Jesus Christ, unashamedly says so and applies his faith in his day-to-day operations."

First of all, he does not do anything, so there are no day-to-day operations to which to apply faith. Second, he is not hated because he pretends to be a follower of Jesus Christ, although that could be considered by some to be a character flaw. But the most important reason of all is contained in this campaign ad that did not run in all markets.

Every Day is Old Timers' Day at Pac Bell

Continuing the trend of stocking the roster with players in their mid-30s, San Francisco Giants General Manager Brian Sabean signed 37-year old SS Omar Vizquel to a THREE year contract. Vizquel will be 38 in April and over 40 when this contract expires.

Granted, Vizquel is a significant upgrade at SS compared to what the Giants had last year, Neifi Perez (since released), and Deivi Cruz, but signing a 37-year old to a three year contract at $4 million plus per season? Now it appears that the Giants have over-paid for the left side of the infield - Vizquel and Edgardo Alfonzo. This is going to be one of those contracts that people point to as part of the reason the Giants were unable to pursue high-profile free agents.

P.S., I know it's SBC Park now, but I hate that name.

Serial Killers and Elvis Wolf Babies

One of my faithful readers. Okay, my one faithful reader. Okay, my one reader who checks in infrequently, commented that my blog has transitioned from quaint, cute personal ruminations on sports, Starbucks and child care into an invective filled Drudge Report II.

Everyone in the industry knows that this is the November sweeps period, so sensationalism for the pursuit of higher ratings rules the day. Once the sweeps period is over and the high advertisement rates for my site have been established, I'll go back to the Mr. Rogers/Disney/Michael Powell tone.

My wife is trying to get her family to change their perception of me by sending them the link to this blog. She thinks that her family believes that I'm mild-mannered, even-tempered, and laid-back and that they would be shocked at how "evil, abrasive, and just plain wrong he can be." I think they've been around me enough to know that, while I indeed am mild-mannered, even-tempered, and laid-back, I also am certainly capable of making an obnoxious statement or two. Oh well, as the saying goes, behind every great man, there is a disappointed mother-in-law.

My wife also tweaked me by saying that I make blanket statements about extreme wacko evangelical christians while criticizing others for making similar statements about various races and ethnicities. Well, now they know how it feels because they are the biggest perpetrators of the practice.

Gosh, what do you think would happen if all of them found out that Jesus was black, and not some white mormon girl from Utah? Wait, Michael Jackson wants to become a white mormon girl from Utah. Holy shit, do you think?

Except Daisy Duke, We'll Take Her

The author of this following piece is unknown. Presumably, a New Yorker though. Hey, I didn't write it. I'm simply forwarding something that I thought was clever.


Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

It's Tom (Mr. Hanks if You're Nasty)

It's bad enough that her brother wants to become the Queen of Pop, but now Janet Jackson's boob malfunction during the last Super Bowl may result in book burning in the modern era - TV burning.

Some ABC affiliates have refused to air the movie 'Saving Private Ryan' because they fear that the extreme violence and coarse language could violate the new anti-indecency standards imposed by the FCC after the Super Bowl incident and lead to sanctions. They are refusing to show it, even though they already aired the uncut version of the movie for Veterans Day in 2001 and 2002.

Whoa! This just in - war is harsh and ugly! Who knew?!. Perhaps if more people knew that, we wouldn't be all yippidy about starting them, or maybe we would make sure we would start them against the right enemy.

The Bush Administration and the Republican Congress is full of people who dodged the draft and avoided military service, but who have no qualms in sending other people to fight a war. Draft-Dodger-in-Chief Shrub not only avoided fighting in Vietnam to serve in the National Guard, he even went AWOL from that cushy assignment. All public officials should be this courageous.

This Is An Awfully Prickly Olive Branch

A unifying poem, compliments of a colleague.

The election is over, the results are now known.
The will of the people has clearly been shown.
We should show by our thoughts and our words and our deeds
That unity is just what our country now needs.
Let's all get together. Let bitterness pass.
I'll hug your elephant.
You kiss my ass.

Flush This John

Although he did not meet an untimely, painful death, Josef Mengele, I mean John Ashcroft resigned as Attorney General yesterday to spend more time being an extreme wacko evangelical christian (like there's another kind).

Secretary of Commerce Don Evans also resigned yesterday, but who noticed? Is there anyone more insignificant than the Secretary of Commerce? Basically, it's a cabinet post for dumbasses who somehow are capable of raising a shitload of campaign funds. Not surprisingly, Don Evans is one of the Shrub's closest friends. Dumbass birds of a feather...

The official word from Ashcroft is that he grew weary over the rigors of the job. However, according to administration sources, Ashcroft wanted to stop resisting his urges and begin living a raging homosexual lifestyle. Word is he has his eyes set on Ralph Reed, but that rumor could not be confirmed at press time. Ashcroft believes it is possible to be a gay extreme wacko evangelical christian, as there probably are a lot of closeted ones within the assemblies of god. He intends to form a group called the Log Cabin Extreme Wacko Evangelical Christians.

In his resignation letter to the Shrub, Ashcroft took credit for "stripping away the freedoms and liberty on which this country was based, and for needlessly scaring the shit out of people with faux terrorist alerts."

Possible successors include White House counsel Alberto Gonzales, who would allow Karl Rove to keep him on a short leash, and Larry Thompson, who would become the first Uncle Tom Attorney General.

Don't Rush

CNN must be trying to improve their November sweeps ratings because yesterday, Daryn Kagan crossed her legs at the anchor desk at one point to ensure that her legs were on display.

