Flush This John

Although he did not meet an untimely, painful death, Josef Mengele, I mean John Ashcroft resigned as Attorney General yesterday to spend more time being an extreme wacko evangelical christian (like there's another kind).

Secretary of Commerce Don Evans also resigned yesterday, but who noticed? Is there anyone more insignificant than the Secretary of Commerce? Basically, it's a cabinet post for dumbasses who somehow are capable of raising a shitload of campaign funds. Not surprisingly, Don Evans is one of the Shrub's closest friends. Dumbass birds of a feather...

The official word from Ashcroft is that he grew weary over the rigors of the job. However, according to administration sources, Ashcroft wanted to stop resisting his urges and begin living a raging homosexual lifestyle. Word is he has his eyes set on Ralph Reed, but that rumor could not be confirmed at press time. Ashcroft believes it is possible to be a gay extreme wacko evangelical christian, as there probably are a lot of closeted ones within the assemblies of god. He intends to form a group called the Log Cabin Extreme Wacko Evangelical Christians.

In his resignation letter to the Shrub, Ashcroft took credit for "stripping away the freedoms and liberty on which this country was based, and for needlessly scaring the shit out of people with faux terrorist alerts."

Possible successors include White House counsel Alberto Gonzales, who would allow Karl Rove to keep him on a short leash, and Larry Thompson, who would become the first Uncle Tom Attorney General.