Off The Post

Missed It By That Much

2006-06-24T22:01:00.000-04:00

So my wife says to me the other night:

"I'm going to wear (yes?) as little as possible (Yes?!), just in case we (YES?!!!) lose power tonight."

Damn.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904

2006-06-18T21:14:00.000-04:00

Father's Day does not come any more perfect than it did today. It was so perfect that I have come out of semi-retirment to wax poetic about it. There was not a very special event that highlighted the day, but a series of moments that came together to make it very magical.

It began the night before when my wife and I went out on a date. Our son was absolutely giddy when the babysitter arrived, jumping up and down and giggling that there was someone new to show off for. He was pushing us out the door so he could begin his performance. We scooted out and went out for a very nice dinner.

The performance must have tired out v2.0 because he slept three hour passed his usualy waking time. This allowed me to make some coffee and peruse the morning paper before getting ready for my baseball game. The bad part was that I was not able to see him before leaving for my game.

Winning the single-elimination playoff game meant we could play again next weekend and that is exactly what we did, barely 8-7. I had a great game both on the mound and at the plate, so winning was extra satisfying and it continued the good Father's Day vibes.

Over-sleeping did not prevent v2.0 from taking his usual afternoon nap, which he was in the midst of when I returned home from the game. He played in the water with mun-mum while I was gone and whipped himself into a good frenzy, tiring himself out in the process. So it was not until middle of the afternoon did I actually get to see the reason I am able to celebrate Father's Day. "Hi da da." Such a sweet boy.

My Father's Day gift was overwhelming and so generous that I was completely flabbergasted. I certainly did not deserve it. I was so thrilled because I had spoken conceptually of getting a digitial camera at some point, but figured it would be a while since I just started a new job that pays less than my previous one. I felt like a kid getting the bike on Christmas day.

I am definitely encouraged when v2.0 expresses an interest in watching baseball, so I gladly allowed him to turn on the TV when he asked "Basheball?" Nats were down 2-1 in the bottom of the 9th. We tuned in just in time to see Marlon Byrd hit a single. Next batter was Ryan Zimmerman and the wife and i remarked how cool it would be if he hit a home-run to win the game. Sure enough - There's a drive, deep to left, gone! That's when I knew the day was magical.

We capped the day with a pizza dinner at a local Italian chain restaurant, Mamma Lucia, which v2.0 loves to say as "Ma Luuus." One of the trademarks of this fine establishment is the employment of hot young women. Not all of them, but enough to keep things interesting. However, there is hostess that is off-limits because she's a little too young. I call her Ms. Prison Term. Don't worry, the Mrs. has a little eye-candy of her own at a local barbecue joint, so everything is fair and square. In fact, we're probably going there next weekend.

Add a little canoli, some bourbon and Entourage nd that, my friends, is a magical Father's Day.

Wone, Twoooo, Theeee, Weeeeeeeee

2006-04-05T11:54:00.000-04:00

Good god, where have I been?

Spring arrived in earnest this week in the Washington area, which means that the days are longer, the skirts are shorter, and, more importantly, the gas bill is smaller.

One of the most visually stimulating things to experience during this time of year is to drive along the Potomac River on the GW Parkway at dusk with the Monuments in the background. It’s almost a mystical feeling that is not unlike being in a painting, and I would imagine that it’s a source of inspiration for great works of art for area writers, poet, and painters.

Of course, what passes for great works of art here is open to interpretation. Some in Washington would consider great prose to be something like: Strike all after the enacting clause and insert the following …

Can't The Vegetables Just Get Along?

2006-03-17T21:04:00.000-05:00

I suddenly became a big fan of Jessica Simpson this week for her snub of the Shrub. She didn't want to politicize the charity that she is promoting by appearing at a Nazi fundraiser, even though she's probably a fucking Republican.

The Shrub expressed deep disappointment in not being able to meet with her because he said it would have been one of the very few times where he could have been smarter than the other person in the room.

Simpson's favorite charity is the National Association for the Advancement of Dumbshits (NAADs). She was scheduled to appear at the fundraiser to hand out t-shirts that said 'Go NAADS.'

The Matrix is Everywhere

2006-03-15T10:19:00.000-05:00

It’s annoying when retail stores ask for my phone number or zip code at the register when I’m making a purchase. I know they are trying to gather information about where their shoppers live to determine what products they should carry and where they could locate new stores, but I just want to buy my stuff; leave me alone.

When this information is presented to the retailer, the analysis often contains a margin of error figure for the data. That’s for people like me because I give out the phone number or zip code for the White House when someone bothers me for this information just to fuck with the research. It’s my way of sticking it to the man. (But you are the man.)

I do play favorites though. If it’s a store I like and would like to see one open closer to my house, I might be compelled to provide an accurate zip code, although I still wouldn’t provide a phone number. A store like Wal-Mart would get a zip code in Frostburg, MD, far away from me. A store like Borders actually would get a correct zip code. If the Cheesecake Factory ever asked me for this kind of information, I would give them my social security number, my mom’s maiden name, and the GPS coordinates to my house.

Stronger Faster Version

2006-03-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

We interrupt your regularly scheduled post to bring you comments from v2.0.

Boy did I have a busy weekend. On Saturday morning Mum-mum and Da-da took me to the zoo. I really liked the apes and the sea lion. After we were done at the zoo, we went to Woodley Park for lunch. I had lots of fun reading my books and laughing with Mum-mum. We got into the car at 12:51 and at 12:55 I was asleep. When we got home Mum-mum took me up to my crib and I slept until 4:30! When I got up Mum-mum and I took a bike ride. Then Da-da took me for a ride on my 4-wheeler. I'm getting pretty good at driving it now.

Sunday was pretty laid back during the day. When I got up from my nap, Mum-mum and Da-da took me to a hockey game. I was pretty scared at first and even cried a little, but by the end of the second period I was yelling with the crowd and clapping and chanting, "O-lie! O-lie!" I had lots of fun.

It was nice to get back to day care today. I had a busy day making shamrocks and playing at the playground. I can say all my teacher's names now -- Ora, Arie (Marie), Anine (Denine), and Ba Ba (Barbara). Mum-mum keeps trying to give me quizzes. She'll point to Da-da and say, "Who's this?" I usually don't answer. (I don't like to do tricks!) But sometimes she'll point to herself and say, "Who am I?" I'll point to myself and say "Who am I?" I think that's the wrong answer, but it makes Mum-mum laugh.

My new favorite game is ring-around-the-rosy. I like to sing it. "Addy, addy, ba ball ball down!" (Ashes, ashes we all fall down.) That makes Mum-mum and Da-da laugh too. It's weird, they laugh at me a lot. I think I'm getting a complex.

Well, I'm pretty tired, so I should go to bed. Besides, if Mum-mum finds out I'm using her computer she'll kill me! (With big kisses of course!)

Coming Soon: Hunting Accident Unit

2006-03-11T15:01:00.000-05:00

This week, George Washington Unversity Hospital announced that Dick and Lynne Cheney were donating $2.7 million to fund a new cardiovascular unit.

That wasn't a donation; that was his account balance for the heart-related treatments he received over the past 10 years. They decided to announce it as a donation, so that Dick could save face.

He still owes for the medical bills of his hunting friends.

That Won't Do Anything But Help

2006-03-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

I heard a news blurb on the radio this morning about the release of another study that shows that caffeine may be addictive. As proof, the study noted that when regular coffee drinkers aren't able to get their fix, they get a headache and become tired.

Um, isn't that the main reason why one starts drinking coffee in the first place?

That's precisely why I started to take heroin. Oh shit, did I type that out loud?

We'll Work Up a Number 6 on 'Em

2006-03-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

You may have seen the headline on CNN.com: ‘Lesbian Beats 3 Guys for Homecoming King Crown’

This happened at a small liberal arts school (like there is another kind) in western Maryland. No one should be surprised that this happened and it should put to rest any doubts that people might have that lesbians are tough to beat. This story also will help perpetuate the stereotype that guys who go to liberal arts schools are wuses.

Oh wait, she won by majority vote? Never mind then.

Thank God It Wasn't a Handbag

2006-03-06T10:24:00.000-05:00

Great news! This past weekend, v2.0 had a minor melt down at a store. It’s great news because it happened at a sporting goods store and he was upset that we wouldn’t buy a baseball bat for him.

He saw me checking out baseball bats and wanted to swing one too, so we gave him a tee-ball bat to carry around while I was picking one to buy. As I was making my way to the register, I heard a boy start to have a meltdown, and my first thought was ‘poor guy and those poor parents.’ Then I thought, ‘hmmm, that voice sounds familiar.’ Yes, it was mine. Mrs. Giant was attempting to take the bat from him and put it back so we could leave. He didn’t take too kindly to that and reacted accordingly.

Of course, being the great parents we are, our reaction wasn’t exactly sympathetic. Mrs. Giant laughed because she said v2.0 looked so cute scampering toward the back of the store with the bat, and also looked very cute when he was crying on the floor after she took the bat from him. I was of no use either because I was so elated that he was expressing an interest in baseball, and not some expensive sport, like hah-kee.

Several Hundred Big Pieces

2006-03-03T08:36:00.000-05:00

Here is another example of how screwed up race relations are in this country. James Frey writes a so-called memoir that details a number of criminal activities and his path toward redemption. It turns out that his stories are mostly false. So, although he wanted desperately to be incarcerated, Frey couldn’t get arrested to save his life.

Meanwhile, Colton Simpson, an original member of the Crips gang based in L.A., wrote a critically-acclaimed book that chronicles his life inside the gang and his path toward redemption. Now the book is being used as evidence in his trial on charges that he participated in a robbery of an $800 diamond earring from a jewelry store. As you might infer, Simpson is African-America.

Why wasn’t there this much fortitude in pursuing Frey’s claims? Smoking Gun accidentally happened upon it, but no one else. I bet if law enforcement officials had investigated Frey, he would have come clean about his exaggerations long before Smoking Gum came knocking on his door. Even then, he should have been arrested just for being a buffoon.

If I’m Simpson, I would use the James Frey defense. He should say he exaggerated details in his book for dramatic effect. Heck, he should say that he’s really white.