There are many men who think she is very attractive, but I don't see it. There doesn't appear to be any there there. She removed all doubt of that when she started going out with her current drug-addict boyfriend. They reportedly have been talking seriously about marriage, which is incredibly disgusting. The big drug-addict first has to wait for his fourth divorce to become final. A real family values kinda guy.

My suspicions about CNN were confirmed this morning with Soledad O'Brien's very low neck-line and Farrah Fawcett haircut. Perhaps she's trying to let everyone know that she, in fact, is breast feeding.

Metro Opens Doors To Experiencing Delays in Both Directions

Metro chief executive Richard White has decided to enter the world of delays, derailments, and destruction (and that's just dealing with the station managers) by riding the transit system of which he is in charge. What a novel idea! You would think that would be basic PR 101 - How could he purport to know what Metro riders experience when he doesn't ride himself? Does this mean that GM President and CEO Richard Wagoner Jr. rides the subway?

White claims that his schedule prohibited him from using Metro, and that he decided to begin riding to reconnect with employees and the riders. That's nice of him to come down from the tower and mingle with the peasants.

Granted, many people probably do not use Metro for similar reasons. My wife and I began driving into work when we started bringing our son into a downtown day care facility. Maneuvering a stroller on Metro during rush hour didn't seem like it would be an ideal situation. Unfortunately, we would have driven anyway because it was cheaper to do so after the most recent fare increase.

However, there also are many people who have no choice but to use Metro, regardless of schedule, children, and fare increases. These are the people on the front-line who White has to reconnect with if he is to improve Metro's image.

Karl, Make Sure They Name One After Me

Encouraged by reports that the recent surge in job growth was due in part to repairing extensive hurricane damage, President Bush today commissioned the National Weather Service and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) to study ways to create more hurricanes.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan told reporters today, "This should demonstrate to the American people that this Administration is committed to growing jobs. We identify areas where job growth is occurring and pursue those opportunities aggressively."

NOAA Administrator Navy Vice Admiral Conrad C. Lautenbacher, whose agency also is in charge of the National Weather Service, expressed support for the President's idea and said they would study the idea intently.

Vice Admiral Lautenbacher explained that hurricanes are low pressure areas that form over warm ocean waters, so NOAA would have to study ways to import warm ocean waters or develop a large water-proof generator that would heat the ocean waters off the Atlantic Coast.

Off the record, Vice Admiral Lautenbacher said of the President, "God, what a moron."

The Fountain of Youth

Dejection abounds as my baseball team yesterday lost the Ponce de Leon divisional championship game in the bottom of the ninth inning. We were up by two runs with one out and on the verge of repeating our championship from last season, but the cruel bitches that are the baseball gods intervened and took it away from us.

I was the starting pitcher for the game yesterday, getting off to a rocky start before finding my groove. I ended up giving up 6 runs, 2 earned, in five innings, which is the limit pitchers can throw in the league.

The Ponce de Leon baseball league is a recreational league for men 30 and over. They have 8-10 game seasons in the Spring, Summer, and Fall, and the games are played on the weekends. It's definitely for weekend warriors who wish to relive part of their youth and who think softball is a poor substitution. A five-tool Ponce player can: ground-out, fly-out, get caught steeling, commit a fielding and a throwing error.

The league's motto is, "To Play Baseball Once Again Was To Have Found The Fountain of Youth That Ponce De Leon Had Searched For In Vain."

There were other mottos that were considered, including:

• We Pull More Muscles Before 9am Than Most People Pull Their Whole Lives
• Boosting Monday Sales of Ibuprofen Since 1986
• Where's the Icy Hot?!
• My Hamstring! Ouch, Fuck!

We Don't Have Toilet Paper, But We Have These

Perhaps in retaliation for the re-election of the Shrub, currency markets have driven the dollar to record lows against the euro, and for now, European officials do not intend to intervene to stop the dollar's decline.

The decline has continued throughout the week, despite positive news about the U.S. economy that included a decrease in oil prices and an increase in job growth. However, the U.S. has been borrowing heavily to cover their significant budget and trade deficits that have accumulated over the past four years and currency markets have reacted appropriately. Hmmm, what would the budget deficit look like if it weren't for the stupid war in Iraq?

Bush Administration officials remained unconcerned, declaring that demands for Halliburton, er, U.S. products and services overseas is limitless.

First Bush, Now This Cropp

One of the few things I was looking forward to next year was being able to watch baseball in Washington, and particularly the San Francisco Giants. Now, DC Council Chairwoman Linda Cropp has withdrawn her support for the original deal with MLB to build a new stadium by the Anacostia waterfront, and instead has expressed support for building a stadium adjacent to RFK Stadium. If this proposal passes the Council, the deal will be killed and there would be no baseball in DC.

It's bad enough I have to deal with the fucking Republicans, now this?!

DC political insiders say that Cropp is doing this in order to have any legitimate shot of running for mayor because other potential mayoral candidates adamantly oppose the stadium deal. She's doing this despite her loud, long, shrilly, and annoying speech when the deal was announced a few weeks ago.

The new site won't work because residents in that area don't support it. The Redskins turned down that site in the early 1990s before building out in Landover. Besides, part of the plan to fund the new stadium is the tax revenue that would be generated from the businesses that would be created near the stadium, which mainly would consist of bars and restaurants.

Hopefully, this wretched plan will fall through and the deal will be saved. Otherwise, watch out if I don't have baseball to cushion the blow from the election.

These Say It All

Plus, there was this tragic story that came over the wire yesterday.

BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FIRE

Crawford, Texas-- A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The fire began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.

I'm rooting for the pretzels during the second term.