I Will Collect You and Capture You

2006-03-02T09:03:00.000-05:00

Hillary Clinton last week quipped that Karl Rove is obsessed about her because all he does is talk about how she is going to be the 2008 Democratic presidential nominee. I’m sure lots of people snickered at the remark, thinking it was along the lines of her statement about there being a ‘vast right-wing conspiracy theory.’

While it may seem non-sensical initially, it makes sense strategically for Rove to be obsessed with Hillary. The Republicans are floundering right now with all of the corruption scandals and are experiencing some very low poll numbers. Hillary is a very polarizing figure, particularly among men, who hate her, and what better way to distract from the scandals by continually invoking Hillary? It allows Rove to offer up red meat to the party loyalists and scare the male swing voters into the Republican camp.

I have to laugh at men who are scared of Hillary. What a bunch of fucking pussies. Get some balls, fer crissakes. They'll at least match the ones Hillary has.

There also in an underlying motive for Rove in doing this. I think he desperately wants Hillary to be his fag hag.

What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks

2006-03-01T14:44:00.000-05:00

I recently got a moleskine notebook, the legendary journal that was used by the likes of Hemingway, Van Gogh, and Matisse to jot down ideas or drawings before they were transformed into renowned works of art. Because of its historic status, I felt compelled to begin it with something poetic and timeless. Somehow, a ‘to-do’ list just didn’t resonate.

Research for provision in the pension reform bills that would provide a waiver for defined contribution plans.

Darn, I guess my notebook is for the likes of Julio Hemingway, Frank Van Gogh, and Jean Matisse.

Here's to You, Mr. Stick Up Your Ass

2006-02-28T20:11:00.000-05:00

To: Washington Tickets distribution list
Re: Chocolate bars for sale. This is a fundraiser for my son's day care facility. Proceeds go toward purchasing supplies typical for a day care center -- abacuses, microscopes, DNA analysis kits, poker chips, roulette table. Anything a precocious two-year old would need. Please respond to sender only.

To: DC-Giant
Re: We have a bulletin board for fundraising, Washington tickets is for tickets only. Thanks.

To: Washington Tickets
Re: Chocolate bar golden tickets for sale. Each ticket entitles the holder to a chocolate experience that promises to be euphoric, almost orgasmic.

The Elusive Third Golf Ball

2006-02-26T14:31:00.000-05:00

DC-Giant v2.0 turned two last week. It is overstated that time moves way too fast when it comes to kids growing up, but indeed, there is a reason why it's overstated.

Early indications seem to suggest that he is destined to become a dancing, hockey playing make-up artist. He also will do some painting on the side, but instead of canvas, he will paint on family room couches and chairs. It's going to make displaying his work in art galleries a little more challenging.

A note to his Godfather: Thanks for the call wishing him a happy birthday, dumbass. He was crushed when he realized you forgot. You might have to give him control of a casino to pay him back.

He Thought It Was The Constitution

2006-02-12T16:06:00.000-05:00

By now you have heard the sorry tale of how VP Dick shot someone during a hunting trip. Jeez, it's never the other way around with these stories, is it?

The person who got shot was in the hospital and reportedly was "alert and doing fine," which VP Dick apparently was not during this trip.

A male Republican's worst nightmare - he accidentally shot his wad at a guy. I'm sure he was thinking of Lynne the whole time.

The Democrats new campaign strategy is to stay out of the way and let the Republicans pick each other off.

I Have Three Purple Hearts

2006-02-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

I must have accidentally picked up a copy of 'The Onion' today and not the Washington Post because there is a story of the Shrub attending a ceremony unveiling a bronze bust commemorating his service in the National Guard.

You've got to be fucking kidding me?! Under his criteria of military service, I should be four-star general.

The Slow and The Slightly Annoyed

2006-01-31T17:11:00.000-05:00

DC-Giant v2.0 spit up milk and Cheerios in the car recently and the scent had permeated the car. We tried lots of things to try to get rid of the smell, but nothing worked. Well, we found a way or, should I say, a way was found for us.

I was driving out of a Metro parking lot last weekend with v2.0 in the back when another car broad-sided us. I had the right-of-way because I was on the main road that leads in and out of the parking lot. The woman driving the other car was coming out of one of the aisles, wasn't paying attention and crashed into us. The force of the collision tipped our car onto the side.

Mrs. Giant, who was in another car, heard the impact and looked up just in time to see the car tip over. She ran over to the car screaming, sure that she lost us both. Through the miracle of seat-belt use, a child car seat, the side-impact rating of our car, and the actions of a bystander and Montgomery County first responders, we were able to walk away from the accident with just a couple scratches.

As the car was tipping over, all I could think about was my boy in the back. He understandably started to cry. I was fine, so I made reassuring comments to him to help calm him down. Mrs. Giant was screaming outside, so I kept shouting "We're okay, we're okay!" An African-American boy aged 12-14 ran over when he heard the screams. He climbed into the car, unstrapped my boy and handed him over to Mrs. Giant. Seeing my boy in his mother's arms did more for my well-being than anything else.

Once it was determined that there were no leaks, I wanted to climb out, but was urged strongly not to do it. The firefighters on the scene asserted that they were required not to allow it. One firefighter climbed into the car to feel me up to check for broken bones. Too bad I'm not gay, otherwise I would've have gotten at least something out of the ordeal. He then threw some tarp over me, so no debris would hit me while they sawed off the roof of my car.

While a bit unnerving, I was calm throughout the sawing process because I knew my son was fine, and I was not hurt at all, save for some cuts on my hand. Finally, the roof came off, they unhooked my seat belt, I crawled out, and walked away. I initially declined medical treatment until I saw the look on Mrs. Giant's face when she heard me say that.

I'm sure you can guess the moral of the story, given that we were able to walk away from such an accident. It's been stated millions of times. The moral is don't fill up your car with gas, and renew its registration right before you get into an accident that totals the car. You're just wasting your money.

If You Don't Get It, You Don't Get It

2006-01-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

Wow, 81 points. Looks like Kobe has found himself a new white woman to force himself upon.

For other news, let's go to OTP's Beltway Briefs correspondent.

· The Shrub often argues that he is attempting to spread democracy around the world by fighting terrorism. He is torturing prisoners and spying on his own citizens. There already are a lot of “democracies” like that around the world, so no need to continue with that effort. In fact, didn’t he just topple that kind of “democracy” in Iraq a few years ago.

· Sadly, my 49ers are not in the Super Bowl this year. I was hoping that they would get an at-large bid into the tournament based on their strength of schedule, but apparently the selection committee didn’t think their RPI was high enough.

· Not sure how to approach a job search. Do I need market myself as an expert on certain issues, or sell myself as a generalist and jump at anything at moves, which was sort of like my approach to dating. If you saw Mrs. Giant, you would know that I really lucked out on that front. But, could lightning strike twice?

Friends of Bill

2006-01-18T10:34:00.000-05:00

We’re back from a quick trip to the in-laws to celebrate a birthday. It’s a long drive to the ends of the earth, but it’s always an enjoyable time and it doesn’t hurt to score some points with the family.

I don’t want to say that it’s in the middle of nowhere, but when you activate a GPS device in the area, it either reads ‘Does not compute’ or ‘You have our sympathies.’

I’m not allowed to venture out alone without being accompanied by a local, particularly in the town where my sister-in-law lives. If I’m ever captured by locals, I’ve been instructed to invoke the name of my brother-in-law who is well connected in the area. It would be helpful if he issued ID cards, so that I could just flash it if I sense trouble coming.

You're An Eight

2006-01-11T13:45:00.000-05:00

Men are very good at telling the same jokes repeatedly. Ask Mrs. Giant. This is no different during trips to the urinal at my office where we always seem compelled to utter some silly statement in order to lessen the awkwardness of standing next to someone while we both shake the dew off our lilies.

One department head in my company always says, “All roads lead to Rome, huh?”

Another person is known for always commenting, “So, this is where all the dicks hang out.”

Finally, there always is this classic:
First guy at urinal: “Water’s cold.”
Second guy: “And deep.”

Paging James Westphal and Dr. Kenneth Nosewater

2006-01-10T15:48:00.000-05:00

As if figuring out the keys to a successful marriage isn’t confusing enough, the Health section in today’s Post merely obfuscates things further.

First, one article mentions that one way to have cuts heal more quickly is to reduce marital hostility; the article also promotes exercise as another method. It makes complete sense that physical and mental well-being helps wounds heal more quickly.

However, the article adjacent to it tells the story of happily married couples who sleep in separate beds, or even separate room. The article claims that these couples still love each other, still do the no-pants dance, but maintain separate sleeping areas for a variety of reasons – different schedules, snoring, kicking, etc.

Just when I thought I had it all figured out. Speaking of reducing marital discord, I gotta run and put gas in the car.

We'll Pass Thanks

2006-01-09T10:26:00.000-05:00

If the attendance figures for Friday night’s Caps game vs. Philadelphia seem a little inflated it’s because there always are a lot of Flyers fans that go to the game. Plus, the Caps minor league team, the Hershey Bears, ran a promotion for their season-ticket holders that included a bus ride plus tickets to the game.

After the game, Hershey fans commented that there was no discernable difference between the talent in Hershey and Washington. Some burned their jerseys and immediately petitioned that the Hershey franchise terminate their affiliation with the Caps and see if they could go back to being affiliated with the Colorado Avalanche.

We took DC-Giant v2.0 to yesterday’s game vs. Florida and he was great. He managed to get the attention of a group of young women who were acting as cheerleaders during the game. It was unclear whether they were acting in an official capacity, although you’re probably thinking ‘Who cares?’ The guys in our section were intrigued by the cheerleaders until one noticed that they were sponsored by the Washington Free Clinic.

Alas, No Kate Kelly

2006-01-04T09:52:00.000-05:00

There’s a nifty little web site that dishes on gossip and rumors about the media outlets in the Washington-Baltimore area, reporting on such things as radio format changes, and the hiring/firing of news anchors.

At the end of the year, the site asks readers to submit the best/worst shows and/or developments during the past year. While I did not offer my opinions, here is what I would have submitted.

Best
· Tony Kornheiser radio show on WTEM-980AM. It’s so very funny, providing everything you want from a radio talk show – sports, current events, pop culture.
· PTI on ESPN.
· Most things involving the news on Channel 4 since it is the only local news I watch. Although, I could do without Barbara Harrison (vacuous and completely unwatchable) and sports anchor George Michael (pronounce a fucking name correctly for once, dumbass). I can't decide if Lindsay Czarniak is hot and knows sports, or is just a good reader.
· Traffic on the 8’s on WTOP-1500AM. It has saved me several times.
· NPR Morning Edition.
· Junkies moving to drive time on WJFK-106.7 FM, except for the Nazi one (EB?). He isn’t smart enough to debate politics so he just screams, thinking that it will come across as informed. When this doesn’t work, he starts waving the flag. Most Republicans are like this.
· RCN Cable. I actually like my cable company, particularly after they became the first cable company in the DC-area to carry Nats games.

Worst
· Elliot Segal on DC-101. So incredibly annoying. Could his listeners really be that stupid?
· John Thompson on WTEM. God, he is so awful. Can’t change the station quickly enough when I hear him.
· WTEM-980 in general, except for Kornheiser and maybe the Sports Reporters at 5pm. Just a horrible excuse for a sports radio station.

What Happens Here Stays Here

2005-12-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

I was able to procure an advanced copy of January’s toddler room activities for DC-Giant v. 2.0.

· Roundtable Discussion: Sniffing glue: How an innocent childhood activity became a worldwide phenomenon.

· Executive Committee Meeting: The complexities of running with scissors while looking one-way before crossing the street.

· Classroom Debate: Male sounding last names as girl’s first names.
Pro: Morgan, Spencer
Con: Anna and Maggie

· Classroom Debate: 12-year old single-malt scotch should be removed from the lunch menu.
No: Tanner
Hell No: T.J.

· Texas Hold 'em tournament: 100 goldfish cracker buy-in.

Next month, we hope to host a wine tasting and Casino Night.

Rain Rain Go Away

2005-12-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

I recently agreed to participate in an extensive market research survey that sought to find out what I read (crap), watch (crap), and buy (crap). The process involved a lengthy phone session, followed by a lengthy written questionnaire. Finally, I had to fill out a TV diary that chronicled all the shows I watched during a 7 day period.

Filling in the TV diary was easy as I generally watch the same types of program every day. When I wake up, I watch the news (cartoons). I have a TV in my office to monitor current events, so during the day I watch C-SPAN in addition to the news (soaps and Oprah). At night, I wind down the day by watching documentaries on PBS and the History Channel (sports and Skinemax).

For a show to be eligible for entry into the diary, I was supposed to have watched it for at least five minutes. They can’t be serious. Conceivably, I could watch TV all night and not have any show qualify for the diary. As the Seinfeld joke goes, I'm not interested in what's on TV, I'm interested in what ELSE is on TV. Shoot, five minutes is even plenty of time to (never mind).

I’m not sure how I got chosen for this. Perhaps they wanted to find out more about a member of the east coast intelligentsia (dumbass).

O Holy Kung Pao Chicken

2005-12-28T10:14:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just feel so beholden to tradition, that it just feels weird to stray from it. Turkey for Thanksgiving and ham for Christmas, that’s the way it always was at my house growing up, so that’s the way I thought it always would be.

I also never considered venturing out on Christmas day an option. I thought all families were under house arrest until the following day, except for kids who wanted to play with outside toys. My rude awakening came one Christmas when I wanted to go see a new Superman movie at the theaters. No one is going to be there and I should get in no problem, I thought. The line snaked around for a couple blocks, so no Christmas movie for me that day.

I blindly bought a ham before Christmas this year thinking that it would be our dinner for that night (turkey for Thanksgiving, ham for Christmas dammit). But then we thought, Chinese food sounds really good. Mrs. Giant and I did that one year, so it’s not like there wasn’t precedence. So away we went.

“Jewish, heathen, or lazy Christian?” said the host.

How incredibly rude, I thought. It turns out she just wanted to find out in what section we should be seated in the busy restaurant.

"Do you serve General Tso’s ham?"

For The Rest of Us

2005-12-21T14:56:00.000-05:00

During Mrs. Giant’s office holiday party, she couldn’t help but notice the number of senior executives who had one too many drinks and would proceed to air their grievances about the company, which included the hurling of a few expletives.

Nothing measures office morale more than seeing managers lamenting about their jobs while slightly (or even more than slightly) inebriated.

The SEC should consider requiring companies to list the percentage of senior executives who get drunk during the annual holiday party in their annual reports. It should be featured prominently along with the major assets and liabilities and be called the Festivus Index. The formula could be tweaked to factor in those who got drunk just for the sake of it and not to use it as a means to lament. I would dump the stock of any company with a Festivus Index of 50 percent or above.

Why Are They So Close to the Microphone?

2005-12-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, OTP is not bound by any journalistic standards like the other major media outlets, so I can report things without having to confirming sources and all that kind of appropriate, ethical shit. It’s such a major inconvenience.

Rumors are abuzz in Washington that there is a gay angle in the bribery case against former Congressman Randy ‘Duke’ Cunningham (R-CA). Not only did he accept bribes from his sugar-daddy, but he also had him arrange gay liaisons for him. What’s a wacko conservative former fighter pilot to do?

Wait, there’s more.

There reportedly also is a gay angle to the Abramoff scandal involving Congressman Bob Ney (R-OH). In addition to funneling a boatload of funds into Ney’s campaign, Abramoff also arranged for gay liaisons for the Congressman.

Membership in the Closeted Gay Republican Caucus is growing. The chairman of this caucus is David Dreier (CA), who was denied becoming acting majority leader earlier this year by wacko conservative Republicans who know his secret. There is Rep. Mark Foley (FL), and now Bob Ney.

There are all kinds of closet cases in the Administration as well - Karl Rove; Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman; Scooter Libby; and White House spokesperson Scott McClellan.

It might as well be called the Big Time Hypocrisy Caucus.

There's an Opening in Visalia

2005-12-16T15:42:00.000-05:00

Baseball's winter meetings passed without me receiving any offers from any team, so the writing might be on the wall. As a friend pointed out, it may be time to hang up the ol' cleats, and the back brace, sports rub, wrist wrap, medicine bag, etc.

I couldn't even get a minor league deal with the lowly Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I told them that I would take my 50 mph fastball and my breaking ball that looks like its falling off a piece of paper back to the Pretty Damn Lame baseball league.

Fixedfront Valley

2005-12-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

The federal agency operating the air marshals program announced today that they would extend it and also place marshals on trains, buses, and ferries.

Reaction from gay rights groups was swift.

“It will really depend on which marshals are involved before we object to them being on us,” said one official who requested anonymity.

I Am So FILTHy

2005-12-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

With baseball’s winter meetings having just concluded in Dallas last week, Off The Post continues its examination into potential Hall of Fame inductees.

Elizabeth Hurley. Another Jose Canseco, in that a promising start was followed by a descent into tawdry behavior. Her supporting role in ‘The Hooker Who Went Up the Street and Came Down an Englishman’ could have helped, but it represented the beginning of the end.

Elisabeth Shue. The high-wattage smile was introduced to us in Karate Kid. She has had a very nice career, but it’s unclear at this point whether it’s Hall of Fame worthy. Plenty of time to put up good numbers to elevate her status.

Jennifer Aniston. Of all the ‘Friends,’ she has made the wisest career choices. Instead of cashing in by taking roles in bombs, she took quality roles in independent films and acclaimed supporting roles in big budget movies. If she continues making smart choices, she's well on her way to the Hall of Fame.

Jennifer Love-Hewitt. The fantastic breasts cannot be ignored. However, it’s too early to tell whether she’s HOF material. So far, probably not.

Mrs. Giant. Automatic first-ballot HOFer if there ever was one. She had a MILF moment recently when she was hit-on at a holiday party. The guy stopped speaking to her once she pointed to me getting drinks for us. I was so proud.

Would be the male equivalent of MILF be Fathers I’d Like to Take Home (FILTH)?

It's Made With Figs, and Bacon

2005-12-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

I may have written before about how having a child impacts everyday activities – i.e., it’s difficult to watch TV programs that feature children in peril. I now buy this particular bottle of wine simply because it’s from a vineyard that includes my son’s name.

I’m no connoisseur of wine. In fact, I’m an amateur consumer of alcohol in general. I reached a point in my life where I’m not scared of becoming an alcoholic anymore, so I’m finally allowing my liver to stretch its legs a little bit.

My amateur status prevents me from telling you that this wine is great. The French probably use it in their bidets. True wine connoisseurs probably could smell and taste the difference as soon as they unscrewed the cap.

But, hey, it doesn’t matter to me. I feel like I’m toasting my son every time I imbibe and that’s good enough for me.

Two Tickets to the Gun Show

2005-12-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

The holiday season is a special time of year with many joyous occasions, whether it's decorating a tree, hanging out with friends, and determining who would participate in a ménage-a-trois with you and your wife.

I can think of four women who MIGHT be game. Getting one of them to do it would involve a nominal fee, so her participation is automatic and fortunately - because of where she lives - legal. If the others aren't the least bit interested, well then many awkward moments lie ahead.

Of course, I talk a good game, but let's face it, if that opportunity ever presented itself, there's probably no way I'm rising up to the occasion because I would be way too busy wigging out. I would need a popsicle stick, some scotch tape and a shoehorn for anything to happen. All the Viagra in the world wouldn’t be able to help prop me up.

Up Here Sir, Right This Way

2005-12-03T17:07:00.000-05:00

We finally tried out this Tex-Mex restaurant in our town that has received very positive reviews from local publications It did not disappoint.

First, we were greeted by some sweet, sticky, young thang with nice breasts who was wearing a revealing low-cut top. Talk about having me at hello. (To Mrs. Giant - I really didn't notice a thing, sweetie. I'm just writing this for entertainment value.)

Anyway, you all should try it sometime.

Memoirs of a Heisha

2005-11-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

My goodness, where have I been? I've been accepting bribes and leaving drug paraphernalia in my car. Throw in a solicitation charge and you can see that I've been a very busy guy. Like my dad used to say, someday you will meet a woman so gorgeous, so stunning, that you won't even haggle over price.

With all of this talk about how some recent controversies may impact some player's chances of getting into the Hall of Fame, it's time to review the credentials of several Hall of Fame candidates.

Meg Ryan. Was considered an automatic first-ballot Hall of Famer, but her dalliance with cliche bad boy Russell Crowe and her divorce from Dennis Quaid may have turned off some voters. Now comes word that she recently got a face-lift, which would cause another decline in her numbers.
Prognosis: Still gets in on the first ballot, but without the unanimous vote that most people anticipated.

Angelina Jolie: Conventional wisdom is that Jolie is even more stunning in person. A gay male colleague of Mrs. Giant said he would go straight for Jolie. That alone is worth entry into the Hall of Fame. Her numbers stumbled during her silly Billy Bob period and her estrangement from her father, Jon Voigt. However, she has recovered nicely with her humanitarian efforts, which appear not to be superficial based on the consistency and depth. Also, Jolie appears to have been absolved of any blame for the Brad-Jen breakup. Perhaps it's because the only woman any guy would leave Jennifer Aniston for is Angelina Jolie.
Prognosis: First ballot.

Halle Berry: The scene in Swordfish is just the kind of big play Hall of Fame voters look for when deciding who to put on their ballot.
Prognosis: Maybe a Veterans' Committee selection.

Julia Roberts: Her career is similar to Joe Namath in that there was one unexpected big game (Pretty Woman), and a lot of flash. However, if you took a close look at the numbers, you wonder what the fuss is about.
Prognosis: Automatic first ballot selection based on reputation alone.

Are There or Aren't There Artesians?

2005-11-10T11:50:00.000-05:00

This is Budweiser, Budweiser, this is Budweiser

This is beer:

Sounds Like You Have Mental Problems, Man

2005-11-10T09:23:00.000-05:00

Hi, a friend of mine may have alerted you to my call. I was wondering if you had time to meet with me to discuss job searching strategies.

I’m not sure what my friend may have said, but you should know that I was never convicted.

Hello?

If Your Election Lasts Longer Than One Day...

2005-11-08T09:50:00.000-05:00

Today is election day in some locales, so it's time to hand out some OTP endorsements on the key issues that are facing voters.

Avian Bird Flu. I’ve decided that I’m opposed to it. How sick is it to name a flu after a bottle of water? Vote No.

Riots in France. It’s about time that the French’s claim of being such an open-minded society be exposed as fraudulent. Vote Yes.

Suspension of Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens (Bird Flu Two). What a big loser. Was very happy when the 49ers got rid of him. Vote Yes.

Prewar Intelligence. Apparently there was very little, on many levels. One also could argue that the lack of intelligence in the Shrub Administration has continued. Vote No.

Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders. Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders allegedly got into a bar fight after having sex with each other in a bathroom. Vote Yes! Emphatically! Vote multiple times if it's physically possible.

As they say to the strippers at Camelot on M St. – Get to the poles.

Do You Believe in Unlikelihoods?

2005-11-07T15:38:00.000-05:00

The in-laws were in town this weekend to visit DC-Giant v. 2.0. The official reason for the visit was so my father-in-law could power wash our deck, but we all know that that was an excuse to see the grandchild. Don’t get us wrong, we were very grateful because the deck looks amazing, almost brand new.

My father-in-law is very good at home repair/handyman type work and I certainly can appreciate that because I’m the antithesis of that. I’m the unhandyman who finds ways to wreck or dirty the house, not repair it.

Of course, any house-related activity must include a trip to Home Depot, which I love do because I can look like I know what I’m doing while I’m there. While the father-in-law is looking for a spare part to repair the flux-capacitor that helps operate the power washer, I’m there to pick up air filters for the furnace.

No one has to know that I’m a total poser.

No More No Comment

2005-11-03T09:33:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I'm not talking to the press for the rest of the season.

With No Courtesy Flush Either

2005-10-31T10:16:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Giant was approached in the ladies room at a restaurant over the weekend by a woman who claimed to be part of an evangelical group. This woman asked if she could preach the gospel to my wife, to which she politely declined.

Why can’t this happen to me? I would love for some wacko christian to approach me in the restroom because I have a response at the ready:

“I’m sorry, but I can only deal with one shit at a time.”

Where's The Cake?

2005-10-25T09:22:00.000-04:00

This month marks the first anniversary of Off The Post, and I’m happy to report that I have named Off The Post the blog of the year.

I expressed surprise when I notified me of the award. “I get all my inside jokes, so it’s nice to see that get recognized,” I declared in a news release.

Oy Veychkin

2005-10-24T10:45:00.000-04:00

It was difficult to see my beloved 49ers get shellacked by my behated Dannyskins. Watching the game was like playing a round of golf in which you look for that one shot, that one putt to take away from it that will keep you coming back. Hey, at least they didn’t lose by six touchdowns. They did end their nine quarter touchdown drought. Let’s face it, they are two or three seasons away from being two or three seasons away.

Our babysitter bailed on us Saturday night, so we were forced to bring our 20-month old son to our date celebrating Mrs. Giant’s birthday, which involved meeting friends for dinner and drinks before going to the Caps game. DC-Giant v. 2.0 came through like a champ and was fantastic all night, salvaging what could have been a disastrous evening.

The last time we brought our son to the Caps game, he became upset when the horn and music would blare suddenly throughout the arena after the Caps scored a goal. We had no such worries this time.

Thinking of the Right Words To Say

2005-10-20T15:33:00.000-04:00

I think the only complaint I have about the iPod is, if you don’t have the speakers that you can plug your iPod into, you don’t have the accompanying music to drown out your singing. So, if I want to belt out ‘The Promise’ by When in Rome, no one should be subjected to my horrid voice.

Elmo Fell Down, A Little Help Please

2005-10-19T08:54:00.000-04:00

I survived my parent's visit, barely. I had to take double doses of my blood pressure medicine to ensure survival, but hey, whatever it takes.

My parents visit coincided with my son's formal entry into the 'terrible twos.' He still is the best child in the world, but you can tell that he is beginning to develop a little bit of a will and an attitude at times. Or, should it be called atti-two-de.

Seconds From Disaster

2005-10-13T10:08:00.000-04:00

My parents arrive today for a weekend visit.

Peter Johnson is a Dick

2005-10-07T12:20:00.000-04:00

I’m not sure I understand the whole comment spam thing. Maybe three people read this, and that’s probably an exaggeration, so I’m not certain what is being accomplished. Unless they target the loser blogs with no readership in order to make the authors feel better. If so, thank you!

Speaking of things that interest only three people, hockey season has begun!

Before we get too excited, let’s remember that the Caps played Columbus, not Ottawa, Detroit, or Tampa Bay, and allowed 37 shots to a team that also is expected to struggle. However, it was a nice start and a great debut by Alexander Ovechkin. His two goals notwithstanding, he is a very dynamic, exciting player.

Unnatural Too

2005-10-04T13:45:00.000-04:00

Last night, wind gusts of up to 3 miles per hour knocked out power in my neighborhood. This sudden storm also moved some leaves around and shifted blades of grass.

Oh the humanity. First, Katrina, then Rita, now this. Will it ever stop. Fortunately, PEPCO crews courageously worked through the weather to restore power within an hour.

Meanwhile, in other news.

What Are You Going To Do About It, Dough Boy?

2005-10-03T13:44:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend, a University of Oklahoma student with emotional difficulties committed suicide near the football stadium using an explosive attached to his body. A University of Oklahoma student with emotional difficulties – isn’t that redundant? They live in Oklahoma fer crissakes. How could you not have emotional difficulties?

In other news, Wal-Mart is considering buying struggling clothier Tommy Hilfiger in an attempt to upgrade its image and draw in a more upscale clientele. A top-ranking Wal-Mart official said that studies by the retailer showed, “Our shoppers don’t make shit. We need customers with more straight cash, homey if we want to remain viable”

Speaking of Wal-Mart, Garth Brooks announced in August that he signed a multi-year, exclusive pact with Wal-Mart making the retailer and its Sam's Clubs and walmart.com outlets the only places where his music will be sold. After two months under the deal, his sales figures remain unchanged.

Alexis Itznot

2005-09-29T09:21:00.000-04:00

The trend toward more fuel-efficient vehicles is getting a little out of hand. The other day, a person of mixed-race insisted on being called a hybrid-American.

It’s too bad that viruses came along before cars because they took up a lot of the good names. Otherwise, we could be driving a Subaru Influenza today. Perhaps the Chevy Ebola. The Ford Hanta could have been the Central American version of the Focus.

You might recall that I was scoping out potential mid-life crisis cars. I wanted to avoid looking like a complete schmo by getting a chick car, or something that would make people laugh at me, like a red Corvette. I think I’ve decided on one – a white Volkswagen Cabriolet.

What?

Here is a joke that was e-mailed to me recently.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

" Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything"

Plan A Wasn't Too Happy About It Either

2005-09-23T16:40:00.000-04:00

FDA Commissioner Lester Crawford has resigned after just two months on the job.

I don't see why. Let's see, he fucked up the handling of the Vioxx controversy (By golly, Vioxx is killing people, maybe we should think about taking it off the market), and the Plan B emergency contraceptive, or the so-called 'morning-after pill.'

Studies have shown that the Plan B pill was successful in terminating FDA Commissioners.

Can We Give Texas Back to Mexico After Rita?

2005-09-23T10:38:00.000-04:00

Below (beginning with the bold title) is a news story that has been circulating from the highly enjoyable web site bsnews.org.

The post-Katrina fuel surcharges that many service companies have added to their bills this summer is getting a little out of hand. First the pizza delivery people, which does make some sense.

Now, my pest control guy tacked on a fuel surcharge during his latest regular visit. I should just cancel the service. It’s not like his stuff is working because I still see Republicans.

I finally had enough when a peanut vendor at RFK stadium imposed a fuel surcharge at the Nats game yesterday.

After New Orleans is rebuilt, you can bet that the first time a thunderstorm is forecasted for that city, the government response is going to be akin to the next Berlin airlift.

Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French

BATON ROUGE, LA. – The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

“This is a bold step forward for America,” said Bush. “And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Shiraq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash.”

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

“Jack understands full well that this one’s a ‘fixer upper,’” said Bush. “He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they’ve got a lot of work to do. But Jack’s assured me, if it’s not right, they’re going to fix it.”

The move has been met with incredulity from the already beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

“Shuba-pie!” said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. “Frafer-perly yom kom drabby sham!”

However, President Bush’s decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

“This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. “Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we’ve just made 25 million dollars in pure profit.”

“This is indeed a smart move,” commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. “Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we’ve made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again.”

The money gained from 'The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped back into the rebuilding of Iraq.

Root Root Root For The Beer Vendor

2005-09-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

Mixed emotions about going to the Giants-Nats game yesterday. I grew up a Giants fan, but I’ve adopted the scrappy and over-achieving Nats. Plus, it’s nice to have a baseball team in Washington, DC.

Perhaps the most significant euphoric moment at yesterday’s game was when a beer vendor asked for my ID. I was a little stunned and kind of fumbled for my license because the woman’s tone was kind of stern.

I joked that she was attempting to flatter me. She laughed, but not until after she saw my birth date; I didn’t think that was necessary.

My hat must have hid the gray hair, but I’m not sure what might have been hiding my wrinkles. Maybe she had sight issues.

Church of the Poison Mind

2005-09-21T15:19:00.000-04:00

The shine and buzz from all the excitement of the Washington Nationals’ inaugural season has subsided a bit, and sadly it has nothing to do with the team falling out of the wild card race. Rookie outfielder Ryan Church made comments over the weekend suggesting that Jews are headed for eternal damnation.

In a Post article about religion in the Nats clubhouse, Church said he asked a volunteer chaplain for advice about his former girlfriend, who is Jewish.

“I said, like, Jewish people, they don’t believe in Jesus. Does that mean they’re doomed? [The chaplain] nodded, like, that’s what it meant. My ex-girlfriend! I was like, man, if they only knew. Other religions don’t know any better. It’s up to us to spread the word,” Church said.

Um, like, you’re an ignorant dumbass, man. When did the Nats change the color of their shirts to brown? It must be difficult to play baseball wearing a white hood.

If you any comments to this, please send them to the following address:

1-2 Therza Drive
Deep to Left, Gone

Shoot, I Had the 49ers and 38 Points

2005-09-19T10:21:00.000-04:00

While at a sports apparel store over the weekend, I came across a couple nice Giants and 49ers t-shirts that were marked way down. The only good thing about the times when your teams suck is that you can find their apparel on the clearance rack.

Despite being 14 years removed from the Bay Area, I held my allegiances to the Giants and the 49ers. I was disappointed to find out recently that a high school friend of mine switched from the Giants to the Padres since living in San Diego.

There’s this other guy I know who can’t decide on favorite teams – Falcons, Bears, Carolina Panthers, UVA, Dukies, Tar Heels. Jeez, make up your mind, already. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts screaming about the Eagles soon.

Call The Cops, It's Already Out There

2005-09-16T13:49:00.000-04:00

It’s funny seeing actor and former Senator Fred Thompson (R-TN) caddying John Roberts around Capitol Hill during his confirmation process.

Thompson is such a buffoon. All he did when he was a Senator was date blondes that were half his age.

Wait. Did I just imply that there's something wrong with that?

Oh Dear What Could The Matter Be?

2005-09-14T13:04:00.000-04:00

Let's get an update from OTP's correspondent in New Orleans on the Shrub Administration's response to Hurricane Katrina.

Some in Washington have begun to express concern that R. David Paulison does not possess enough experience judging horse shows to be the new acting FEMA director.

In other news, when asked about the recent discussions about Roe v. Wade, the Shrub replied that it didn't matter to him how people got out of New Orleans.

Osama Would Be Proud

2005-09-13T11:01:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend, the Pentagon sponsored a march and concert to remember the September 11, 2001 attacks.

Extraordinary measures were taken to control participation. It was closed to anyone who did not register, and the route was blocked off with four-foot high snow fencing in order to keep it “sterile,” said a Pentagon official.

The U.S. Park Police had its entire Washington force of several hundred on duty along the route, on foot, horseback and motorcycles and monitoring from above by helicopter. The Park Police chief said that officers were prepared to arrest anyone who joined the march or concert without a credential and refused to leave.

The media was restricted to three enclosed areas along the route and was not allowed to walk alongside the march participants.

The event was billed as the Freedom Walk.

The Literal Meaning

2005-09-13T09:24:00.000-04:00

I never got around to flying a kite when I was a kid. I tried once when I was eight, but was unsuccessful, so I gave up in frustration and never tried again.

Fast-forward thirty years and a kite already in the air is handed over to me by my father-in-law. I'm captivated instantly by the serenity of it, wondering why I allowed it to pass me by. The bright Carolina blue sky and the waves crashing onto the beach I'm standing on complete the portrait.

I'm suddenly eight again. This time the kite is in the air as the sun splashes my face.

The day could have lasted forever.

We're a Little Bit of Rock-and-Roll

2005-09-12T12:20:00.000-04:00

If you are wondering why the two previous posts were well-written and funnier than the usual OTP entries, it’s because Hungary Man was guest writer while I was away on holiday.

He was instructed to maintain the spirit of Off The Post, which meant that he was not allowed to be intellectual or profound. Some would argue that the OTP spirit also means not being funny.

The vacation in Hatteras could be summed up thusly: We could have stayed in the beach house until Sunday; we left open the option of leaving on Saturday if we didn’t think we were having the best time; we were ready to leave the day we got there.

The biggest breasts among all the people staying in the beach house belonged to a 400 pound guy who refused to wear a t-shirt the entire week.

Now, there are elements of the red-neck culture that I appreciate. For instance, all the guys were given these things called Bubba Kegs, which are huge insulated mugs that can hold a little over four bottles of beer. Suh-weet!

The adventurous spirit of the red-necked gentleman of leisure is embodied in the following oft-told joke: What are the last two words a red-neck says just before he dies? “Watch this!”

On the opposite side are the man-boobs and the lovers-lament country songs (like there are other kinds) cranked to high volumes at all times. I don’t like any music cranked to high volumes all the time, let alone the maudlin twangy country crap.

To exacerbate matters, I ate way too much while on vacation. Perhaps I was inspired by the man-boobs. You would have thought I was an evacuee from New Orleans. Hopefully I can work it off before I have to be fitted for a mansierre.

Stoned Out of My Mind

2005-09-09T10:57:00.000-04:00

It is extremely troubling when two things that taste great separately do NOT taste great together. Such was the case with last night's NFL Kickoff on ABC. As I settled into my favorite leather armchair and fired up the HDTV, libations at the ready, I was distressed (and grossed out) by a hi-def close up of Ron Wood and Keith Richards in all their pockmarked, washed-out, sallow-faced stupor. I was expecting Nicollette Sheridan/TO Chapter 2, you can imagine my disappointment.

Don't get me wrong, the Stones still occupy a place of honor in the pantheon of popular music. And, surprisingly, they still rock. AND, I recognize that Mick Jagger has always been a very savvy promoter and marketer of the Stones and their image. AND I know that Paul McCartney played the Super Bowl last year, so there is a precendent for geriatric rock star tie-ins with Pro Football. AND I am sure the ratings for this program were helped by a glimpse of Mick and the boys shaking their skinny (extremely skinny) butts all over the TV screen. But, it just didn't seem right.

As I found my feet unconsciously tapping to the music, I think I figured out why I was upset. I am getting old. I responded to a calculated celebrity endorsement of my favorite sport, targeted to the 35 and over demographic. Guys like me, sitting alone in their basements watching a TV screen so large it can only fit in one place in the room. Drinking a good glass of syrah and eating cave aged gruyere instead of a cheap canned beer and pretzels.

I disgust me.

I am a shameful disgrace to my generation. I, who would most likely have changed the channel had Green Day or Maroon 5 been the featured band, instead I found myself glued to the screen, being nostalgic for my college days 20 years ago, when the Stones were already past their prime.

Shame on you ABC for forcing me to watch this crap. And shame on me for loving every minute of it. Don't get me started with the Loverboy post.....

When All Else Fails, Put On Side Two of Led Zeppelin IV

2005-09-07T09:08:00.000-04:00

Apparently, in the early days of the Shrub 43 Presidency, when the now praised and lamented CJ Rehnquist was being vilified for throwing the tiebreaking vote in the 2000 elections, the Dubster was warned to prepare for the three greatest potential catastrophes to strike the US: 1) a terrorist attack on NY, 2) a hurricane hitting New Orleans, and 3) an earthquake leveling San Francisco.

What are the odds, statistically, of even one of these occurences happening in our lifetime? How about two? If you weren't religious before, its enough to make you invoke the deity of your choice to seek an explanation that makes sense.

With gas prices feeling like Europe, FEMA misdirecting planes full of refugees headed for Charleston, SC to Charleston, WV, and Miami, Virginia Tech, and Boston College diluting the ranks of the ACC, who can be blamed for feeling that the world as we know it is coming to an end? At least the Atlanta Braves are headed for Division title number 14, and the Falcons look well positioned to knock off the Eagles in their home opener.

So sit back, crank up "When the Levee Breaks" on the 8 track, and remember the words of Mike Damone, "I'll have the linguine with clam sauce and a Coke, no ice, and she'll have the same".

Lynne is a Boys Name Too

2005-09-05T21:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life mixes up its pitches and changes speeds in order to keep us humble. Mrs. Giant faced this pitching this week.

The bad news is that her grandfather passed away. It wasn't entirely unexpected, as he was advanced in age, and seemed to send signals that he was ready for the whistle to blow to call him home.

The great news for Mrs. Giant this week was that she was promoted to Vice President in her company.

She was immediately whisked away to a secret location, and also outfitted with a pacemaker. She also immediately became corrupt and arranged for her company to receive no-bid government contracts. At least I get to benefit personally from all of this.

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days

2005-08-30T13:19:00.000-04:00

· I’m thinking of taking steroids to improve my hitting power for the Pretty Damn Lame baseball league. Right now, I have infield-fly-rule power. If I ‘roid up, I might be able to attain routine-flyball-to-left power.

· I’m a little concerned about the abruptness of the plot line in Sunday’s episode of ‘Entourage’ in which Vincent Chase’s agent, Ari Gold (played by the hilarious Jeremy Piven) invokes the nuclear option and breaks away from his agency to try to form a new one. It feels like it was too much happening in such a short time frame, and perhaps they should have allowed it to build for a few more episodes.

Hopefully, the producers wanted to rush through that part so that they could get to some funnier stuff in upcoming episodes. I hope people don’t refer to Sunday’s episode as the point when the show ‘jumped the shark.’

· Biloxi, MS Mayor A.J. Holloway described Hurricane Katrina as “our tsunami.” Get some fucking perspective, you stupid hick. The December tsunami in the Indian Ocean killed OVER 200,000 PEOPLE, while less than 100 people have died as a result of Katrina.

It’s tragic when anyone dies (except maybe right wing wackos), and the death toll from Katrina could rise, but let’s not be ridiculous Let’s leave all the stupid, hyperbolic statements to me.

He Pitches Like He Fucks, Sorta All Over The Place

2005-08-29T11:46:00.000-04:00

I regret to inform you that the Ponce de Leon fall baseball season has begun, so I can regale you with details of the games.

This season began where last season left off in that our stagnant offense wasn’t able to help out decent pitching and defense (again, by Ponce standards), and we lost 8-3. What’s very astounding about the game is that it lasted only 2 hours and 20 minutes. Usually, we’re lucky if a Ponce game can go the full nine innings within the three hour time limit.

I was the starting pitcher, and I gave up four runs, three earned over five innings. Because it was the first game, it took me a little while to feel comfortable on the mound and I felt erratic in the first two innings. I settled down and retired the side in the fourth and fifth innings.

In going 1-for-3 at the plate, I executed a perfect hit-and-run play during one of my at-bats, hitting the ball toward where the second baseman would be when he went to cover the bag. Unfortunately, it did not lead to a run because they were able to retire the next batter.

Good news for those who are bored with baseball stories. I will be missing the next two games because of the aforementioned beach vacation, so enjoy the brief reprieve.

Tearing Down Bariffs and Terriers

2005-08-27T12:09:00.000-04:00

I was in a Ritz camera store ordering reprints of pictures of DC-Giant v. 2.0, and an employee pointed out to me that I could order “up to 10 reprints” for 37 cents each, or “less than 10 reprints” for 59 cents each.

She seemed annoyed when I explained to her that ‘up to 10’ and ‘less than 10’ means the same thing, and had the temerity to say that it did not.

Clearly, a Shrub voter.

Speaking of the Shrub, I think his brother Jeb is trying to eat his way to the presidency. Have you seen him lately? Jeez. Looks like he’s been eating those Gus-made Italian Store sandwiches. If he continues, a majority of his fundraising will go toward re-stocking the buffet table on the campaign trail. Uh, Jeb, that's for the reporters and staff.

Who's For Land Mines?

2005-08-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, a friend of mine hooked us up with primo tickets to the Nats game. These so-called ‘Diamond Club’ tickets allowed us to enter a roped-off area and engorge ourselves with free food and soft drinks. Free food and soft drinks also gets tossed to us in our seats during the game.

Ain’t no better way to attend a baseball game.

In order to gain admittance to this trough area, you are affixed with a wristband (yesterday’s color was red) so that you can be identified, to paraphrase Hungary Man, as a member of the fucking fabulous.

For some, the wristband is just one of many, as they already are wearing other ones that demonstrate their support for various causes such as cancer research or opposition to land mines.

So, based on one’s wristbands, one simultaneously could be anti-breast cancer, anti-testicular cancer, anti-land mines, and anti-general admission seating.

Dewey, Cheatham & Howe

2005-08-24T10:34:00.000-04:00

Let’s first take care of a couple public service announcements before we get things started.

The Milano sandwich at Lawson’s in Dupont Circle is not nearly as good as the one at the Italian Store in Arlington.

Look for the San Francisco 49ers to have a good season, mainly because new coach Mike Nolan and I have the same pair of sunglasses, so wager accordingly. Remember, this inside information is for recreational purposes only.

Now back to our regularly scheduled post.

Traditionally, August in Washington is very slow and mellow. Congress is on vacation, and since practically everyone’s work is associated with Congress, a lot of offices are empty for an extended period.

Revenues for my company are generated by billable hours, so when things are slow, a lot of hours are left on the shelves.

In order to move this excess inventory, we are having a special sale. From now until September 6, you can get work from an actual partner for the low, low rate of a senior associate. If you act now, meaningless research from a legislative information specialist will be thrown in for free.

Wait, there’s more.

If you act this week, you will receive a discount on the firm’s usual retainer fee. It’s usually completely outrageous, but the special rate this week would reduce it to just slightly outrageous.

But There Are No Pictures In Them

2005-08-22T09:52:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest farces each year is the release of the Shrub’s summer reading list. Like the fucking moron knows how to read. I’m not even going to humor the dumbshit by listing the books.

However, the best part of Shrub’s so-called reading list is the reaction by the authors. They often recoil in horror because they don’t want a dumbshit being associated with their intellectual undertaking.

This year was no different and one author’s response was particularly entertaining. When Mark Kurlansky was informed that the Shrub supposedly was reading his book ‘Salt: A World History,’ he quipped, “Oh, he reads books?” You know damn well, he was tempted to omit the last word.

Meanwhile, I love that the shine on the Shrub’s vacation has been dulled a bit by the war protestors. Isn’t everyday a vacation when you’re a moron? What are you taking a vacation from when you have no brain?

Over the weekend, when the Shrub’s motorcade passed by the protestors, someone held up a sign that said, “Honk if you have a child in Iraq.” There’s no way the fucking draft-dodging Shrub would send his children to war when he chickened out himself. The Shrub twins could be sent over there as comfort girls.

Stupid Wagon Wheel Roy Rogers Garage Sale Coffee Table

2005-08-21T10:28:00.000-04:00

For some reason, several people lately have felt compelled to boast to me about their eclectic collection of music on their iPods. I usually get some variation of the statement: 'If someone were to ever see my playlist, they would think I was strange.'

I hate to tell these people that we all feel that way about our taste in music and the playlists on our iPods. While people feel compelled to brag about their wide range of taste, they neglect to admit to anyone about the wretched Air Supply or Anne Murray songs that take up precious megabytes on their iPods. Where's the bragging about that?

It's like Carrie Fisher said, we can't all have good taste or a sense of humor. If everyone had a good sense of humor, nothing would be funny because every time someone cracked a joke, others would think, 'oh, I already thought of that one.'

It goes without saying that I have a very eclectic mix of music on my iPod. I have everything from Duran Duran to Erasure and the Pet Shop Boys. It's a very broad range.

The Cuervo Gold, The Fine Columbian

2005-08-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

I have begun the sad, inevitable process of scoping out my mid-life crisis car. I won’t be getting one in the immediate future, as I still have a while to reach mid-life, but it’s nice to start thinking about what kind of fun car I will driving.

Although it’s a horrible cliché, my mid-life crisis car is going to be a convertible. I can’t help it.

Aside from the family car, Mrs. Giant and I have a Jeep Wrangler that we drove around with the top down all the time before the arrival of DC-Giant v. 2.0, and we will resume once he gets old enough. I endorse driving with tops down whether you have a convertible or not.

I am enlisting my wife’s help in picking out the right car, so I can avoid having people make the following observations about it:

Could his mid-life crisis BE anymore obvious?
That is such a chick car;
He must have just come out of the closet; or
I wonder which high school his girlfriend goes to.

Mrs. Brown, you’ve got a lovely daughter.

But I’ve Never Been to Me

2005-08-16T08:55:00.000-04:00

A big shot in my company took a group of us on his yacht to celebrate the ending of a project. He just bought it and I think he was using the end-of-the-project celebration as an excuse to show off the new boat. He’s a fairly decent guy as Washington power players go, so I’m not going to begrudge him too much for doing this.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have to fall out of the boat to hit water on this day. It rained hard all day, so the trip was very brief.

There was no going to Nice and the Isle of Greece; no sipping champagne on a yacht; no moving like Harlow in Monte Carlo; and no showing them what we’ve got. No being undressed by kings; no seeing some things that a woman ain't supposed to see.

The Wagon Queen Family Truckster

2005-08-15T10:52:00.000-04:00

We are supposed to escape on a beach vacation the first week in September that originally was supposed to include just my wife’s family members. They all are great and I get along with everyone, including the spouses, so I was looking forward to it.

Then, havoc struck.

My wife’s sister is organizing this holiday and her husband found a nice big house right along the water. His brother caught wind of the trip and pleaded for an invitation for him and his wife and kids, which was extended. I understand that; it’s hard to say no to family. I figured it would be fine because it’s a big house, and there probably would be plenty of space to get away from people if necessary. But then, it got worse.

The wife of the brother who pleaded for the invitation went ahead and invited her parents, without clearing it with my wife’s sister, the one organizing it. Not only that, she also invited her sister and her husband! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Suddenly, there are a bunch of strangers going to this house, and thoughts of traipsing comfortably around the house in our pajamas remain just that – thoughts that will go unrealized.

Maybe we’ll get lucky and Hurricane Irene will level the house.

We're 10 hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out?

Please Don't Report This to Greenpeace

2005-08-14T19:51:00.000-04:00

I committed an environmental faux pas this weekend.

It was brutally hot in the Washington, DC area this weekend with the heat index reaching the 100+ degree mark. It was hot, humid, and disgusting.

The Giant family sought refuge in the form of malts at Silver Diner. Instead of going in, my wife stayed in the car with DC-Giant v2.0 with the car running so that the a/c would keep them cool. Keeping a car's motor running on a very hot and humid day is not very good for the environment.

However, it turns out that I happen to be very anti-heat stroke, particularly when it comes to subjecting my wife and son to it.

We Gonna Rock Down To

2005-08-08T11:39:00.000-04:00

The local shopping malls conspired recently to get more customers by arranging for some thunderstorms to knock out power to a lot of homes in the region. They rightfully thought that, without power, people would flock to the malls to cool off and have something to do.

Of course, with Pepco, the utility serving most of the people in the Washington area, it doesn’t take much for the power to go out; usually, cloud cover is enough to knock out power in some areas.

I wrote a silly little ‘Letter to the Editor’ a couple years ago to a local weekly community newspaper complaining about how power goes out when somebody sneezes, and noting that I was suffering from a malady I dubbed ‘Pepco-Induced Stressed Disorder’ or PISD. Demonstrating just what low standards this paper has, they actually printed it.

A neighbor of mine had an interesting theory about the loss of power. Because of the extremely hot weather the area experienced in the days preceding the strong thunderstorms, the demand for electricity was very high, creating stress on the grid. My neighbor contended that as soon as the storms rolled through, Pepco imposed a rolling brownout to alleviate some of the stress.

If you are aware of some of the things utility companies lobby for in Washington, you certainly would not put it pass them to attempt something like this.

In addition to the loss of power, we had a bit of a scare involving our central air conditioning system in the house when it began leaking water last week. Visions of spending several thousand dollars on a new system were dancing in my checkbook. Thankfully, it was repaired easily and we were able to avoid a cruel, cruel summer.

Goddamnfuckingmoron

2005-08-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

In a recent Pew Research Center survey, 751 people were asked to describe the Shrub with one word, and the most frequent response was “honest.”

I wish I were black, because then I could say, “Nigga pleeze!”

Fortunately, only 31 stupid people described him as honest. Speaking of which, 12 smart people said “stupid.” Other appropriate responses included “arrogant” (24 people), “liar” (13), “idiot” (11), “weasel,” and “con-artist.” I would argue that he's too stupid to know how to be arrogant.

I’m sure profanities were not allowed so the following responses would have been discarded: dumbshit, dumbfuck, fucknut, and stupidfuck.

I Remember Hating You For Loving Me

2005-07-28T14:58:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons I enjoy riding the Metro trains in Washington is the comedic performances you often get from the dispatchers over the public address system.

Some of their best bits include statements such as:

“Passengers on the Red Line, be advised that we are experiencing a minor delay. A train will be serving your platform shortly.” An hour later, I’m in stitches because that statement obviously is a send up of the old ‘distortion of the space-time continuum' bit.

The comedy usually then extends to the train operators, who utter such hilarities as:

“Don’t overcrowd this train, there is another train directly behind this one.”

Another hour later, I’m in stitches again because there obviously was some coordination between the dispatcher and the train operator on the space-time continuum joke.

"We thank you for your continued patience."

You're killing me!

Shrub to the Boy Scouts: Fuck Off

2005-07-28T10:13:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, approximately 300 Boy Scouts were treated for heat-related conditions after waiting for hours in extreme heat for the Shrub to show up, who cancelled at the last minute because it was too hot.

To make matters worse, one of the reasons so many succumbed to the heat was the Shrub only allowed people to bring in one or two bottles of water into the event because of security concerns.

It’s been a tough week for the Boy Scouts, who are holding a jamboree in the D.C. area. Earlier in the week, four scout leaders were electrocuted when the tent pole they were trying to put up made contact with a power line. The Shrub was to talk about the accident in his speech to the Boy Scouts, but decided to tell the relatives of the deceased to fuck off as well.

I know what you're thinking. The Boy Scouts discriminate anyway, so let them fry.

Was Judge Wapner Not Available?

2005-07-20T08:18:00.000-04:00

In order to ensure confirmation of his Supreme Court nominee, the Shrub picked a Nazi with a smile, which is something he always had aspired to become, except he couldn’t smile without looking like a dumbass, and he thought Nazi was a dice game.

I’m not sure why I was overlooked for an appointment. I have impeccable credentials. I once thought of going to law school, I’ve been inside the Supreme Court building, I’ve read a number of Grisham books, and my dad forced me to watch ‘The People’s Court’ when I was a kid. I’m sure I would have received a high-rating from the ABA.

I would make a great Supreme Court justice. I could play poker with Rehnquist and Scalia. I could porn swap with Clarence Thomas, and I would have a gay friend again in David Souter.

Only Their Jerseys Were Black

2005-07-19T09:57:00.000-04:00

A group of us who are Washington Capitals season ticket holders got together over the weekend to renew acquaintances and celebrate the end of the NHL lockout.

It’s a racially diverse group. Oh wait, it’s virtually all white. Never mind.

It’s an economically diverse group. Wait, we’re all around the same income level. Never mind.

We’re all from different parts … Wait, we live in the same metropolitan area.

Jeez, fuck that. I try to write about a kumbaya moment, and look what happens.

A group of mouth-breathing puck-heads who all look alike got together this weekend. Is that better?

Boob Tube II

2005-07-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

My soon-to-be 17 month old son is not the least bit interested in watching TV – no sports, no cartoons, no Skinemax, nothing.

Where did I go wrong?

Robert Parish for Jo Jo White

2005-07-15T11:24:00.000-04:00

I know some get bored when I talk about sports, but sometimes I can’t help it.

When the Wizards lost Larry Hughes, I thought, here we go again, the same ol’ Wizards. They promised that re-signing him was their number one priority in the off-season and they still lose him.

While I’m not thrilled that they lost Hughes, at least they made a somewhat decent deal in trading problem-child Kwame Brown for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

The same old Wizards, the ones who got traded away Chris Webber, Rasheed Wallace, Richard Hamilton, Ben Wallace (should I go on?), would have traded Kwame Brown for someone who was older and smaller with a bloated contract, like say Sam Cassell. Then Kwame would have won multiple championships, while Cassell would have been pulled over with pot and guns in his car.

There still is time for Kwame to win multiple championships with the Lakers, and for Butler and Atkins to blow out their knees. Stay tuned.

Boob Tube

2005-07-08T12:41:00.000-04:00

The other night I did not watch TV at all, which is sort of unprecedented. I did quickly check the score of the Nats game, and the Travel Channel to see if the poker tournament was a repeat (it was). The point is, I did not sit on the couch with my mouth agape for a 2 to3 hour period with the remote in my hand.

Summer TV, except for sports, is a bit of a wasteland anyway. The only thing that’s been worth watching lately is ‘Entourage’ and ‘The Comeback’ on HBO.

‘Entourage’ is excellent and funny. If a show can be judged by the number cringe-inducing moments in each episode, then ‘The Comeback’ is it.

In ‘The Comeback,’ Lisa Kudrow proves that she was the most talented person on ‘Friends,’ in terms of acting. If you are judging by breasts, the race between Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox is neck-and-neck (or chest-and-chest). An honorable mention goes to Matthew Perry, particularly during that period when he tried to eat his way through his addiction to painkillers.

I'll Have What She's Having

2005-07-04T17:32:00.000-04:00

The two greatest words in the culinary dictionary are 'smoked' and 'bacon.' Combine the two and well, you have a little slice of heaven.

Lately, I've been ordering meals that contain something called applewood smoked bacon. I really don't have the slightest clue what constitutes the applewood smoking process. This is how I see the menu:

applewood SMOKED BACON

I Missed That Class

2005-07-01T14:42:00.000-04:00

Want to know why most people don’t give a shit about politics and Congress?

Yesterday, the House of Representatives essentially voted to adopt a rule that would allow them to suspend the rules, so they could suspend the rules and pass a series of bills.

What in the Wide Wide World of Sports in going on here?

You Can Check Out Anytime You Like

2005-06-29T12:57:00.000-04:00

Here is another blue state/red state diatribe that made its way around the web, supposedly from an unknown author in California. Always enjoyable.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

The San Francisco Treat

2005-06-26T11:22:00.000-04:00

In my review of potential Republican presidential candidates, I neglected to include Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Wow, it boggles the mind when thinking about how brilliant, gifted, and talented she used to be, and to see what has happened since. Like Bill Frist, she threw away all of her gifts in the name of ideology, and it’s really sad because there was incredible hope for her.

If she were elected, she would take care of three ‘first’ categories for presidents all in one shot. She would become the first woman president; she would become the first African-American president; and she would become the first lesbian president.

Earlier and Oftener

2005-06-24T11:56:00.000-04:00

Now it’s time for OTP’s review of possible Democratic presidential candidates.

Hillary (New York or Arkansas or Illinois): Not many politicians can reach the status of being known by just one name, but she has managed to do it because she’s such a polarizing figure. Not sure why white men get all lathered up about her. So what is it, Hungary Man? She’s definitely tougher than a bunch of the fake-tough Republican pussies in the Senate.

Speaking of one-named women, if Beyonce were to run, I would jump all over her candidacy. I also literally would jump all over Beyonce.

Sen. John Kerry (Massachusetts): Been there, done that. What a wretched candidate. Just go away already.

John Edwards (North Carolina): He moves his mouth too much when he speaks. What’s up with that? It’s like he’s trying really hard to fake that southern accent. If you call him at 3am and wake him up, he would sound just like everyone else.

Sen. Joe Biden (Delaware): A very eloquent speaker. As long as he sticks to his own speeches, he might have a shot.

Sen. Evan Bayh (Indiana): (Pronounced BY). I’ve decided that this guy really is annoying. I think he loves to hear himself talk. I know most politicians are like that, but Bayh seems to take it to another level. He’s John Edwards without the intelligence or charm. He’s the Democratic version of the Shrub, which means, say hello to our next president. I ain’t BAYHing it.

Sen. Russ Feingold (Wisconsin): Makes Al Gore look animated and exciting. He needs to remove whatever has been shoved up his ass in order to make any kind of impact.

Gov. Bill Richardson (New Mexico): A very intriguing candidate, I must say. He is bright and has an extensive background on domestic and foreign policy issues. If he turns out to be an excellent candidate, I’m sure the Democrats will find a way to fuck it up.

Gov. Mark Warner (Virginia): Any time a Democrat wins a governors race in the South, he or she automatically vaults on to presidential candidate lists. He actually appears to be a worthy candidate, so far. Warner also reminds me a little of Bill Clinton in that he seems to want to be more liberal than being in a shit-hole of a state allows him to be. How would he hold up under the intense glare of a national race?

Gov. Tom Vilsack (Iowa): Who? Exactly. Of course, the same was said about Jimmy Carter.

Early and Often

2005-06-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

It’s not too early to start thinking about, and handicapping, the 2008 presidential campaign. Here is an early OTP look at some of the rumored candidates. I will start with Republicans.

The Shrub: The dumshit didn’t really win the 2000 election, so he could make a case that the constitutional term limit for president does not apply to him.

Sen. John McCain (Arizona): Every Democrat’s favorite Republican. I have to admit that he’s a favorite of mine as well, even though I probably disagree with him on a lot of issues. He is someone who hasn’t allowed ideology and empty rhetoric interfere with his intellect (like me). The same could be said for …

Sen. Chuck Hagel (Nebraska): Stop the presses boys and girls, this is a Republican that DC-Giant actually could vote for, depending on the Democratic nominee. You should read this guy’s bio, he’s pretty fucking cool and brilliant. I’m sure he looks at his Senate Republican colleagues once-in-a-while, and thinks, “What a bunch of morons.” Unfortunately, he’s not Nazi enough to survive the dumbshit wacko Republican primary voters.

Sen. George Allen (Virginia): Makes the Shrub look like a god damn Mensa-member.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (Tennessee): Perhaps one of the biggest Senate disappointments in history. He was a brilliant heart surgeon who had the potential of being a McCain or Hagel, but he got so punch-drunk in love with running for president that he allowed his brilliance to dissipate. Lost what little respect I had left for him when he attempted to make a diagnosis on Terry Schiavo by video tape, then claimed that he really wasn’t trying to do that. So, not only did he lose his brain, he lost his spine too.

Gov. George Pataki (New York): Sorry, George, when people think about a Republican for New York, they always long for …

Rudy Giuliani: Tough on crime and liberal on social issues – what’s not to like about that? He too wouldn’t survive the Nazi Republican primary voters.

Soon, I will examine the Democratic field. Because Democrats are unorganized, it might take me some time.

Come Again When You Can't Stay So Long

2005-06-23T12:07:00.000-04:00

The Travel section in last Sunday’s Post featured houseguest horror stories, or Guestzillas. The timing of this feature was particularly appropriate, considering that we hosted two families on consecutive weekends this month.

One was Hungary Man, an old friend who has become a serial commenter to this blog, which pisses me off because he’s infinitely funnier than me. He visited along with his wife and three kids.

The other was a friend from my Bay Area days, who we will call Emporium Jewelry Girl. She visited with her husband and their four-year old girl.

I’m happy to report that neither of their stays would come close to qualifying for the Travel section article, in fact, the opposite would be the case.

EJ Girl’s family made dinner, sprung for a nice lunch, and bought a nice toy for my now 16-month old son. One night EJ Girl’s husband cleaned my kitchen, made a little repair to the dishwasher, and later, poured me a glass of scotch. I proposed right then and there. Fucking anti-gay marriage laws.

Hungary Man generously bought us dinner the two nights they stayed and were great guests despite the stress surrounding their visit. They were in transition, uprooting and moving from the South to the North. Try doing that with three kids, including a 19-month old.

Lollygaggers

2005-06-20T13:37:00.000-04:00

I regret to inform you that my baseball team lost its championship game yesterday 13-8 in 10 innings, the second straight season in which we lost the final game. We came back from two runs down in the bottom of the 9th to tie it at 6-6, and actually had a chance to win it with a runner on third with two outs, but couldn’t convert. I was one of the batters at the plate with a chance to win it, but I was hit by a pitch; of all times to have that happen.

I pitched very well, only giving up two runs (one earned) in five innings, but the guy who followed me just got tired. He also pitches in a league in the middle of the week, so he just ran out of gas and gave up 7 runs in the 10th inning. I don’t know how he is able to pitch in both leagues because it is very stressful on the arm.

Like the rest of the team, I didn’t have a good day at the plate. I went 2-for-5, but didn’t hit the ball hard. We reverted back to our old habits in that we weren’t patient against very hittable pitching.

Despite the loss, it was a good season having advanced in the playoffs and thus playing the maximum number of games. The team takes the summer season off and resumes in the fall when we'll be tanned, rested, and ready.

The Savoy Special

2005-06-15T10:42:00.000-04:00

A glorious weekend of baseball as the team won two games to advance to the division championship game with 18-5 and 6-3 victories. No standings, or statistics, are kept in the Ponce de Leon League, so all teams are eligible for the single-elimination playoffs at the end of the season.

Considering how we played this season, I didn’t give us much of a shot of winning a playoff game, let alone making it all the way to the final, but we finally managed to put everything together this weekend. Winning means being able to play more games, and after all the rainouts we had this season, I was quite pleased by the team advancing.

I finally put everything together too, pitching and hitting very well. I gave up 2 runs in 4 innings on Saturday, and 2 runs in 3 innings on Sunday. Having thrown 7 innings this weekend, it will be interesting to see how much is left in my arm next week.

At the plate, I crushed the ball going 4-for-5 with two doubles in the gap on Saturday, and 3-for-4 on Sunday. The tuning fork in my loins went off when I hit those two doubles on Saturday. It’s like crushing a 300-yard drive straight down the middle. Not sure why I compared it to that since I don’t know what that feels like.

It’s gotta be the ‘roids, but I’m not here to talk about the past.

So, You Were Going To Be a Gymnast?

2005-06-13T11:55:00.000-04:00

Please note the caption.

Let this be a lesson to all you reporters out there - don't forget to sleep with your producers every once-in-a-while to prevent something like this from happening to you.

Where da White Women At?

2005-06-09T08:54:00.000-04:00

I am incensed over DNC Chairman Howard Dean’s recent remarks about Republicans, particularly when he stated, “It’s pretty much a white, christian party.”

It’s a completely inaccurate characterization because Republicans actually are pretty much a white, christian, wacko, Nazi party. I wish Dean would have gotten it right. If he is going to be one of the leaders of the Democratic party, the least he could do is described Republicans more accurately. Jeez.

Look at all these other Democratic wusses who have reacted nervously to Dean’s rhetoric. They can fuck off. Get a fucking backbone and join the fight. The solution isn’t going to be to start acting like Republicans. Besides, there is nobody left to oppress because Republicans has everyone covered already.

Lieberman said the comment was “way over the top.” Of course Lieberman would think that because he might as well be a fucking Republican.

Hillary just shrugged when she was asked, but that’s because she’s probably running for President, so she can’t be incendiary yet. However, I think she agrees with Dean, so I’ll give her a pass for now.

Former vice-presidential candidate John Edwards said he didn’t agree with the statement. He’s such a god damn blow-dried phony. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror John and make yourself useful.

Grass on the Infield

2005-06-08T11:57:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, the day care center for DC-Giant 2.0 was closed so I stayed home with him and did what any father would do - took him somewhere to use as a prop to get hot women to talk to us.

Unfortunately, school was out, so all we saw was a bunch of chirpy high school girls. An innocent little adulterous outing was transformed into a potential statutory rape charge. No one needs that on their permanent record.

Speaking of baseball, my game on Sunday was cancelled because of inclement field, so I'll spare you from tales of my on-field miscues.

How about them Nats?! They probably won't be able to sustain this nice little run they are having, but it's a nice little story and we should enjoy it while we can.

Hmmm, look at this – vacations to Aruba suddenly became cheap.

IRBW Weather

2005-06-07T12:04:00.000-04:00

Air-conditioner season has arrived in Washington. Fortunately, they are stationary, so they’re easy to find.

Turning on the air conditioner at the beginning of the season in the Giant house always is a source of trepidation because it’s an old system that needs to be replaced soon. I fear that after firing it up, there would be a loud bang followed by silence, resutling in us sweating like:

--a whore in church
--Tom DeLay at an ethics seminar
--the Shrub at a reading is fundamental class
--the Shrub during an IQ test
--Michael Jackson at a cub scout convention

Eating Crackers

2005-06-02T09:55:00.000-04:00

Anna Kournikova is hot, I agree. I also agree with the widely held view that the likes of Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Angelina Jolie, Heather Graham, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Eva Longoria are hot.

However, there are other celebrity women that many consider hot, that I just don’t see. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Very attractive, sure, but I don’t feel it, so-to-speak. Kate Hudson? Nothing. Charlize Theron? Doesn’t register. Catherine Zeta-Jones? No thanks. I want to think Jennifer Garner is hot, but she’s got this horse-mouth thing going. I want so badly to feel that Cameron Diaz is brutally hot, but sadly, I’m not feeling it.

I think Ellen Pompeo (Grey’s Anatomy, Old School) is hot, but a female colleague of mine described her as being very average looking. However, this female colleague also said that Patrick Dempsey is hot, but he’s not nearly as dreamy as Tobey Maguire. Ooops, did that slip out?

That brings us to Paris Hilton. I agree with Auntie M that she’s not that attractive. However, I think she won some admirers when that infamous sex video was leaked over the Internet. You have to give her some credit because she has presented this image of being a celebrity sex pot and this video provided solid evidence to support it. She proved that she is no phony when it comes to being a sex kitten and men appreciate that.

So, the message to all you girls out there is don’t be a tease, be a real slut.

Take That to the Ernie Banks

2005-06-01T09:59:00.000-04:00

I had the pleasure of playing a double-header this weekend. The team had a lot of rainouts this spring season, so the league scheduled a DH to make up some games. We split the games, taking the first and losing the second. Everyone was exhausted during the second game, but it’s the kind of exhaustion that’s accompanied by the exhilaration of playing baseball.

I had a great day at the plate, going 3-for-4 in the first game, and 4-for-5 in the second game. I’m finally feeling comfortable at the plate and, of course, the last game of the season is next week.

My exhausted teammates were not able to provide much run support or defense when I pitched the second game, and I didn’t help matters by not locating my pitches very well. Still, I only gave up three earned runs in five innings, which ain’t too shabby for this rec league.

Bless my wife for not protesting the DH as it meant she was in charge of our 15-month old for six plus hours. One of the many reasons why she is the best is that she fully supports by baseball habit because, according to her, I glow with happiness after I’ve played a game.

As the great philosopher Annie Savoy from ‘Bull Durham’ said:

“I believe in the church of baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones … And, the only church that feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the church of baseball.”

I'll Always Have a Burger

2005-05-26T14:56:00.000-04:00

Wacko christian groups have their panties in a bunch over the new Carl's Jr. commercial featuring Paris Hilton in a slinky outfit suggestively washing a car, complaining that it's soft core porn.

First of all, it's interesting that they are able to identify soft core porn. Also, shouldn't everything be considered hard core porn to them?

Second, having seen the commercial, I'm not sure how they were able to make such a distinction. She's not naked and nothing is being inserted into any orifice, and there's no insertion being simulated. And, if you've seen how sex is simulated on Skinemax, there's no guy screwing her belly button.

I know soft core porn, soft core porn is a good friend of mine, and this isn't soft core porn.